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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27608059">i'll be that somebody for you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinymat/pseuds/tinymat'>tinymat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ATEEZ (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>8 makes 1 gay, Alternate Universe - College/University, Background Relationships, Bisexuality, Boyfriends, College, Crushes, Death, Drugs, Family, Fluff, Football, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, GAYTEEZ, Homophobia, LGBTQ Character, Light Angst, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Neighbours, One Night Stands, Producer!Hongjoong, Romance, Slow Burn, Special guests bc why not, Strangers to Lovers, Woosan, classic litterature references, dancer!Yunho, french!litterature, honghwa, introvert!wooyoung, litterature student!san, med!seonghwa, med!yeosang, romantic!san, songwriter!mingi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:41:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>47,381</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27608059</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinymat/pseuds/tinymat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Students Jung Wooyoung and Choi San are neighbours. One is scared of love, the other is a hopeless romantic.<br/>“It’s love at first sight,” San said.<br/>“Love at first sight, you believe in those things?” Wooyoung chuckled.<br/>“You don’t?” San asked with a little voice.<br/>“No, not really (...)”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa, Song Mingi/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>74</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>172</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. New Life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi!</p><p>This is the first time I'm publishing my work, I'm really nervous.<br/>English isn't my native language so you might see flaws in my writing that I didn't notice.<br/>Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section or dm me on Twitter (@tinymat_) :) </p><p>enjoy reading!</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The beginning of Wooyoung's new life!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!</p><p>This is the first time I'm publishing my work, I'm really nervous.<br/>English isn't my native language so, you might see flaws in my writing that I didn't.<br/>Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section or dm me on Twitter (@tinymat_).</p><p>enjoy reading! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Beginning of my new life</em>, Wooyoung thought when he put one of the last boxes on the ground. He sighed before slipping his hand through his blond hair.</p><p>It was the end of August, and a few weeks later Wooyoung will start his third year at Seoul National University. That day, he was moving into his new apartment. He left his home to be closer to the university, and far from his family.</p><p>The apartment was small but enough for one person. There was a small hallway with a closet on the right and the bathroom on the left. Then, a door leads to the living room that will also be Wooyoung’s bedroom.</p><p>Wooyoung went to the kitchen to check if there was water when he heard footsteps coming.</p><p>“Wooyoungie, where do you want to put this?” Yeosang asked through the hallway.</p><p>“Leave it here, I will take care of it. Thanks, Yeosangie” he replied taking the box of the hands of his best friend.</p><p>“Are you sure you don’t need any help? Even for assembling furniture?” Seonghwa demanded while putting the last boxes on the floor.</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll be fine, don’t worry Hyung. Thank you for helping with my stuff.” Wooyoung responded with a smile.</p><p>Seonghwa was about to insist when a weird noise echoed. They all stared at each other, confused, not sure of what they heard.</p><p>“Is that coming from…” Yeosang started pointing at the wall that was adjoining Wooyoung’s neighbour’s apartment.</p><p>The weird noise echoed again but this time they were sure: it was a girl’s voice and she was screaming a name.</p><p>“You’re kidding me,” Wooyoung grumbled.</p><p>“Well… if you need help you can ask your neighbour but he’s probably busy.” Seonghwa joked.</p><p>Wooyoung rolled his eyes but the joke made Yeosang laughed at least. Yeosang and Seonghwa left, leaving Wooyoung unpacked all his stuff with the lovemaking of his neighbour as background music.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Three weeks have passed since Wooyoung moved into his new apartment. He started his third year as a student in Information Science and Culture Studies. When Yeosang and Seonghwa weren’t busy or between their break during their work, he would eat with them at the cafeteria. This new year was great, yes.</p><p>However, it would be a euphemism to say that Wooyoung was sick and tired of his neighbour. He never met him -and Wooyoung was glad for that because he didn’t know how it would have reacted he did- but he knew his name was San thanks to all the girls and boys that <em>played</em> in his bedroom with him. Sometimes, he asked himself if his neighbour knew that the wall was as thin as a piece of paper. He concluded that his neighbour just didn’t care about it. While Wooyoung was scared of breathing too hard, San still played his favourite playlist -that Wooyoung knew by heart by two weeks living here-, invited his friends and talked with them until 3 AM even during the week and fuck every Friday night.</p><p>“Why don’t you just go to his door and ask him to make less noise?” Yeosang advised him.</p><p>Well, Wooyoung was as tired of this as he was scared. He was scared of being a party pooper. He also thought that he couldn’t ask for someone to live by his rules, that wasn’t fair. He believes it wasn’t San’s fault if the wall between their apartment was that thin. He also thought that maybe he made noise when he was editing videos, especially when he sighed too hard because he didn’t like what he did.</p><p>To ask his neighbour to make less noise wasn’t fair, so Wooyoung kept his big mouth shut.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It was a chilly night in October and like every Wednesday, San invited two of his friends. Sometimes three of his friends were there, but Wooyoung only heard three voices that night.</p><p>Wooyoung was working on a project, and it wasn’t any project. It was the project that will determine all his year. He had to create a story-board and then had to work with students of other courses to complete it. It was the first year SNU offered this kind of exam: an exam where all budding artists could create together. That’s why it was important to Wooyoung.</p><p>But, he could hear the muffled voices of San and his friends through his earphones. It was impossible for him to focus on his work. He sighed and threw the paper in the bin. He started to walk in circles in his room.</p><p><em>If I ask kindly and tell him that this project is important he won’t be mad right? He won’t think that I’m annoying? Or a party pooper?</em> he asked himself, hands through his hair.</p><p>He looked at his phone: 1:08 AM. He took a deep breath and open the door of his apartment. The cold air smacked him even if he was wearing a purple hoodie and a black tracksuit. With careful steps, he stood before the door of his neighbour. <em>It’s okay Wooyoung, you got this</em>, he reassured himself. He took another deep breath and knocked at the door, hard enough to be heard through the music and the laughter.</p><p>A few seconds passed before the door opened. <em>Fuck</em>, was what Wooyoung thought when he saw his neighbour for the first time. He was slightly taller than him but had broader shoulders with a small waist. Wooyoung could see his curve through his all-black outfit. He has small dark eyes that intimidated Wooyoung. But when he smiled at him, leaving his eyes as crescents and revealing cute dimples, Wooyoung softened.</p><p>“Yes?” San asked.</p><p>“Yeah...huh... I… I’m your neighbour and… I’m working on a project that is <em>really</em> important. Can you just… lower the music? Please?” Wooyoung, stressed out, asked before taking a breath.</p><p>“Oh, yes, of course! Sorry about that!” San replied with a cute smile.</p><p>“Thank you and huh… have a good evening” Wooyoung stuttered.</p><p>“Thanks, good luck on your project!” San said, always with a smile.</p><p>“Thanks” Wooyoung whisper before going back to his apartment.</p><p>He shouldn’t have gone there. Now, he couldn’t, even more, focus on his work.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 10,080</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Wooyoung is making new friends and discovers how small the world is.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A week.</p><p>Seven days.</p><p>One hundred sixty-eight hours.</p><p>Ten thousands eighty seconds.</p><p> </p><p>Wooyoung was blocked on his project for a week now. He couldn’t focus because of his neighbour. And worse: his neighbour was doing nothing.</p><p>Since Wooyoung told him he had to work on something important, San tried -or at least that was the impression Wooyoung had- to be quiet. Wooyoung didn’t hear any music or anyone coming into his place. He even believed that San left for a couple of days but sometimes he heard the door open and close so he knew he was there.</p><p>Why couldn’t he focus then? What could he reproach San with?</p><p>Wooyoung just couldn’t forget him. San was living rent-free in his mind and he couldn’t help but let him. He was always thinking about his <em>perfect</em> face with his <em>cute</em> dimples and <em>sparkly</em> eyes. He asked himself how soft would his hair be.</p><p>Wooyoung ran his hands through his now black locks. He wasn’t a writer and he never would be. He was creative, especially in terms of video or pictures. But he wasn’t creative enough to find a story to tell or to create a whole universe.</p><p>He started to regret not reading enough, maybe he’d have more imagination if he read more. But his biggest regret was knocking at San’s door. He shouldn’t have listened to this tiny voice in his head that night.</p><p>Now, his head was silent but full of San. He was driving Wooyoung crazy. How can an encounter have this kind of effect on someone?</p><p>That’s the question Wooyoung asked himself. And that’s how he found what to write for his project.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It was a warm mid-October day, Wooyoung grabbed his iced coffee before meeting his new teammates. They were from the Department of Music and he will work with them throughout the year.</p><p>When Wooyoung saw them for the first time, he asked himself how two polar opposites could be friends. The first one, Hongjoong, was a year older than him. He was slightly smaller and thinner than Wooyoung. He dyed his hair in white, his bangs always on his forehead. Wooyoung never had enough time to count how many earrings Hongjoong was wearing but they matched his artsy style. The other one, Mingi, was <em>huge</em>. Wooyoung felt ridiculously small beside him. He too dyed his hair but in a vivid red and always styled his hair so as to free his forehead. He didn’t have an artsy style or earrings but Wooyoung could see he liked fashion. Seeing them twice a week showed to Wooyoung how much they were similar in their personality.</p><p>Hongjoong took care of Mingi like he was his kid, which wasn’t entirely wrong since Mingi was an actual kid. They were creating music together and Wooyoung could feel their passion when they talked about it. When they did, it felt like making music was the same thing as breathing for them. Wooyoung always loved passionate people, he needed more people like that in his entourage.</p><p>Hongjoong and Mingi were also friendly and smiling. They had shiny personality and always make him laugh. Even if Wooyoung was introverted, they tried their best to make him feel comfortable.</p><p>Wooyoung never thought he needed more friends, Yeosang, Jongho and Seonghwa were enough for him. But he didn’t reject Hongjoong and Mingi when they tried to befriend him. On the contrary, he tried to open more and even accepted to go to Mingi’s place to spend the evening.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Wooyoung took the underground to Mingi’s place. He didn’t live in the student housing because he was sharing his apartment with his best friend who was not in SNU.</p><p>On the ride, Wooyoung was lost in his thoughts. He was asking himself he was too dressed up while he was just wearing a black long-sleeved t-shirt tucked into black jeans and a black denim jacket. He has made the effort to put earrings but had only one piercing on each lobe.</p><p>He ran his right hand in his hair that was getting a little longer. He rang at the door and waited. The door opened and a <em>giant</em> with a puppy smile stood before him.</p><p>“Hi! I’m Yunho, Mingi’s best friend and roommate. Come in!” he exclaimed stepping aside to let Wooyoung come in. Wooyoung came in and Yunho lead him to the living room where he could hear Mingi and Hongjoong. The living room was big. There was a table on the left, a u-shaped sofa in the middle with a TV and the open kitchen at the right. Hongjoong and Mingi were sitting on each side of the sofa, leaving the middle empty. Hongjoong greeted Wooyoung with a little hug when he arrived in the room.</p><p>“I always knew you were the best!” Hongjoong said when he saw the two bottles of soju his dongsaeng was holding.</p><p>Wooyoung simply smiled. He turned his head on the right when he heard a door open. He froze when he saw who was coming back from the bathroom.</p><p>“Oh, you changed your hair colour, right?” San exclaimed, pointing at Wooyoung’s hair with a smile.</p><p>Wooyoung would have never thought San knew Mingi and Hongjoong. Were they the friends San was always with on Wednesday nights?</p><p>“Wait, you know each other?” Hongjoong asked, kind of panicked.</p><p>“Yeah...huh...we are neighbours” Wooyoung replied, trying not to look at San.</p><p>“Oh okay… I thought you two…” he started looking at Wooyoung and San.</p><p>Wooyoung frowned, not understanding what his hyung meant. Then he remembered how San was spending his time on Friday nights. The thought of Hongjoong thinking San and Wooyoung had sex made Wooyoung blush.</p><p>“Hyung! I didn’t fuck <em>every</em> cute guy in Seoul!” San outraged.</p><p><em>Cute?</em> Wooyoung tried not to think about it or it will make him blush even more.</p><p>“Language!” Hongjoong screamed and throwing a cushion at him.</p><p>San grabbed the cushion and rolled his eyes. He turned to Wooyoung.</p><p>“I’m San by the way,” he introduced himself with a smile revealing his dimples.</p><p>“Wooyoung,” Wooyoung simply replied, trying to smile back at him.</p><p>San didn’t look away, he stared as he was searching something into Wooyoung’s face. Wooyoung could feel the air getting thicker and needed a diversion.</p><p>“Where do I put this?” Wooyoung suddenly asked to Mingi, raising the bottles in his hands.</p><p>Mingi got up of the sofa and gestured Wooyoung to follow him in the kitchen. From behind, Wooyoung could still feel San’s burning gaze on him.</p><p>Even if Wooyoung was taken aback by San’s presence, it didn’t prevent him to spend a good night. He learnt that Yunho was a dancer in a prestigious school in Seoul, that’s why he wasn’t at SNU. He showed to Wooyoung some videos of his dance practice and Wooyoung couldn’t believe how good he was.</p><p>Wooyoung also learnt that San was at SNU, which was obvious but he never saw him going to class. His neighbour wanted to be a French literature teacher. The idea of San reading a book and in French was unbelievable to Wooyoung, but he kept that remark to himself.</p><p>Yunho started talking about the music Hongjoong and Mingi were working on recently. Hongjoong pointed out that it was for the project they had with Wooyoung.</p><p>“A project? You’re in Composition too?” San asked Wooyoung.</p><p>“No, I’m in Information Science and Culture Studies,” he said before seeing the confusion in San’s eyes, “I edit videos, pictures and do other things related to media.”</p><p>“Are you making a film and Hongjoong and Mingi are making the music for it?” Yunho asked excitedly.</p><p>“Yeah, and Wooyoungie’s script is awesome,” Hongjoong replied.</p><p>“What’s the plot?” San asked.</p><p>Wooyoung’s heart started beating fast.</p><p>“It’s about a boy meeting another one. The first cannot stop thinking about the other.” Mingi answered before eating a slice of pizza.</p><p>“It’s a love story then?” Yunho guessed.</p><p>“No, not exactly. They met but they don’t know each other. It’s like when you see someone in the streets and start to imagine their life.” Wooyoung explained with a low voice, almost a whisper.</p><p>“The first boy thinks about the other one but he’s asking himself things about him. Like what he likes or dislikes, what does he like for breakfast, basic stuff,” Hongjoong added.</p><p>“Will he get answers to these questions?” San asked, looking into Wooyoung’s orbs.</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t finish the script. He always thought of leaving these questions unanswered, because he thought he won’t have any answers about San. But now, the boy who was driving him crazy for a week was in front of him, talking to him. Will he get the answers to the thousands of questions he asked himself?</p><p>“I don’t know. I’m still thinking about it.” Wooyoung managed to answer.</p><p>“Hope he will.”</p><p><em>I hope too</em>, Wooyoung wanted to reply.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Around three in the morning, Hongjoong and Yunho fell asleep. Wooyoung decided to go home, feeling a little tired as well. San said he will go home too, now that he has someone to walk with him to his apartment.</p><p>It was cold when they left Mingi’s place. They were walking next to each other. Wooyoung could almost feel San's arm brushing his own at some moments. There was a silence between them but it wasn’t awkward. It was a comfortable silence.</p><p>“I’m glad you were able to work” San commented, to break the silence.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“The night when I disturbed you. You were working on the script, right?”</p><p>“Oh. Huh. Yes, I was.” Wooyoung marked a pause. “And sorry if I killed the mood of your party.”</p><p>San laughed, his dimples showing and Wooyoung couldn't bare how cute he was.</p><p>“You don't have to be sorry, I am the one who's sorry. I think it was worth it.”</p><p>Wooyoung chuckled. He asked himself how San would react if he knew the script was based on them. He wondered how Mingi and Hongjoong would react too.</p><p>“How do you know them? Mingi, Yunho and Hongjoong” Wooyoung suddenly asked.</p><p>“I was in high school with Mingi and Yunho. They both know each other from middle school. And Hongjoong-hyung, I know him through Mingi.”</p><p>Wooyoung simply nodded. Their quartet was similar to his own, it made him smile to see he had that in common with San.</p><p>San’s phone rang like he received a text, getting Wooyoung out of his thoughts. <em>Who was sending texts at three in the morning?</em> San took his phone, read the message but didn’t answer.</p><p>They arrived at their block of flats. They get into the lift in silence. Wooyoung took his phone to avoid making eye contact with San. He took his phone too, typing a text. Wooyoung asked himself he was replying to the text from earlier. He shook his head, that was none of his business.</p><p>They got out and went to their door. San put the key in the lock while Wooyoung searched for his keys in his jacket. San called out to Wooyoung.</p><p>“You’re more handsome with your black hair,” San stated.</p><p>Wooyoung almost dropped his keys.</p><p>“T-Thanks,” he stuttered.</p><p>“Good night Wooyoung-ssi,” he smiled before walking into his flat and closing the door behind me.</p><p>“Good night San-ssi,” Wooyoung whispered to himself before walking into his flat too.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Halloween</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The more the merrier.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!</p><p>Thank you for the kudos, even if you think 26 is nothing it means a lot to me!<br/>Hope you'll like this chapter. I'll try to write the next one soon :)<br/>If you want to talk with me, here's my Twitter account: @tinymat_</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“It should be a crime to be <em> that </em> hot” Yeosang sighed as he stared at his own reflection, stroking his wig.</p><p>It was Halloween and Yeosang chose to dress up as Harley Quinn to go to their party. Wooyoung fixed his best friend with a look and sighed. Was Yeosang falling in love with himself?</p><p>“And it should be a crime to be <em> that </em> full of yourself” Wooyoung commented knotting his Gryffindor tie. </p><p>Yeosang gave him a dark look, making Wooyoung chuckle. </p><p>“So, who will be there?” Jongho asked while putting fake blood on his face and clothes. </p><p>“Seonghwa-hyung will pick us up in a few minutes and we’ll join Wooyoungie’s new friends there,” </p><p>A former high school friend of Yunho, Mingi and San was throwing a Halloween party at his house. From what Wooyoung understood, that guy <em> loved </em> Halloween. His Halloween parties were always an event at school. It was something they couldn’t miss. Yunho offered Wooyoung to come and told him to bring his friends if they wanted to. Wooyoung found it a bit odd, they didn’t really know each other (they spent only one night together). Yunho saw his confusion and simply said “the more the merrier”. Wooyoung agreed because he really needed to go out and spend a good night far from his work. Maybe he also agreed because of San. </p><p>Days after Yunho’s invitation, a group chat was created. Yunho created it and added Hongjoong, Mingi, San and Wooyoung. He simply asked if everyone will go to Jinyoung’s party for Halloween. Wooyoung saw the message but didn’t reply straight away. San saw that and sent him a text, <em> privately</em>, to ask him if he would come. Wooyoung didn’t know if it was just out of curiosity or if San wanted him to come. He preferred not to try to answer that question. It wasn’t important. </p><p>Seonghwa, dressed up as a special agent, came to pick them up. Zombie Jongho sat on the passenger seat while Yeosang Quinn and Wooyoung Potter sat behind. The ride took less than an hour but it didn’t feel that long. </p><p>It’s been a while since they saw each other. It was maybe last summer or for Yeosang’s birthday in June, Wooyoung couldn’t remember. Yeosang and Seonghwa were in their third year of med school, Jongho entered his second year in Sports and Wooyoung had a lot of work between program writing, editing videos and his project with Hongjoong and Mingi. They saw each other for a lunch or because they bumped into themselves at the university, but someone was always missing. The car was filled with little stories, laughs and music. </p><p>Sometimes, Wooyoung thought he was heartless and incapable of love. His former partners always reproach him for being cold or not having feelings. They always said that it was like he forced himself not to get attached. But when Wooyoung was with friends, these fears were gone. He wasn’t heartless, he was capable of love and to get attached to someone. Yeosang, Jongho and Seonghwa were the living proof of that.   </p><p>Seonghwa found a parking spot not far from the house and they walked to the address Wooyoung was given. They couldn’t get wrong: the whole house was decorated as if it was haunted. They entered and Wooyoung easily found his new friends thanks to <em> giant </em> Yunho and Mingi who were taller than everyone. </p><p>The first was disguised as Thor, wearing a soft armour with fake abs and an ugly blonde wig. Mingi was wearing a black outfit with a black cap that ended at his ankles. At first, Wooyoung thought he was some warlock or something but Mingi turned his head to the left and he saw what was supposed to be blood at the corner of his lips and concluded he was dressed up as a vampire. Hongjoong was dressed as a pirate, not any pirate but Zoro from <em> One Piece</em>. He even bleached his hair in light green to match the character’s hair and put a black headband. As for San...</p><p>“You’re a Slytherin?” Wooyoung let out with shock.</p><p>Wooyoung Potter didn’t know what was more shocking between the fact that San and he were almost wearing the same costume or the fact that San chose Slytherin. He could complain about San’s choice but dressed up like this, San was <em> hot</em>. </p><p>His black hair was put back, clearing his face. His Slytherin tie was loose on his neck and the first buttons of his white shirt were open. He also wore thin silver earrings, two on each earlobe. But what caught most of Wooyoung’s attention was the thin black line of eyeliner he put on his eyes. </p><p>“And you’re a Gryffindor, that fits you well,” San complimented with a smile.</p><p>“Well, you don’t seem to be the only one to think that,” Yeosang teased, putting an arm around Wooyoung’s shoulders while looking behind San.</p><p>The group followed his gaze where a boy was sitting and strongly looking at Wooyoung.</p><p>“Guess someone isn’t coming home alone tonight,” Mingi chuckled.</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t reply, he just ran his hand through his hair nervously. Seonghwa seemed to notice because he tried to change the topic and introduced himself. They followed him, introducing themselves and explaining how they met each other. Wooyoung stole a glance at San and for the first time, he wasn’t smiling.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Wooyoung was agreeably surprised about how quick everyone clicked with each other. They were together for less than twenty minutes and they were all laughing like they were best friends for years. Yeosang was about to tell a story about a one night stand when San asked:</p><p>“Is that Areum-ah?” </p><p>They all followed his gaze. A girl was entering the living room, dressed up as Misa from <em> Death Note</em>. She was small, blonde and seemed to have a pretty face.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s her. Jinyoung told me she was coming,” Mingi answered before drinking his beer.</p><p>Wooyoung couldn’t take his eyes off her. Not that he was interested, girls weren't his thing, but he could feel she was different from other girls.</p><p>“Did she dye her hair or is that a wig? Hers looks better than mine” Yunho said.</p><p>“Every other wig looks better than yours. But it’s definitely her hair,” San replied.</p><p>“Who is she?” Seonghwa asked.</p><p>“Moon Areum, the ultimate girl crush of sixth-former Choi San” Mingi joked.</p><p>San rolled his eyes but didn’t deny. Wooyoung was right, she was different from other girls. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>They were here for a few hours now. Wooyoung danced until his feet hurt and his body couldn’t support his weight anymore. But he was feeling good, really good. He told Yeosang he was getting drinks and went to the kitchen, where San followed him. Wooyoung took the bottle of cola and served himself, he gestured to San if he wanted one and the latter disagreed.</p><p>“Your hyung, Seonghwa, is he a good guy?” San suddenly asked.</p><p>Wooyoung sealed the bottle, frowning. </p><p>“Why do you ask? You’re into him?”  </p><p>“No! It’s not for me,” he shouted but Wooyoung didn’t seem convinced of his answer and drank his cola, “I’m asking for Hongjoong-hyung,”</p><p>“What?” he exclaimed, his drink almost going down the wrong way. </p><p>“You didn’t see how they looked at each other? It’s love at first sight,”</p><p>“Love at first sight, you believe in those things?” Wooyoung chuckled.</p><p>“You don’t?” San asked with a little voice.</p><p>“No, not really. I’ve never thought <em> you </em> will. You don’t seem that…”</p><p>“Naive?” </p><p>“I was about to say romantic but naive works too,”</p><p>San put his hand to his chest like he was shot by a gun. </p><p>“I didn’t come here to suffer like this,” he said dramatically.</p><p>Wooyoung laughed at his dramatic act. San laughed a little and gazed at Wooyoung.</p><p>“What?” Wooyoung asked, afraid he has something on his face or something.</p><p>“I’m glad you came tonight” </p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“I wanted to see you again.” </p><p>Wooyoung felt naked against San’s intense gaze. He looked away for a couple of seconds and cleared his throat.</p><p>“Why?” he almost whispered.</p><p>San just looked at him, searching for something in Wooyoung’s orbs. The latter felt his heart beating faster and his hands sweating. What were they doing? What was <em> he </em> doing? Wooyoung’s brain shut down. They were just staring at each other but Wooyoung felt like it was intimate. Did someone ever look at him like San was doing it right now?  </p><p>“Choi San?” a feminine voice called out behind San.</p><p>San turned around, breaking the contact with Wooyoung. Wooyoung felt cold like someone threw a bunch of ice on him from head to toe. </p><p>“Areum?” he said.</p><p><em> Moon Areum, the ultimate girl crush of sixth-former Choi San</em>. Wooyoung was right, from far or from close, she had a pretty face. </p><p>“Yeah, it’s been a while. I almost didn’t recognise you,” she smiled, “You’re more handsome than in my memory,”</p><p>“Oh, really?” he flirted.</p><p>Wooyoung rolled his eyes and finished his drink before throwing his cup in the bin. He was about to leave the kitchen but stole a last glance at them. She didn’t even notice he was talking to someone when she arrived and he didn’t notice Wooyoung left. </p><p>Wooyoung sighed and turned around, giving them his back. He felt someone’s hand on his shoulder. He turned around and came face to face with, not San but the boy from earlier, the one who was looking at him.</p><p>“Hey, I think you dropped this,” he said, giving him a red napkin.</p><p>“Oh, thanks but it’s not mine,”</p><p>“I know, I just needed an excuse to talk to you and to give you my number,” he replied with a smile. </p><p>Wooyoung’s eyes opened wide and he didn’t know what to do or to answer. The boy took his hand to put the napkin inside.</p><p>“Just keep it, maybe you’ll need it one day,” the boy said with a wink before leaving.</p><p>When Wooyoung joined the others, Mingi already left with a girl he met. Hongjoong and Seonghwa were caught up in some deep conversation, Yunho took his wig off and Jongho and Yeosang were outside. </p><p>Wooyoung went outside to stay with Yeosang and Jongho. They started talking about Seonghwa and Hongjoong and Yeosang propose to bet on how long it will take them to start dating. Jongho and Wooyoung looked at each other, asking themselves if Yeosang was serious. Then, they started to bet and debate.</p><p>The Korean Harry Potter asked his friends if they knew where was the toilet. Jongho replied to him that it was upstairs on the left. Wooyoung left and entered the house again to go upstairs. He opened the first door he saw on his left and it wasn’t the toilet but a bedroom. </p><p>He found a couple making out on the bed. The boy was giving Wooyoung his back but the girl was facing him. He recognised Areum, her hair wasn’t as styled as before. She was sitting on the boy, running her hands through his hair. Wooyoung’s heart clenched when he recognised the Slytherin robe.  </p><p>He closed the door and went to the toilet. He tried to chase these images of his memory. Why was it affecting him? San was barely a friend to him, he was only his neighbour. He has the right to do everything he wanted to anyone, like Wooyoung. </p><p>The black-haired boy searched in his pocket and found the napkin. A name, Dohyun, and a phone number were written. He took his phone.</p><p><strong>Wooyoung</strong>: I’m leaving. Wanna come with me?</p><p>He didn’t wait long, only a couple of minutes. </p><p><strong>Dohyun</strong>: I’m waiting outside.</p><p>Mingi was right, someone isn’t coming home alone tonight, and it was neither San or him.</p><p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Les Misérables</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yeosang tries to open Wooyoung’s eyes when the devil appears.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!</p><p>I'm back with another chapter (finally). I'll try to write chapter 5 soon and post it around Christmas.<br/>Feel free to tell me what you've thought about this chapter in the comments. I'm looking for new moots on Twitter so if you're too, follow me: @tinymat_ :)</p><p>enjoy reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first rain of November was stroking the window of Wooyoung’s flat. The black-haired boy was at his desk, working on some editing work his professor gave him while Yeosang was reading a med book on the sofa. There was silence, which was rare when Wooyoung and Yeosang were together, but it was peaceful. Wooyoung took off his glasses for a few seconds to rub his tired eyes. When he put them back his gaze met the white wall of his flat. The white wall that was between his apartment and San’s. </p><p>Wooyoung didn’t hear much of him since the Halloween party. He was barely a ghost in the group chat where Yunho added Wooyoung’s friends. The boy wrote several messages but never sent them. He simply didn't have the courage to send him a text to ask him if he was okay. He didn’t want to ask Hongjoong, Yunho or Mingi either, it’d be weird. He started asking himself why he cared so much. </p><p>“Wooyoung-ah,” Yeosang called him out.</p><p>Wooyoung almost jumped when he heard his best friend’s voice. He noticed Yeosang was standing in the open-plan kitchen, in front of the fridge. Wooyoung was too caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t hear or see Yeosang getting up off the sofa.</p><p>“I asked you if you wanted Coke?” </p><p>“No, thanks. I’ll… I think I need coffee.” Wooyoung answered before going to the kitchen as well. </p><p>Yeosang nodded and poured Coke in his glass while Wooyoung switched on the coffee maker. Wooyoung was still caught up in his thoughts and didn’t notice Yeosang’s gaze on him. When the coffee maker stopped, Yeosang sighed and ran his hand through his hair.</p><p>“What’s between you and San?” he bluntly asked.</p><p>Wooyoung almost dropped his cup full of hot coffee. </p><p>“A wall, as you can see,” he replied pointing to the wall behind him.</p><p>Yeosang rolled his eyes and drank a mouthful of his Coke.</p><p>“So, nothing happened between you two?” he questioned before Wooyoung shook his head “Don’t you find him attractive?”</p><p>“Why are you asking all of these questions?” Wooyoung lost patience.</p><p>“I’m just trying to understand something,”</p><p>“San is just my neighbour, there is nothing to understand,”</p><p>“Then why did he seem so worked up when I told him you left with someone at the Halloween party?” Yeosang revealed.</p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <em> Halloween party  </em>
</p><p>When Wooyoung entered to go to the toilet, Yeosang offered Jongho to go back inside since the temperature was getting lower. They joined the others, well mostly Yunho since Hongjoong and Seonghwa seemed to be in their bubble, San was nowhere to be found and Mingi left an hour ago. </p><p>Ten minutes passed, then fifteen, twenty and still no news from Wooyoung. Yeosang took his phone and saw a text of his best friend that was sent ten minutes ago.</p><p><strong>Wooyoung</strong>: Sorry to ditch you, I left with someone.</p><p>Yeosang chuckled, he bet it was the guy from earlier. At that moment, San joined them knotting his Slytherin tie. His make up wasn’t as fresh as it was when they arrived but Yeosang pretended not to notice.</p><p>San looked around and asked Yeosang where Wooyoung was. Yeosang Quinn laughed and said he left with someone. Everyone was shocked or excited to know that, asking for more details. Everyone, except San.</p><p>“With who? The guy who was drooling on him?” he asked, bitter.</p><p>“I don’t know. Maybe.” Yeosang shrugged.</p><p>“Your best friend left with someone and you don’t even ask who it is? What if he left with someone… I don’t know… dangerous?”</p><p>“Wooyoung is a grown-ass man, he knows what he’s doing,” Yeosang replied, slightly taken aback by San’s reaction.</p><p>“What’s wrong with you?” Hongjoong asked San.</p><p>“Are you bitter because you’re still here while two of our friends are having a great time?” Yunho teased.</p><p>San’s jaw clenched, Yeosang could see it. He looked at his right for a few seconds before looking at Yunho.</p><p>“I’m not. I’m leaving anyway. Areum is waiting for me,”</p><p>“Areum-ah?” Yunho repeated but San had already left them.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“San left with Areum-ssi?” Wooyoung echoed.</p><p>Some images of San and Areum kissing on a bed came into Wooyoung’s mind. He closed his eyes to chase them. He wasn’t supposed to see this and he wasn’t supposed to feel the way he was feeling right now.</p><p>“Hongjoong-hyung thinks they’re dating. That’s what he told Seonghwa-hyung.”</p><p><em> Dating</em>. Wooyoung has known San for a few weeks, but he knew San was changing his partner like he was changing his clothes. But Areum wasn’t like his other partners, Wooyoung understood that. </p><p>“Well, good for them.” he simply said.</p><p>“Why do I have the feeling you don’t mean what you said?” Yeosang added, tilting his head like looking at Wooyoung with a different angle would help him find the answer. </p><p>Wooyoung parted his lips but was cut off by the bell. Both boys frowned, they weren’t waiting for someone. Wooyoung went to open the door and came face to face with San.</p><p>“Hi,” his neighbour said with a little smile, revealing his dimples.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Wooyoung asked without greetings.</p><p>He analysed him from head to toe. San was wearing a dark grey V-neck jumper with a light grey pair of jeans and black shoes. He held his laptop closer to him and seemed taken aback by Wooyoung’s coldness. The host bit his lower lip, realising he didn’t greet him how he should have. He stepped aside, gesturing San to enter.</p><p>“My wifi stopped working and I was wondering if I could work here?” he asked softly.</p><p>San arrived in the living room and saw Yeosang. If San seemed surprised to see Yeosang, the latter wasn’t surprised to see him. </p><p>“We were working so it won’t be a problem, right Wooyoungie?” Yeosang answered with a smile. </p><p>Yeosang seemed to enjoy this situation too much. Wooyoung poked his cheek with his tongue. San looked at Yeosang then at Wooyoung. The poor guy didn’t understand the weird atmosphere that was lingering between the two best friends. Wooyoung forced a smile at San.</p><p>“Make yourself at home,”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The three boys were working in silence. Wooyoung was back at his desk, finishing his editing homework, Yeosang struggling to understand some parts of his plastic surgery course on the bed and San typing fast on his laptop. Yeosang peeked from his book for a couple of seconds and saw San glancing at Wooyoung. Yeosang looked away before San caught him. Wooyoung stood up to go to the kitchen when Yeosang started packing.</p><p>“You’re leaving?” San asked.</p><p>“Yes, I forgot a book at home and Woo’s bed too comfortable I might fall asleep” </p><p>Wooyoung frowned. Yeosang simply winked at him when San wasn’t looking and Wooyoung was more confused. Yeosang waved to them before leaving the apartment. San turned towards Wooyoung and asked him if he finished his work. Wooyoung simply nodded.</p><p>“I have to read <em> Les Misérables </em> for my 19th-Century Literature course. They did a musical film a few years ago… would you like to watch it with me?” San offered Wooyoung, a little bit scared of a refusal.</p><p>Wooyoung ran his hand through his hair and looked at San. It was just watching a film so, why did he feel this weird? Wooyoung nodded, making San smile. He made another coffee, asked San if he wanted anything -to what San answered that he was fine-, switch off his computer and sat on the sofa.</p><p>“Why are you sitting that far?” San frowned seeing Wooyoung on the edge of the couch.</p><p> Wooyoung looked at the distance between San and him. He mumbled something before slightly closing the distance between them. San put his laptop on the coffee table in front of them and fully closed the distance between them. They were so close that their knees were touching. San didn’t seem to care about their proximity and started the film. </p><p>Wooyoung watched it with attention but kept glancing over San from time to time. The latter was immersed in the film. He was making some comments and chuckled a few times. He even cried when Fantine died and Jean Valjean promised to take care of her daughter Cosette. Wooyoung could see stars in San’s eyes when people were dancing and singing. San enjoying this film was the most endearing thing Wooyoung attend to for a long time. </p><p>The film ended and San’s belly rumbled. Wooyoung chuckled when he saw San putting his arms around his belly to reduce the noise before going to the kitchen. He opened the fridge and saw he had what he needed to cook something nice for both of them.</p><p>“Do you like <em> jeyuk deopbap </em> (spicy pork with rice)?” Wooyoung asked San from the kitchen.</p><p>“Yes, but don’t worry I can,” San replied walking towards the kitchen and stopped when he saw Wooyoung taking the ingredients out of the fridge, “Wait, you <em> cook </em>?” </p><p>“Yes, don’t you?”</p><p>“Well, if putting things in the microwave is called cooking then yes, I cook,” </p><p>They both laughed and Wooyoung grabbed two aprons. He threw one at San who grabbed it.</p><p>“So, you’ll be my assistant,”</p><p>“You have a lot of faith in me Chef Jung,” San joked while putting the apron.</p><p>“<em>Yah</em>, <em> yah</em>, stop it and wash your hands before cutting the onions,”</p><p>San complied and they both start cooking back-to-back. Wooyoung was cutting the carrot when he heard San making a hurt sound. He turned around and saw San pressing his finger. Wooyoung went to him and saw a small cut in San’s fingertip. The cook took the first-aid kit that was in the bathroom, cleaned the small wound and put a plaster on San’s finger. </p><p>“If I knew you were <em> that </em> bad at cooking I would have never ask you to do something” Wooyoung joked.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” San whispered, looking at his feet like a child who’s been scolded.</p><p>“Hey,” Wooyoung called out, lifting San’s face with his finger. “Don’t be sorry, it’s okay,” </p><p>Their faces were close, really close. Wooyoung’s gaze followed San’s eyes, his nose, the three moles that form a triangle on his cheek, his pinky lips and then went back to his orbs, where he could see his reflection. Why were they staying like this? Why did Wooyoung’s heart hit like a drum? Was he breathing? Wooyoung’s hand was still on San’s chin. San’s eyes travelled from Wooyoung’s eyes to his lips. Wooyoung’s heart beat faster. </p><p>San’s phone rang. He took it and Wooyoung could read “Areum” on the screen. He moved back, feeling guilty without knowing why.</p><p>“Take it, I’ll finish the dinner,” he said before turning his back.</p><p>San didn’t answer to the call right away, it took him a few seconds before going to the living room. Wooyoung tried not to listen to San’s voice but his flat was too small. Every word San was pronouncing were hitting the walls and Wooyoung’s ears. </p><p>It was the second time something like <em>that </em> happened. Wooyoung told himself it couldn’t happen again. He shouldn’t feel that way, not for someone and especially someone like San. </p><p>San hung up and came back into the kitchen. Wooyoung told him it was almost done and asked him if he could put the rice in the microwave. San did, silently. He served the rice and put the plates in the living room before sitting on the couch. Wooyoung came later to add the meat to their plates. He sat on the edge of the sofa and this time San didn’t say a thing. They were eating in silence, only the noise of their chopsticks and them chewing echoing. </p><p>“Thank you,” San broke the silence and Wooyoung looked at him, “For letting me work here, for this -he said raising his finger with the plaster- and for the food, you’re a great cook,”</p><p>“You’re welcome,”</p><p>Wooyoung looked away, fixing his plate. However, he could feel San’s gaze on him. They finished their meal and went putting their plate in the sink. San was going to wash the dishes but Wooyoung refused. Wooyoung’s neighbour understood it was time for him to leave and say goodbye to Wooyoung.</p><p>“San-ssi,” Wooyoung called out from the kitchen while San was at the door of the living room “Even if you’re dating someone, don’t be a stranger.”</p><p>San slowly nodded, admitting he was almost a ghost to his friends for the past week. He couldn’t see Wooyoung because they were in different rooms but San turned his head towards the kitchen.</p><p>“I won’t,” he answered first before parting his lips again, “Not to you”, he then whispered for himself and left the flat.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Ready, set and begin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Study session when everyone does everything but study.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!</p><p>I'm back with another chapter! I hope you'll like it, I was in a mood to write some fluffy stuff.<br/>I wish you a Merry Christmas and will try to write something before the New Year's Eve.<br/>For the ones who don't celebrate Christmas, I hope you're taking benefit from this break!<br/>You can follow me on Twitter, my username doesn't change: @tinymat_</p><p>Enjoy reading! 💙</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>San listened to Wooyoung’s advice and was more present since. For the last few days, he replied more often to the group and even offered to meet sometime all together. He was so keen to see them that he joined Mingi, Hongjoong and Wooyoung at their study session at Yunho and Mingi’s flat. When Hongjoong asked why he would come, since they were supposed to work on their project, San replied he would keep Yunho company.  </p><p>Wooyoung didn’t think San would really come, but he was the one who opened the door to him. As usual, he was smiling brightly, dimples showing. Wooyoung tried to smile at him too but his smile was just forced and awkward. San stepped aside to let Wooyoung come in. </p><p>When the two boys arrived in the living room they could see the chaos in the open-plan kitchen. Hongjoong was covered by flour, flour that was probably thrown on him by Yunho since he had a flour bag in his hands, and a weird fluid was running through Mingi’s hair.  </p><p>“What the fuck is going on?” San asked, baffled.</p><p>“We were hungry and we tried to make pancakes. Hongjoong-hyung and I fought over the flour.” Yunho explained.</p><p>“I tried to break the shell of the egg by hitting the egg on my head,” Mingi added.</p><p>Wooyoung chuckled while San took the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. Wooyoung put his bag on the floor, took off his coat and rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt covered by a black V-neck knit vest. </p><p>“I’m gonna do it”, he announced while entering the war zone.</p><p> “You will?” Yunho asked, glitters in his puppy eyes.</p><p>Wooyoung nodded and went to the sink to wash his hands.</p><p>“<em>Daebak</em>, hope San didn’t lie when he said you were a great cook,” Mingi added before leaving to the bathroom with Hongjoong to remove the flour and egg.</p><p>Did San talk about their dinner? Wooyoung didn’t dare to turn around to look at San. He felt his gaze on his back and realised how vulnerable he felt when the boy was looking at him. Yunho was taking out everything Wooyoung would need to make pancakes and San got closer to him.</p><p>“Do you need an assistant? There’s nothing to cut this time, right?” San inquired, smiling like an excited kid on Christmas.</p><p>Wooyoung stared at him for a couple of seconds. San had already rolled up the sleeves of his black polo-neck sweater that was tucked into dress trousers of the same colour. </p><p>“Well, it’s just pancakes. I don’t need help, but thanks” Wooyoung replied without making eye contact, adjusting his glasses on his nose.</p><p>San pouted, sad to be useless. Yunho told them he would go to the grocery to buy maple syrup and left the flat. Wooyoung started to make the batter while San was leaning on the worktop, chin on his hand, to watch Wooyoung.</p><p>“Are you going to watch me cook?” Wooyoung asked, focused on his task.</p><p>“Yes. Do I make you nervous?” </p><p>Wooyoung stopped what he was doing to look at him. He wasn’t surprised to see a big smirk on his lips and chuckle.</p><p>“You wish,” he said, making San chuckle.</p><p>Hongjoong came back with ridiculously huge new clothes that he took from Mingi’s wardrobe. He put his phone on the worktop, next to the bowl Wooyoung was using, before going to the fridge next to San. The two boys started chatting but Wooyoung was too immersed in his task and his thoughts to even hear what they were saying. When the batter was ready, Wooyoung took the frying pan Yunho gave him to start the pancakes. </p><p>“Seonghwa-hyung told me your birthday was in two weeks. Why didn’t you tell us?” Hongjoong complained.</p><p>“Oh… it’s nothing,” Wooyoung replied, running his hands through his hair.</p><p>“You’re kidding? We should celebrate!” San exclaimed.</p><p>“I don’t really… I’m not the type of person who celebrates their birthday actually”</p><p>“Oh… But we can still hang out all together, no cake, no gift if you don’t want to. It could be a good excuse for Yeosangie and Seonghwa-hyung to get their noses out of their books,” Hongjoong suggested. </p><p>“Yeah, why not. It’d be nice,” Wooyoung agreed, slightly nodding and pouring the batter.</p><p>“Great! I’ll send them a text now,” Hongjoong said searching his phone inside the pockets of Mingi’s tracksuit, “Where did I put my phone?” he mumbled to himself.</p><p>“Here”, San said, reaching Hongjoong’s phone.</p><p>San walked towards Wooyoung, putting a hand to the cook’s hip and bent to grab the phone. Wooyoung froze for a moment, electric shock running through his backbone. San removed his hand in a split second making Wooyoung feel cold. He didn’t mean to touch you, it was just to grab Hongjoong-hyung’s phone, Wooyoung said to himself to calm down.  </p><p>At that moment, Yunho came back from the grocery store with the maple syrup and Mingi entered the living room, drying his wet hair with a towel. Wooyoung made a dozen pancakes for them and put them on a plate. They all sat at the table and started to eat, paying Wooyoung compliments about his cooking skills. After twenty minutes, Hongjoong recalled that they were together today to work to which Mingi replied that Hongjoong wasn’t funny. </p><p>Wooyoung took his laptop and put his glasses on, looking serious. He could feel San’s gaze on him but tried not to pay attention or be distracted by it. However, Mingi was texting which got on Hongjoong’s temper who took his phone.</p><p>“Don’t text while we’re working!” he screamed before looking at the screen “Wait, who’s <em> Noona </em>?” </p><p>Mingi tried to take his phone but Hongjoong passed it to Yunho who was on the other side of the table.</p><p>“Ah, it’s the girl from the Halloween party. Mingi and her have had a lot of dates since,” Yunho answered before giving Mingi his phone.</p><p>“You’re dating someone and I have to stick my nose on your phone to find out about it?” Hongjoong blurted, outraged.</p><p>“We’re not dating… We’re just… fucking” Mingi said, looking away and putting his phone in his pocket.</p><p>“Language!” Hongjoong shouted, hitting Mingi’s arm.</p><p>Usually, Mingi would whine at Hongjoong playful hit and stroked his arm. But he didn’t bother doing it. He just looked at his hands and stayed silent. Wooyoung hadn’t known Mingi for a long time but he could see something was troubling him. </p><p>“Do you… Do you like her?” Wooyoung dared to ask.</p><p>Mingi raised his small eyes towards Wooyoung. The latter feared he asked something too personal, that Mingi wouldn’t want to answer and feel uncomfortable. But he slowly nodded.</p><p>“But she said she’s not ready to commit,” he whispered looking at his hands again.</p><p>“Then try harder, if you show her how bad you like her and how bad you want to be with her, she will reconsider it,” San intervened.</p><p>“That’s not how it works,” Wooyoung let out more harshly than he wanted to say it.</p><p>San frowned but said nothing. </p><p>“If you push her, she’ll be scared and run away. Show her you understand what she told you and just wait. You can’t force her to reconsider her choice, she needs to do it by herself” Wooyoung clarified.</p><p>“I think Wooyoungie is right.” Hongjoong agreed.</p><p>Mingi thanked Wooyoung for his advice, both boys exchanging a shy smile. They started working and San stayed silent all afternoon.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Two weeks later, Wooyoung went to Yunho and Mingi’s flat with Yeosang and Jongho. When the door opened, Mingi shouted “happy birthday” and took Wooyoung in his arms so hard that Wooyoung couldn’t reach the ground. They all laughed and went inside where everyone was. Wooyoung froze when he saw a couple kissing on the couch. San turned his head, wiping his lips from Areum’s lipstick, and stood up when he saw Wooyoung. </p><p>The latter looked away and first greeted Hongjoong and Seonghwa who approached him. Yunho took him in his arms, in a softer way than Mingi did, and wished him a happy birthday too. Wooyoung was now facing Areum. She wasn’t wearing heels so she was smaller than him. She had a milky skin like his, emphasised by her now black hair that was reaching her chin. </p><p>“Happy birthday Wooyoung-ssi! I’ve heard a lot about you,” she said with a huge smile.</p><p>“About me?” he echoed, eyeing to San for a split of a second. </p><p>She quickly nodded. Wooyoung didn’t know why but he was embarrassed. Areum wasn’t saying that for a reason, she didn’t seem bothered about San talking about Wooyoung. </p><p>“Don’t worry, it was never anything negative!” she added before chuckling.</p><p>It was hard for Wooyoung to admit it, but Areum was cute. She seemed to be a nice girl and it would have been way easier if she wasn’t. </p><p>He just smiled at her, too embarrassed to form a correct answer. Yunho arrived with mikes and DVDs.</p><p>“Jongho said he was the best at karaoke, I wanna see that!” Yunho explained when everyone looked at him.</p><p>Oh dear, they weren’t ready for this.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>After one hour, Wooyoung was praying none of Yunho and Mingi’s neighbours called the police. Jongho hit all high notes he could, which meant a lot, and Mingi tried to follow him but he should have limited himself to rap. Yeosang and Wooyoung teamed up to make higher scores than Yunho and San but it ended up with a tie. Hongjoong and Seonghwa didn’t bother to sing, they were too caught up in their conversation and each other’s eyes. Areum just stayed there, watching them, laughing sometimes or texting. </p><p>Wooyoung threw himself on the couch, next to Yeosang. He had the open-plan kitchen in his field of vision. Areum was making <em>ramyeon</em> and San back hugging her. From where he was, Wooyoung could see San’s head in her neck. She was giggling as if he was kissing her neck softly. Wooyoung gulped, why was he looking at this? </p><p>He felt someone hitting his shoulder and lowered his eyes toward Yeosang. His best friend was showing him the drone of his dreams and started to draw its portrait. He didn’t know if Yeosang saw it too if he was trying to distract him, but it worked.  </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>Wooyoung turned his head to Seonghwa who got closer to him. Everyone was in the living room, watching a film. Wooyoung was looking for a glass when Seonghwa approached him.</p><p> “Yes, why shouldn’t I?” he whispered back, not to disturb the ones who were watching the film.</p><p>Seonghwa ran his hand through his hair. He dyed it too, in silver. Wooyoung thought it looked good on him. He also thought that Hongjoong convinced him to do it. </p><p>“Well, I’m not blind. I can see you’re different tonight.” he first said, “Is it because of San’s girlfriend?” </p><p>“We are friends,” Wooyoung uttered slowly to make Seonghwa register each word.</p><p>“Are you sure about that? You’re not looking at each other as friends” </p><p>“Yes, I’m sure about that. And instead of giving me lessons about friendship and love life, you should look at yourself.” </p><p>“What? What are you talking about?” Seonghwa was confused, eyebrows frowning and took a step back from Wooyoung.</p><p> “Come on Hyung, everyone knows there’s something between you and Hongjoong-hyung.” </p><p>Seonghwa didn’t deny it but didn’t say anything else. He looked at his feet and stayed silent. Wooyoung took his glass of water and went back to the living room. He sat next to Yeosang, far from San and Areum who were cuddling and far from Seonghwa.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Wooyoung woke up at 5 AM. Everyone was asleep except San, who was on his mobile phone. San felt Wooyoung’s orbs on him and raised his eyes towards him.</p><p>“Oh, you’re awake, I was waiting for you to come home,” San whispered.</p><p>Wooyoung looked around, Areum wasn’t there. San answered before he asked where she was.</p><p>“She left twenty minutes ago, she’s working this afternoon,”</p><p>Wooyoung simply nodded. San asked him if he wanted to go or if he wanted to stay there to sleep. Wooyoung tried his best to be fully awake and stood up, he hated sleeping anywhere but in his bed. </p><p>Both boys did their best not to make any noise and left the flat. It was cold outside and Wooyoung regretted not wearing a polo-neck sweater. They walked in silence but it was comforting. The sun was slowly waking up, throwing orange and yellow lights on them. Wooyoung glanced at San’s profile, just for a split of seconds before looking in front of him. Something hit him. </p><p>Wooyoung never met someone as handsome as San. In fact, he was ethereal. Inside and out. Maybe, that’s why Wooyoung was constantly thinking about him. Maybe that’s why he felt kind of jealous of Areum. Maybe he was feeling all of this because he saw his idea of perfection through San. </p><p>San stopped to take a picture of the sun reflecting on the glass buildings. He smiled, proud of his picture and Wooyoung never saw the sun shining that hard. San showed his picture to Wooyoung, still smiling and they started talking again. Everything was so natural, so easy yet difficult with San. He was different and Wooyoung knew it from the beginning. He just realised it now.</p><p>They arrived in front of their doors, where they would pull apart. San asked Wooyoung to stay because he had something for him.</p><p>“I know Hongjoong-hyung said no gifts but when I saw it I thought about you and I couldn’t let it there!” he exclaimed, giving him a white paper bag.</p><p>“Thank you, it’s… it’s really nice,” Wooyoung stuttered.</p><p>“Goodnight Wooyoungie, and happy birthday again,” San said before leaving in his flat.</p><p>Wooyoung entered in his own. He took off his shoes and clothes before taking a shower and put some pyjamas. He sat on the bed and took the paper bag in his hand. He hesitated for a few minutes before opening it. </p><p>It was a black t-shirt with something written on it: “Dobby is free”. He smiled, remembering that he once said to San that Dobby was one of his favourite characters. Thoughtlessly, Wooyoung smelled the t-shirt. It smelled something sweet like honey. He wondered if it was San’s scent.</p><p>When he was going to put the t-shirt inside the bag, he found a small card. He unfolded it and read the words San wrote on it.</p><p>
  <em> Thank you for being born. </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. A pure heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Study buddies, biscuits and a heart-to-heart discussion.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!<br/>it's me again :)</p><p>I know I posted chapter 5 a few days ago but... I found time to write (even if this chapter is shorter than usual but don't worry). I also told you I'd post before New Year's Eve and since I'm working next week I didn't know if I could post after today.</p><p>I wanted to thank you for those sweet comments you left on the previous chapters. It really boosted me and helped me grow confidence. </p><p>As usual, feel free to share your thoughts about this chapter in the comments. You can also follow me on Twitter: @tinymat_ (dm me if you want!)</p><p>I wish you to spend a happy end of the year. Take care of yourself and see you next year with another chapter ❤️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>San came to Wooyoung’s place to study again. He did it a couple of times and it became their routine. They would work, Wooyoung at his desk and San on the couch or the bed, not saying much and when they would be hungry, Wooyoung would cook. If someone told Wooyoung that he’d be San’s study buddy a few weeks ago, he wouldn’t have believed it. But now, it was… natural. </p><p>Even if Wooyoung couldn’t really understand what and how he was feeling, he couldn’t help but be himself with San. He wasn’t trying to fill the room with useless sentences. No, he stayed quiet when he wanted to and it never seemed to bother San. He never felt that way with someone so easily, so fast. </p><p>“What is that?” San asked, pointing at something in the kitchen.</p><p>Wooyoung readjusted his glasses before looking at San. The boy was pointing at a jar with a red ribbon. It was full of biscuits, some had a pine tree shape while some others were shaped as small men. Wooyoung could feel his cheeks become a little warmer. He hoped to be too far from San for him to notice their pale pink shade. He acted as if he was more focused on his screen than his neighbour.</p><p>“Oh… It’s nothing. I baked those for my parents but they don’t taste good,” he lied.</p><p>“You cooked something that doesn’t taste good? I’ll have to taste it to believe that,” San replied, opening the jar carefully.</p><p>Wooyoung watched him took a pine tree-shaped biscuit and smelt it. The cook smiled. He noticed San had the habit of smelling everything he was about to eat and he found it cute. San took a bite of the biscuit, chewed a little and his eyes grew bigger.</p><p>“Are you kidding me? This is fucking delicious!” he exclaimed, mouth still full.</p><p>Wooyoung chuckled, endeared by San’s reaction.</p><p>“Language!” he tried to imitate Hongjoong, making San laugh.</p><p>San finished the biscuit, licking the tip of his finger to eat the icing. He was about to take another but stopped.</p><p>“You should give those biscuits to your parents, they’re delicious,”</p><p>“You seem to enjoy them, take them. I’ll make others for my parents,”</p><p>“You sure?”</p><p>“Mm-mmh” Wooyoung nodded, focused on his screen.</p><p>“Thank you Wooyoungie,” San thanked him with <em> this </em> cute smile Wooyoung liked too much before taking another biscuit.</p><p>San sat back on the couch, resuming his reading. The boy hadn’t any idea that his neighbour made those biscuits just for him because he wanted to thank him for the t-shirt. He also had no idea that his stupid neighbour was too shy and too embarrassed to give him those biscuits. Wooyoung spent half a day making them because he wanted the biscuits to be as cute as San. He spent the other half of the day thinking about <em> how </em> he should offer them to him. Well, as you can see, he didn’t find out how to give them to him.</p><p>Wooyoung glanced at San’s figure. He could only see the book hanging above his head and his feet that poked out of the couch. This time he was reading a French play -Wooyoung wouldn’t know if San hadn’t told him- called <em> Le Jeu de l’amour et du hasard </em> ( <em> The Game of Love and Chance </em>). San’s capacity to read French was still amazing Wooyoung. The latter then thought that it wasn’t the only thing about San that amazed him. </p><p>San felt the same way when he watched Wooyoung cooking. That day, he made <em> yukgaejang </em> (spiced beef soup). San contemplated every step Wooyoung followed to make the perfect dish. He did that without saying a word. He didn’t want to disturb Wooyoung because he liked his focused expression.  </p><p>An hour later, they sat on the couch and ate the soup. As usual, it was delicious. As usual, San told Wooyoung he should quit university to open a restaurant and it never failed to make Wooyoung laugh.</p><p>“Since you’re talking about uni, why did you choose French? I don’t know a lot of people talking French and certainly not as fluently as you” Wooyoung asked.</p><p>“My father used to be an interpreter. He taught us, my sister and I, French since we were little,”</p><p>Wooyoung nodded.</p><p>“He’s not an interpreter now?”</p><p>“No, he’s running a taekwondo studio. He taught us that too,”</p><p>“Which belt do you have?”</p><p>“A third-degree black,” he answered with a smirk before eating.</p><p>Wooyoung rolled his eyes. He could have praised San, but he knew this smirk too well. </p><p>“You’re not going to answer that?”</p><p>“I think you praised yourself enough for both of us, that smirk was a proof of that,”</p><p>“Are you saying that I’m cocky?” San asked amused.</p><p>“I’m thinking, saying and screaming that you’re the cockiest person I know,”</p><p>San laughed, followed by Wooyoung. Their laughs died when San’s phone rang. His phone was on the table, letting Wooyoung read the name: Areum. They looked at each other and Wooyoung gestured him to take it. San nodded and answered, feeling a bit awkward. </p><p>When they were spending times like this, Wooyoung forgot the outside world. He felt like they were in their own bubble, that his flat was the only place on Earth and they were the only two human beings left. But it wasn’t. There was a whole world outside of this place, with people including Areum, San’s girlfriend.</p><p>San hung up, filling the room with cold silence. They finished their plate without saying a thing, Wooyoung had an impression of deja-vu. This time, he couldn’t help but break the silence.</p><p>“How do you do that?” the question burning his lips.</p><p>“Do what?”</p><p>“Your heart falls in and falls out so easily. It’s like you didn’t pass through the breakup phase before getting into another relationship” </p><p>It wasn’t a criticism, both boys knew that. There was something pleading in Wooyoung’s voice. San couldn’t put his finger on it but he swore Wooyoung needed the answer to that question. The poor boy hoped there was some sort of magic formula.</p><p>“Well, isn’t what life is supposed to be?” he replied, making Wooyoung frowned, “People come in and out of your life. If you accept that in the first place, you won’t suffer from anyone that leaves you,”</p><p>Wooyoung wasn’t happy about that answer, lowering his head with his gaze focused on his empty plate. He might have excepted another answer. Something easier to do. </p><p>“Maybe I say that because I’ve never fallen in love” San added. </p><p>“You’ve never fallen in love?” Wooyoung echoed, this time looking at San.</p><p>San shook his head from left to right.</p><p>“I had feelings for many people but I’ve never fallen in love,”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>San was taken aback by Wooyoung’s question. </p><p>“I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t meet the right person yet,”</p><p>Wooyoung silently nodded. He stood up and took their plates to put them in the sink.</p><p>“And what about you?” </p><p>“Me?” Wooyoung echoed.</p><p>“Yeah, don’t you have a boyfriend?”</p><p>Wooyoung almost dropped the plates on the floor. He caught them before they fell on the ground and put them in the sink.</p><p>“A <em> boyfriend </em> ? <em> Me </em>? Hell, no,” </p><p>A nervous laugh left his lips. How could San think he had a boyfriend? Where did he get that?</p><p>“I thought you were seeing this guy… the one from the Halloween party,”</p><p>Wooyoung frowned, not understanding what San was talking about. Suddenly, he remembered the party, what he saw, when he left and with who and Yeosang telling him San knew about it.</p><p>“Oh, you mean Dohyun. We don’t… I just… It’s was just a one night stand,” Wooyoung explained.</p><p>San slowly nodded. Wooyoung couldn’t read his expression which was odd since San was expressive. He turned on the water to start washing the dishes. </p><p>“Have you ever fallen in love with someone Wooyoung-ssi?”</p><p>San using the honorifics startled Wooyoung. When he met his eyes he could swear that he never saw San <em> that </em> serious, even when he was working. Wooyoung’s answer seemed important to him.</p><p>“No,”</p><p>“Have you ever love someone? Romantically I mean,”</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t answer. He preferred to wash their plates, focusing on the feeling of the warm water on his hands than San’s voice. He could only hear the water and his heartbeat. </p><p>“You’re not,” San begun but Wooyoung cut him off.</p><p>“No,” he simply said first “No, I never loved someone. Not romantically,”</p><p>Wooyoung was still washing dishes, not looking at San. The boy could feel his gaze on him. After a few seconds, when San didn’t speak, Wooyoung dared to turn his head to look at him. Something in his eyes was different.</p><p>“I’ve never met someone who never loved someone”</p><p>“You must find it weird or ridiculous,”</p><p>Wooyoung turned the water off and took a tea towel to dry his wet hands.</p><p>“No, I think it’s beautiful,”</p><p>“Beautiful?” he echoed, putting the tea towel on the worktop.</p><p>“Your heart is still pure. Your love will be deep and sincere,”</p><p>Wooyoung chuckled, slightly embarrassed. He tended to forget that San was a big romantic. </p><p>“Does that mean yours isn’t anymore? That your love isn’t deep and sincere?” </p><p>San tilted his head, thinking about the questions. </p><p>“I wouldn’t say that but… the intensity isn’t the same. The feelings are just repetitions of what I felt before. Sometimes I wished I could feel first love again,”</p><p>They stayed silent, only their breathing filling the room. Wooyoung wanted to know something. The question hitting every part of his head. He was scared of the answer but he had nothing to lose.</p><p>“What about Areum? Do you love her?”</p><p>San locked his orbs in Wooyoung’s eyes. Both of them looking for something in each other eyes. </p><p>“I don’t know,” </p><p>This answer made Wooyoung go back to square one. He tilted his head, not breaking the eye contact with San.</p><p>“I don’t think so,” he then added.</p><p>Something bloomed in Wooyoung’s chest. He didn’t know what it was back then. But now he could put a word on it.</p><p><em> Hope </em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Dancing Like Butterfly Wings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The first snowflakes of December</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>happy new year! </p><p>It's kind of weird for me to wish you that since 2020 was a hard year. I wish you hope for this new year. Be confident, do what you love, don't be scared of anything and don't let anything stop you.</p><p>Thanks again for the hits, the kudos and the comments. You're amazing and I hope you'll like this chapter too!</p><p>Enjoy reading 💙</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first snowflakes were falling on Seoul. Wooyoung put his hands out of the pockets of his winter jacket and rubbed them together. He rang the bell, heard footsteps from outside and waited. The door opened showing Yunho on the threshold with his usual puppy smile. </p><p>Wooyoung returned the smile. He put a foot inside the flat and suddenly, he forgot everything. The only thing that was in his mind was his friends. That day, he was going to spend a whole night with them. They would make him laugh. They would make him forget about his worries. Just for a couple of hours, but it would still be that. </p><p>“Today, I am definitely going to rip Jongho’s head off,” Yunho started when they arrived in the living room “Last time, we were on <em> his </em> field, now we are on <em> mine </em>” </p><p>Wooyoung frowned.</p><p>“He just bought Just Dance and wants to show off”, Hongjoong rolled his eyes.</p><p>Yunho denied that fact which led to the giant and the tiny to bicker. Seonghwa and Wooyoung looked at them, laughing and making comments about their childish behaviour. Mingi was too focused on his phone, probably texting that <em> noona </em> again. San arrived in the living room, coming from the corridor. His face lit up when he saw Wooyoung. He approached him with a big smile but not the kind of smile Wooyoung liked. No, this time it was the pleading smile.</p><p>“Wooyoungie, I’m so glad to see you,” San said with a honey voice.</p><p>“No,”</p><p>“What? I didn’t ask anything!”</p><p>“I know that voice and that smile. Whatever you want, the answer is no,”</p><p>San pouted, like a baby. </p><p>“I just didn’t eat yet and wanted to know if you could make some <em> ramyeon </em>?” he asked, fluttering eyelashes, getting his face closer to Wooyoung’s.</p><p>“What am I? Your personal chef?” Wooyoung said in a teasing tone.</p><p>“My life would be easier if you were,”</p><p>“I’m hungry too, to be honest,” Seonghwa intervened. </p><p>Wooyoung sighed and gave in. He went to the kitchen, not noticing San and Seonghwa giving each other a high five. Now, he knew where everything was. Actually, Yunho and Mingi’s flat was their second house. He turned on the hotplates when Mingi arrived next to him. </p><p>Mingi dyed his hair again. His hair was light brown and it fit him well. He stayed there, looking at Wooyoung for a couple of seconds. </p><p>“Say something, you’re being awkward,” Wooyoung said, not looking at him.</p><p>Mingi stuttered, running his right hand on his hair. </p><p>“Sorry, uh… I wanted to thank you” </p><p>“Me? For what?”</p><p>“I followed your advice,” he first said before seeing Wooyoung’s confusion, “About the girl I… you know. I showed her that I understood what she told me, about commitment and everything. We still saw each other and she actually asked me out,”</p><p>“Wait… like on a date?” Wooyoung said, excited.</p><p>Mingi nodded, with a little smile.</p><p>“She told me she thought a lot about it and that she wanted to give me a chance. She also told me not to expect something, which I won’t. So, thank you.”</p><p>“Mingi-ah, don’t thank me. She’s giving you a chance because of who you are, not because of me. She’d dumb not to notice the perfect boyfriend that you’d be,”</p><p>“You really mean that?”</p><p>Wooyoung looked at Mingi. His friend was taller, stronger and looked older than him. But at that moment, he looked so vulnerable and so young. He always thought Mingi was the kind of guy who had confidence, like San. </p><p>“Of course I do. You’re nice, good-looking, funny, understanding and considerate. Every girl should be happy to have a boyfriend like you,”</p><p>Mingi lowered his head, slightly blushing. Wooyoung chuckled. It was fun to see him getting shy.</p><p>“Don’t tell the others I was nice to you, I have a reputation to keep,” Wooyoung added, pointing at him with a wooden spoon.</p><p>Mingi laughed, forgetting his shyness. Wooyoung laughed too.</p><p>“Sounds fun here,” San commented, entering the kitchen.</p><p>Their laughs died and they both looked at him. San got closer to Wooyoung, closer enough for the latter to smell his perfume. He looked over Wooyoung’s shoulder to see if the ramyeon were ready. Wooyoung’s heart was beating faster. But this time he understood why. He understood that his heart was beating faster because San was almost touching him. His heart was beating faster because he <em> liked </em> when San was <em> that </em> close to him. </p><p>But as always, it lasted for a few seconds. San went back, putting his hands in his pockets. He was wearing a red hoodie and a black tracksuit. He went to the fridge and took some cold water. The atmosphere was getting thicker. Wooyoung could see Mingi was getting uncomfortable.</p><p>“I’m almost done, you can take the plate and put them on the table,” Wooyoung broke the silence.</p><p>Mingi nodded and took the plates before going back to the living room with the others. They heard the bell and figured it’d be Jongho and Yeosang. San stayed there, watching Wooyoung finish.</p><p>“You really like watching me cooking don’t you?”</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t bother to look at him when he said that. </p><p>“I won’t deny it,”</p><p>
  <em> And you like to watch Areum cook too? </em>
</p><p>“What?” San asked.</p><p>Wooyoung froze. He didn’t say that out loud, did he? He looked at San. His hard traits told him otherwise. <em> Fuck</em>. He parted his lips.</p><p>“I, uh”</p><p>“Well, when we see each other we’re more in the bedroom than in the kitchen”, he said before leaving the kitchen.</p><p>Wooyoung bit his lower lip. <em> Well done Wooyoung</em>.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“I can’t believe that! How can you be <em> that </em> good and I’ve <em> never </em> known about it?” Yunho exclaimed when Wooyoung won for the fifth time.</p><p>Wooyoung always loved to dance. He didn’t have the opportunity (and the time) to dance now since he was in college but it helped him relax. It’d be a lie to say he didn’t focus on the game to forget about what happened in the kitchen earlier. He thought San was just taken aback and that he wasn’t angry but his neighbour didn’t even spare a glance at him. Not when he was dancing, not when he was complimenting him when he won, not when he laughed at Jongho and Mingi hitting each other doing a dance. Not once.</p><p>Wooyoung sat on the couch, breathing heavily. He put his head on Yeosang’s shoulder, who was on his phone. Wooyoung’s best friend opened his notes app and started writing.</p><p>Yeosang: Something happened, right?</p><p>Wooyoung frowned and looked at him. Yeosang tapped again.</p><p>Yeosang: You and San. The dude is literally ignoring you.</p><p>Wooyoung looked away, meeting San’s gaze who looked at the TV when he met Wooyong’s orbs.</p><p>Yeosang: You’re unbelievable. Both of you.</p><p>Wooyoung hit Yeosang’s shoulder, the latter letting a small cry go out of his lips. </p><p>“What’s your plans for the holidays?” Yunho asked.</p><p>His plans for the holidays. Wooyoung didn’t want to think about it. Everyone was going back to their hometown to spend at least Christmas with their family and this idea seemed to enjoy them. Especially San. For what he learnt, San was a family oriented person. He liked to spend time with his parents and grandparents, making a lot of memories. He often told him stories about his grandparents, he spent a lot of time with them, more than with his parents. He always complained about his sister but admitted that he missed her now that she was studying abroad.</p><p>“What about you Wooyoung? You’re going back to Ilsan or you’re staying here?” Jongho asked.</p><p>Wooyoung raised his eyes towards him.</p><p>“I’m going back but I won’t stay long. I’ll leave one or two days after Christmas,” he almost whispered.</p><p>Jongho nodded and offered to make the trip with him. Wooyoung agreed, going with Jongho would be less depressing. Yeosang was staying in Seoul now that his parents moved here. </p><p>“So everyone’s in Seoul for New Year’s Eve?” Seonghwa asked.</p><p>“Yunho and I don’t have any plans so we can hang out here,” Mingi said, putting his phone in his pocket. </p><p>Yunho was about to speak but Hongjoong raised his finger at him.</p><p>“No, no more games. I’m sick and tired of that”</p><p>Yunho pouted but tried to convince Hongjoong for twenty minutes. All that time, Wooyoung was glancing at San and looked away when the latter would notice. The boy didn’t notice that San, who was more discreet, was doing the same.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The cold wind smacked Wooyoung’s face. He put his hands in his pockets and his hood on his head. San was by his side, hands on his pockets and beanie on his head. Wooyoung looked at him, admiring his pretty features. San stopped in his tracks, making Wooyoung stop too.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” San spoke. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that, I” </p><p>“No, I’m the one who’s sorry,” Wooyoung cut him off. “Your relationship with Areum isn’t my business”</p><p>They looked at each other, a shy smile appearing on their lips. San was drowning in Wooyoung’s orbs. </p><p>“We should get going, it’s getting colder,” Wooyoung broke the silence.</p><p>San nodded and they started walking. There was a small distance between them. Wooyoung wanted to get closer and took San’s hand. He blushed at the idea and shook his head. <em> San has a girlfriend</em>.</p><p>“You know you can talk to me right?” San said.</p><p>Wooyoung was taken aback. He parted his lips but nothing came out.</p><p>“I can see something is bothering you. Not only tonight but for a few days,”</p><p>Wooyoung should have lied. He should have said that nothing was wrong, that he was just tired. But he didn’t want to lie to San. He felt like he should <em>always </em> be honest with him.</p><p>“Thanks, but I don’t like talking about… personal stuff” </p><p>“I know and I respect that. But don’t shut yourself. I hate seeing you like this”</p><p>He was worried about him. That thought made Wooyoung’s heart flutter. <em> You can tell him everything</em>, a little voice in his head convinced him. </p><p>“It’s nothing. It’s just… I don’t really like Christmas,” he first answered, “When I was a kid it was really fun, but now it’s just… weird”</p><p>San simply nodded. He didn’t want to force Wooyoung to tell him more than he wanted to. But he could see Wooyoung struggling to put words on his thoughts. He took Wooyoung’s wrist to make him stop. Wooyoung turned his head to San, knocking their eyes together. </p><p>“Hey, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I don’t want to force you or anything,”</p><p>“No, no, you’re not forcing me or anything. It’s just… complicated,”</p><p>San nodded again. He let Wooyoung’s wrist go to put his hand on his cheek.</p><p>“If you want to talk, about your complicated family or about the weather, I’ll be here. I just want to make sure you’re okay,”</p><p>“Thank you but please don’t worry, it’s really nothing,”</p><p>“Don’t suppress your emotions. They’re important. <em> You </em> are important,”</p><p>Wooyoung could feel his cheeks getting red. He was pretty sure San noticed, they were close enough for them to feel the other’s breathing. </p><p>A snowflake fell on his nose. San smiled. Wooyoung melted as fast as the snowflake when he saw San’s dimples. San brushed Wooyoung’s button nose.</p><p>“We should get going,” San said.</p><p>He started walking while Wooyoung was still frozen on his spot. It took him a few seconds to catch San. The neighbour left a cold feeling on Wooyoung’s wrist and cheeks, but he left a deep warmth in Wooyoung’s heart. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Feel free to share your thoughts about the chapter in the comment section, I'll be happy to read it!<br/>Also, if you have Twitter let's be oomfs! My Twitter account: @tinymat_</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. New Year's Eve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The whole squad celebrate the New Year’s Eve together :)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hiiii</p><p>I'm back :)<br/>I wanted to upload this chapter sooner but couldn't get the motivation to write. I'm motivated now and I want to write better and longer chapters. Hope you'll like it and that it was worth the wait!</p><p>Enjoy reading 💙</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was finally New Year’s Eve. </p><p>Wooyoung wanted to come back a day or two after Christmas but his mother thought otherwise. So, with a heavy heart, he stayed longer and came back to Seoul two days ago. </p><p>It’s not that Wooyoung hated his parents, on the contrary, he loved them with all his heart. He just hated his house, his neighbourhood and Ilsan. All of this was full of memories he wanted to forget. </p><p>Then, to forget everything, he went to bars and got drunk. He ended up sleeping with men that were nameless to him and ran away from their apartment before dawn. Each time he came back home in the morning, his mother would be in the living room with a cup of coffee. She would look at him, not saying anything, and take the stairs to join her husband in their bed. </p><p>Why wasn’t she screaming at him? Or at least saying a word? Because she was used to it and she didn’t want to fight. She preferred to stay silent and do nothing than to fight and lose her son. This was their sad routine when Wooyoung would spend time in Ilsan. When Yeosang and Jongho were there, he would simply hang out with them. Jongho tried to contact Wooyoung to spend time with him but Wooyoung declined all his offers. He didn’t want his friend to miss time with his family because of him.</p><p>Wooyoung finished buttoning his snake pattern shirt before tucking it in a pair of black slim jeans. While doing his hair with his hand, he brushed his right ear which made him let out a small pain noise. During his visit to Ilsan, Wooyoung got a piercing: the helix. He wanted to change something but couldn’t do another colouring. His mother was too relieved he had his natural hair again, she always said that he “looked like those kids who want to be idols” when he was blond. His hair was getting longer, reaching the top of his cheeks, his father told him he should cut it or he wouldn’t be able to see. He just smiled at that remark but didn’t do it. </p><p>He wondered if San would like his look or if he would even notice. When they were both in their respective hometowns, the two boys didn’t text much. Wooyoung sent a text to San for Christmas and got a response two days after. He wanted to call San because he missed their small time together. He stared at his screen for minutes, asking himself if he should do it or not. <em> But what are you going to tell him? “I just called you because I miss you”? </em> He shook his head and threw his phone on his bed. He didn’t call San and didn’t text him after that.</p><p>Wooyoung was walking towards Yunho and Mingi’s place, hands on his pockets and earphones on his ears. In that period of the year, he loved to listen to Spring Day. </p><p>
  <em> Like the tiny dust, tiny dust floating in the air </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Will I get to you a little faster </em>
</p><p>
  <em> If I was the snow in the air </em>
</p><p>Wooyoung rang the bell and waited for a minute. He put his earphones away and the door opened.</p><p>“Wah, Wooyoungie, you’re so handsome!” Seonghwa exclaimed with a bright smile.</p><p>Wooyoung smiled and felt his cheeks becoming pink. Seonghwa used to praise him a lot like a mother would praise her child. But he never got used to his hyung praising him about his looks. Wooyoung entered the flat and they went into the living room. Hongjoong and Yunho were talking on a side of the couch. On another side, Mingi was texting while San was resting on his friend’s lap. Wooyoung turned his head to the right to see if Yeosang and Jongho were in the kitchen, which they were. Yeosang was currently filming Jongho who was breaking apples. </p><p>“Why…” Wooyoung started.</p><p>“Don’t ask, I stopped asking myself if we were normal weeks ago,” Seonghwa cut him short.</p><p>Wooyoung chuckled and went to greet the others. Yunho hugged him saying he missed him. Hongjoong whacked him because he didn’t send or reply to any of his texts during the holidays. Mingi simply waved him.</p><p>“Wow Wooyoungie, you’re so hot with that new piercing,” Yeosang said approaching him.</p><p>San opened his eyes and sat up straight. Wooyoung was showing him his back and talking with Yeosang and Jongho. San couldn’t hear them, he was too focused on analysing Wooyoung’s back. <em> How can someone be so gorgeous from the back? </em> Wooyoung slightly turned his head behind and his eyes met San’s. Yeosang was right. Wooyoung was so hot with that new piercing. San smiled at him. Not with his usual shiny smile that showed his dimples, just a simple smile. Wooyoung smiled back at him and turned his eyes towards Jongho and Yeosang again. San got his breath back without knowing he had been out of breath. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>After eating chicken and playing video games, the group was sitting on or around the couch chatting. Wooyoung was sitting on the floor, at the left of the couch. Next to him, on the couch, was Yunho and Yeosang. Hongjoong was lying on the middle of the U-shaped couch, his head resting on Seonghwa’s lap, the latter playing with the now blue locks of the first. Mingi and Jongho were on the right side of the couch and San on the floor next to them and in front of Wooyoung. </p><p>Jongho opened a bottle of soju before handing it to Seonghwa who will pour the alcohol in the glasses. </p><p>“Do you have any resolutions for next year?” Seonghwa asked while handing a glass to Wooyoung.</p><p>“I didn’t think about it,” Yeosang admitted.</p><p>Wooyoung turned to his left to drink his glass without making eye contact with Seonghwa but he could feel San’s gaze on him. </p><p>“Well, we should think about it right now. If we say it out loud we’re kind of forced to stick to it or else someone will remind us what was our goals,” Seonghwa explained.</p><p>“That’s a great idea,” Hongjoong praised him while locking his eyes with Seonghwa’s.</p><p>Seonghwa thanked him but only Hongjoong could hear him. They didn’t break their eye contact and stayed like this for a minute. From where he was, Wooyoung could see glitters in Seonghwa’s eyes. They were, once again, in their own world like no one else was in the room.</p><p>“For God’s sake, can you two love each other in another room?” Yunho broke the silence.</p><p>“<em> Yah </em>, stop speaking nonsense,” Hongjoong exclaimed.</p><p>“Nonsense? You two were about to make out in front of us,” Yeosang added.</p><p>“And that’s on periodt,” Yunho stated.</p><p>Hongjoong sat up straight before Yunho ran away from the living room. The shorter was running behind the taller, both were screaming. Wooyoung, like the others, was watching at them and laughed heartily. He felt San’s gaze on him. He was looking at him, smiling fondly. Wooyoung couldn’t remember when was the last time San looked at him like this. Was it the first time they saw each other in this apartment? Or at that Halloween party? Did he look at him like this when they were under the snow two weeks ago? Wooyoung couldn’t remember it. But it didn’t matter because each time, it was like San was seeing him the first time and Wooyoung loved that feeling. </p><p>He knew San had a girlfriend. He knew he shouldn’t enjoy these <em> things </em> whatever they were. During that little time away, Wooyoung understood that he didn’t need San closer than he was right now. He just needed simple things like a look, a compliment, a smile, a laugh. Having more than that could be dangerous. For him but also for San as well.</p><p>“So, what are your resolutions?” Seonghwa insisted when Yunho and Hongjoong were back on the couch.</p><p>A silence followed. Wooyoung’s eyes went from the others to his empty glass. It was awkward to speak about their goals, dreams. Not because it meant to open up but because of this tiny voice saying “what if I fail?”. Wooyoung stopped dreaming a long time ago. He just lived without any purpose.</p><p>“I want to get an internship in a label. I want my work to be recognised by professionals and to work with them,” Hongjoong stated before drinking his glass.</p><p>“That’s… big,” San commented.</p><p>“I don’t dream small,” Hongjoong first said before looking at all of them “And you shouldn’t too,”</p><p>“I don’t have a proper goal but I want to outdo myself, be a better football player,” Jongho said.</p><p>Yunho added that he wanted to become a better dancer too, to explore things he was afraid to. Yeosang and Seonghwa shared the same goal, they wanted to pass their exams with good grades. One wanted to be a plastic surgeon and the other paediatrician. Mingi wanted to learn more about music, write more, produce more too and learn how to sing well. </p><p>“I want to go to France,” San spoke, “For a few weeks, an internship or studies, I don’t know. I just need to go there to be better”</p><p>They all nodded. Wooyoung didn’t look at them. His head was still down, his eyes on his empty glass. </p><p>“What about you Wooyoungie?” Seonghwa softly asked.</p><p>He raised his head, they were all looking at him. His heart was beating faster, his hands were sweating.</p><p>“I… I don’t have any goal,” he said avoiding their eyes, “I need to go to the bathroom,” he excused himself.</p><p>He went to the bathroom and put some cold water on his face. He looked at his reflection under the dim light. <em> Who the Hell am I? </em> he asked himself. No answer came to his mind. Tears were forming in his dark eyes. He couldn’t cry, not here, not right now. He heard a knock at the door.</p><p>“Wooyoung-ah,” San called him. “Are you okay?” </p><p>The water was still running. Wooyoung didn’t answer, he felt mute. Without him noticing, he moved forward the door. </p><p>“It’s okay if you don’t have any dreams. Don’t feel pressured about that.” San said, still on the other side of the door, “You know your resolution hasn’t to be something big. It could simply be… to be happier? I’d love to see a happier Wooyoung next year,”</p><p>Wooyoung simply stared at the door, a tear stroking his left cheek. </p><p>“We’re gonna watch a film. Come when you’re ready,” </p><p>He heard footsteps fade away. He waited for minutes before turning off the water. He did his hair and joined the boys in the living room. They decided to watch <em> X-Men: Days of Future Past </em>. Wooyoung sat between Yeosang and Jongho. San, who was next to Jongho, bent over to make eye contact with Wooyoung. They both looked at each other and shared a smile. Wooyoung mouthed a “thank you”, which made San smile more, letting Wooyoung see his dimples.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Where the fuck are Seonghwa-hyung and Hongjoong-hyung?” Yunho asked.</p><p>Wooyoung slowly opened his eyes. He looked at the screen, the film was still running, and at his friends. Yunho seemed to have fallen asleep too. His hair was a mess and his eyes small. Seonghwa, Hongjoong and San weren’t in the room. </p><p>“Hongjoong-hyung went to the bathroom, Seonghwa-hyung went after him because he didn’t come back after five minutes,” Jongho said, still watching the movie.</p><p>“Is San with them?” Yunho asked.</p><p>“No, he went on the balcony. He said it was too hot in here” Mingi said, texting.</p><p>“Are you saying that Seonghwa-hyung and Hongjoong-hyung are <em> alone </em> in a <em> room </em>?” Yunho shouted before running towards the bathroom. </p><p>Mingi, Yeosang and Jongho looked at each other and ran behind Yunho. Wooyoung stood up to go to the balcony. San was there, back at him, without a jacket. Wooyoung opened the door and went out. He was surprised because it wasn’t as cold as he thought it would be. </p><p>“Hey, what are you doing here alone?” Wooyoung asked.</p><p>San turned around, leaning on the balcony.</p><p>“Nothing, I just needed to think,”</p><p>Wooyoung simply nodded.  </p><p>“I was thinking about my resolutions. I should add another one to my list,”</p><p>“Oh, what’s that new resolution?” Wooyoung asked.</p><p>San moved forward and Wooyoung couldn’t move. Their faces were so close that Wooyoung could feel the warm breath of San on his face. </p><p>“You,” he declared.</p><p>Wooyoung couldn’t reply, he couldn’t even breathe correctly. He held his breath when San put his hand on his cheek. The contact sent an electric shock to Wooyoung’s body. What was happening?</p><p>“Will you allow me to kiss you, Wooyoung-ssi?” San whispered.</p><p>Wooyoung looked in his eyes full of lust and glitter. He then looked at his pinky lips. It would be a lie to say that Wooyoung didn’t ask himself what it would feel like to kiss San. Were his lips soft? What do they taste like? Something sweet as honey, like his personality? Something fresh as mint, cold as his first appearance?</p><p>“You have a girlfriend, San” Wooyoung whispered, looking in his eyes.</p><p>“What if I tell you that I broke up with her?” he replied, removing a stroke of hair on Wooyoung’s face.</p><p>Wooyoung’s heart started beating faster. He swore San could hear his heartbeat. He was out of words. </p><p>“I… I can’t,” he said letting go from his touch.</p><p>“You can’t but you want it, right?”</p><p><em> You don’t know how much I want it</em>. That’s what Wooyoung thought but couldn’t say. It was beyond him to tell San how much he wanted him, how much he wanted him to be his. But it was too hard for him. </p><p>“I’ll wait. I’ll wait for the moment when you’ll allow yourself to let go. I’ll wait for the moment when you’ll allow me to kiss you,” San said before kissing Wooyoung’s forehead and leaving the balcony.</p><p>Wooyoung stayed alone in the middle of the balcony. Yes, it wasn’t as cold as he thought it would be. It was colder.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. Your feedback (whether they're positive or negative) will help me become a better author.<br/>If you're looking for new moots, follow me on Twitter: @tinymat_ </p><p>See you soon 💙</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. What's wrong</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Wooyoung is ghosting everyone because he is a coward.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!</p><p>A new chapter in less than a week, you're lucky!<br/>Hope you'll enjoy it. I tried to make it longer, please tell me if you like it!<br/>Enjoy reading 💙</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was Friday morning. Or maybe it was Saturday morning.</p><p>Wooyoung took his phone and saw the date. It was actually Sunday morning. He had a lot of messages from everyone. They dated back to yesterday and the days before. He didn’t bother to read or answer. He sighed and locked his phone before throwing it on the blanket. </p><p>The boy stared at the Velux window that was above his bed. It was snowing. He smiled, looking at the snowflakes falling and melting on the glass. He wanted to go out and walk in the snow. He missed the sound of the snow crunch. He asked himself when was the last time he heard it. Then, he remembered when was the last time he walked under the snow and more importantly with <em> whom </em> he did. He heard San’s voice again. He could feel his touch again. His heartbeat was as fast as it was that time. He smelt his fruity scent like his blanket was filled with it.</p><p><em> Why does everything have to be about him? </em> Wooyoung asked himself before putting the blanket over him. Since New Year’s Eve, Wooyoung couldn’t stop thinking about San. He couldn’t stop thinking about him without feeling bad. San crossed a line and now everything was different. There was no turning back and Wooyoung felt so angry with San, and with himself, for that. </p><p>Why did he break up with Areum? Why did he say he wanted to kiss him? How can they be friends again? Were they even friends in the first place?</p><p>Wooyoung threw the sheets away and got up from his bed. He thought a shower would help him relax. He took a longer shower than usual. He let the warm water slip on his hair and naked body, without moving. He was still thinking about San. </p><p>What was worse is that a part of him <em> enjoyed </em> what happened. Wooyoung was confused and angry because he <em> enjoyed </em> it. He <em> enjoyed </em> knowing San was attracted by him. They weren’t dreams or fantasies anymore, they were reality. He <em> enjoyed </em> seeing lust in San’s eyes. He wished he had met San in another universe, where he would be free of his demons, where they could be whatever he was too scared to imagine. But it was only that. It was only a wish.  </p><p>Wooyoung turned off the water and left the shower, grabbing a towel. After putting the towel around his waist, he opened the door of the bathroom and heard something from the kitchen. Someone was clearly in the kitchen. He asked himself if he locked the door last time he came back but couldn’t remember. The black-haired boy looked around to see if there was any object he could use as a weapon. Since he was in his corridor, he had the choice between a shoe and an umbrella. He took the shoe in one hand, grabbing more firmly the towel on his waist on the other, and tiptoed to the kitchen. He waited a few seconds, back stuck against the wall and entered the kitchen, raising the shoe to hit the intruder. He met the eyes of the intruder and stopped his move, shoe in the air. </p><p>“Were you going to attack me with <em> this </em>?” Yeosang said haughtily before sipping his Coke.</p><p>“What the fuck Yeosang? You scared the shit out of me!” Wooyoung exclaimed, dropping the shoe on the kitchen floor, “How did you get in?”</p><p>“You gave me a key,” he answered, showing the bunch of keys.</p><p>“Yes, for emergencies.” </p><p>“I came for an emergency!”</p><p>“What emergency? You don’t have Coke at your place?” Wooyoung replied, arms crossed against his bare wet chest.</p><p>Yeosang rolled his eyes, sighing. He ran his hand in his light auburn hair. </p><p>“Put some clothes on. We need to talk,” he ordered while getting on the couch.</p><p>Wooyoung took some clothes and went to dress up in the bathroom. Yeosang took his jacket and shoes off and sent a text to his friends, saying it was at Wooyoung’s. The latter came back and sat on the messy bed.</p><p>“What did you want to talk about?” he asked.</p><p>“Well, you tell me,”</p><p>Wooyoung took the blanket and put it around him like a cape. </p><p>“What’s wrong?” Yeosang asked. </p><p>“Nothing. Why do you ask?”</p><p>Wooyoung shrugged and forced himself to look indifferent. He knew it was useless because he couldn’t lie to Yeosang.</p><p>“Okay, I’ll be more specific. What happened when we left you in the living room, on New Year’s Eve?”</p><p>Wooyoung parted his lips but nothing came out. He mumbled something incomprehensible and lied down on his bed, back facing Yeosang. </p><p>“I’m tired, can we speak later?” he lied like a coward.</p><p>Yeosang sighed and went sitting on the edge of the bed. Wooyoung closed his eyes. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to talk about it because he didn’t want to admit that what happened really happened. He didn’t want to admit it really happened because he didn’t want to be more scared of it. </p><p>“I know something happened and that it somehow freaked you out,” Yeosang said softly.</p><p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nothing happened,” he lied again but his voice was less convincing than it was a minute ago.</p><p>“You can fool everyone, even yourself if you want, but not me, Wooyoung,”</p><p>Yeosang spoke softly, like a mother who’s worried about her child. Wooyoung bit his bottom lip. He hated being an open book to Yeosang. Above all, he hated emotions.</p><p>“Fine. I don’t want to talk about it. Are you happy now?” he dared to look inside Yeosang’s eyes.</p><p>Yeosang saw his best friend starting to be angry. He could see the lighting in his eyes. He knew Wooyoung wasn’t angry with Yeosang being pushy. No, he was angry with himself for a reason Yeosang couldn’t explain now. </p><p>“I’ll be happier if you tell me what is bothering you for days. Bothering you enough to leave in the middle of the night, when you were partying with your friends. Bothering you enough to make you ghost us since,” </p><p>Wooyoung put his hands on his face. He took a deep breath. Yeosang could see how exhausted he was. He wondered if he has slept and eaten properly. </p><p>“He almost kissed me,” Wooyoung whispered.</p><p>“Who? San?” </p><p>Wooyoung sat up and put his hand on Yeosang mouth, afraid that San could hear their conversation through the wall.</p><p>“Are you insane?” he whispered-yelled, looking at Yeosang and at the wall behind them.</p><p>Yeosang rolled his eyes and took Wooyoung’s wrist. Wooyoung let go.</p><p>“Yes,” Wooyoung answered.</p><p>“I thought he had a girlfriend,” Yeosang whispered.</p><p>“He said he broke up with her,” </p><p>“Do you think he left her for you?” Yeosang asked, kind of surprised.</p><p>“I don’t know and I don’t care,”</p><p>“You don’t know but you care,”</p><p>Wooyoung rolled his eyes. Once again, he hated that Yeosang knew him so well.</p><p>“Why are you asking all of these questions if you already know the answers?” Wooyoung asked annoyed.</p><p>“Because you won’t answer these questions if I wasn’t the one asking.”</p><p>Wooyoung remained silent.</p><p>“Do you <em> like </em> him? Romantically I mean” Yeosang asked carefully.</p><p>Wooyoung took a deep sigh.</p><p>“I don’t <em> like </em> people. I only <em> sleep </em> with them,”</p><p>“But San isn’t people, is he?”</p><p>San wasn't people. Wooyoung was too scared to confirm it. He stayed silent and Yeosang understood he was right.</p><p>"Wooyoungie, it's okay to have feelings, to get attached to others, to even <em> love </em> them. Not all people are like,"</p><p>"Don't say that name. Please, don't say it." Wooyoung cut him off, pointing a finger at him.</p><p>Yeosang nodded slowly and whispered an excuse.</p><p>"You should allow yourself to feel," Yeosang added.</p><p>"I don't <em> want </em> to,"</p><p>"It's not about what you or your head want. It's about what your heart wants,"</p><p>Wooyoung lowered his head. He knew what Yeosang would say after. He knew that he couldn’t suppress his emotions or feelings any longer. One day, it will hit and consume him. He knew it. Tears started to form in his eyes and fall on his cheeks. </p><p><em> About what my heart wants? </em> </p><p>"I'm scared, Yeosang. I'm too…" his voice broke.</p><p>He started sobbing. He couldn't stop or control it. Yeosang took him in his arms. He hugged him tightly.</p><p>"It's okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." he reassured him, patting his hair.</p><p>Wooyoung kept crying. They stayed like this until his eyes were dry, like when they were kids.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>They have been back to school for almost a week. It was Thursday night and San tried to study but couldn't focus. Every minute, he looked at his phone to see if Wooyoung answered one of his texts. And each time he sighed, seeing that he didn't get any answer. He started typing another one but erase it. It was pointless to send another text, the boy next door wouldn’t reply. San read his texts again.</p><p><strong>San</strong>: When did you leave? I thought we were coming back home together. - 1st January 04:05 AM</p><p><strong>San</strong>: Did you come home safely? - 1st January 5:33 AM</p><p><strong>San</strong>: Is everything alright? Yeosang told us you didn't feel well. - 1st January 02:34 PM</p><p><strong>San</strong>: Please answer me. I'm worried. - 2nd January 11:28 AM</p><p>“<em>If you push her, she’ll be scared and run away.” </em></p><p>San remembered when they were at Mingi and Yunho’s place. Wooyoung advised Mingi on his relationship. San understood Wooyoung was speaking by experience. He understood that Wooyoung used to feel pushed and that commitment scared him. Yes, San understood all of that and he still managed to fuck up. He has been selfish. He deserved the silence treatment that Wooyoung was giving him. </p><p>San jumped from his chair when he heard a wild noise from next door. He stared at the white wall that was between his and Wooyoung’s flat. He thought that Wooyoung simply dropped something, that it was an accident. But another noise echoed, and another one after. Wooyoung was breaking everything in his flat. </p><p>San grabbed his keys and the keys Yeosang gave to him a few days ago. He thanked Yeosang for having thought San would need it. San left his flat and knocked at Wooyoung’s door, begging him to open it. He heard nothing. It was like no one was in the apartment. San waited a minute and decided to go in. He rushed into the living room but froze on the threshold of the room.</p><p>Wooyoung was sat on the floor, between the couch and the coffee table. The said coffee table was turned over. Books and papers were all over the parquet. Wooyoung’s phone was near them and the screen was cracked.</p><p>San slowly approached him, sitting on one of his sides. He tried to make an eye-contact with him but Wooyoung kept his head low. San parted his lips to speak but Wooyoung cut him off.</p><p>“How did you get in?”</p><p>San gulped. As expected, Wooyoung was cold. </p><p>“Yeosang gave me the spare keys you gave him,”</p><p>Wooyoung chuckled nervously but didn’t raise his head. He still looked at his hands. San looked at him, desperate. He didn’t know what to do. He was scared Wooyoung would get angry and push him away. </p><p>“He shouldn’t have done that,” he answered before raising his head to meet San’s eyes “I don’t want <em> you </em> to have the keys of my apartment,”</p><p>“I’ll give them back to you if you tell me what’s wrong,”</p><p>Wooyoung turned his head to avoid San’s eyes. </p><p>“This”, San started pointing at the mess on the living room “doesn’t look like you,”</p><p>“Don’t pretend you know me,” Wooyoung spat looking at San again.</p><p>“So, you’re saying that you’re the type of person who comes home and destroys everything without a reason?”</p><p>“Maybe,” he first said, “You still want to kiss me now?”</p><p>He didn’t break his eye contact with San. The latter was taken aback. Wooyoung knew it when he saw San’s jaw clench. </p><p>“What I want is to know what’s wrong,” San replied.</p><p>Wooyoung avoided his gaze again. San stared at him for minutes. None of them talked. The only thing they could hear was their breathing and heart beating. San was close enough to smell Wooyoung’s white musk scent but he felt so far away. The current distance between them was bigger than when they were both in their hometowns. </p><p>“There’s nothing wrong I’m just tired. Tired of this fucking classes. Tired of this fucking teachers. Tired because I spent too much time on those fucking projects. Tired of feeling so dumb, confused, stupid, lost” Wooyoung snapped.</p><p>Wooyoung felt his heart beating faster. He thought his heart was going to run away from his rib cage. He started to breathe irregularly, there was no oxygen left in the room. His hands were sweaty. He couldn't hear anything like he was underwater. He thought he was going to faint, that his soul was leaving his body for a minute to rest. </p><p>Then, he felt something cold on his cheeks. San reached to him, cupping his head with his hands. </p><p>"Wooyoung," he first called "Just look at me and only me,"</p><p>Wooyoung stared at San's beautiful dark brown eyes. </p><p>"You're having a panic attack but don't worry. Everything is okay, whatever you're thinking, everything is going to be alright,"</p><p>Wooyoung tried to stabilise his breathing but he couldn't. His sight was getting blurry, tears forming in the corner of his eyes. He saw San's silhouette leaving and heard noises in the kitchen. </p><p>"Try to breathe in that", he ordered, handing him a plastic bag.</p><p>Wooyoung took the plastic bag and tried to breathe in it. It was weird but his breathing was getting more regular. His heart beating was calming down. He looked at San, panting. The latter went in the kitchen to pour fresh water in a glass and handed it to Wooyoung.</p><p>“Thank you”, Wooyoung whispered before drinking.</p><p>“Do you feel better now?” </p><p>San started to clean up the mess Wooyoung made. He looked at Wooyoung who nodded. Even with those tired eyes, San still found Wooyoung handsome. He went to open the window, thinking Wooyoung would appreciate some fresh air. Wooyoung’s belly rumbled which made both of them chuckle. San went to his flat to take his phone and ordered something to eat. He wasn’t going to cook, thinking his food would be awful and he refused to let Wooyoung cook, he needed to rest. </p><p>They waited in silence, both of them lost in their thoughts. For the first time, it was awkward. Wooyoung felt awful to have let out all his anger on San. San didn’t know what to say. His thoughts were getting mixed up.</p><p>The delivery man arrived and San offered them the meal, even if Wooyoung protested. The younger smiled when he saw <em> japchae </em> (sweet potatoes starch noodles) in the bag. That smile made San’s heart flutter. </p><p>They ate in silence, sometimes glancing at each other and sharing embarrassing smiles. San cleared the room and closed the window. He stood up a few seconds, not knowing what to do, and put the keys on the coffee table.</p><p>“You don’t have to tell me why you were so angry,” he said before reaching the door of the room.</p><p>“I’m sorry,”</p><p>San stopped. He didn’t reach the door handle but didn’t turn around either.</p><p>“I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that,” Wooyoung apologised.</p><p>San turned around and met Wooyoung’s eyes. He was sat on the couch, legs against his chest and chin on his knees. He looked small and fragile.</p><p>“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry about what happened on New Year’s Eve. I don’t think it’s the right moment to talk about it but I needed you to know that I’m sorry,” San spoke.</p><p>Wooyoung slowly nodded. </p><p>“If I tell you why I was angry, could you promise me you won’t laugh?” Wooyoung asked.</p><p>San approached him, kneeling on the floor in front of Wooyoung.</p><p>“Why would I laugh? I was serious when I told you that your emotions were important. I hope nobody made you feel like they didn’t.”</p><p>“Nobody did, it’s just… really stupid when I think about it,”</p><p>Wooyoung ran his hand on his hair. San was still staring at him, analysing each of his movements.</p><p>“I was angry because of my marks. I just spent too many hours working and…”</p><p>“And you feel like your marks weren’t representative of your hard work?”</p><p>Wooyoung nodded. San wanted to take him in his arms but figured it wouldn’t be a great idea.</p><p>“Don’t let numbers speak for your work. I’m sure you’re doing amazing things. I know how much of a hard worker you are, I hear you working late at night. The marks you get right now aren’t representative of it but in the real world, nobody will care if you got an A or a D in your third year. Keep working, keep enjoying it. One day, it will be worth it.”</p><p>A small tear left Wooyoung’s right eyes. San didn’t think before wiping it with his thumb. He realised what he was doing too late and froze. His hand was still on Wooyoung’s face. They were both looking at each other, none of them was breathing. San’s eyes went from Wooyoung’s eyes to his lips. He closed his eyes, he couldn’t kiss him. When he opened them again, he didn’t meet Wooyoung’s eyes. He was surprised to catch Wooyoung staring at his lips.</p><p>
  <em> Did he want to kiss me too? </em>
</p><p>San’s phone rang. Both jumped, startled by the noise. San let go of Wooyoung’s face and took his phone: it was Mingi. San answered and Mingi almost broke his eardrums. His friend was excited because his girlfriend was throwing a party and they were all invited. San smiled, he loved to see his friends happy. He told him he would come and Mingi told him he would call the others. San told him he was with Wooyoung which surprised his friend.</p><p>“Is he okay? He hasn’t answered any of our texts, even Seonghwa-hyung’s.” Wooyoung could hear.</p><p>He was such an ass. He lowered his head, ashamed of his attitude. San didn’t answer right away, he stared at Wooyoung for a few seconds.</p><p>“He is now. He had a tough week. I’ll bring him, count on me,” San assured.</p><p>San guessed Mingi was smiling from the way he was speaking. San finally hung up and stared at Wooyoung.</p><p>“So, I guess I don’t have a choice,” Wooyoung said.</p><p>“No, not really. You’ll come with me to that party and no more ghosting,”</p><p>Wooyoung nodded.</p><p>“We missed our friend,” San added.</p><p>“I won’t be a stranger anymore, I promise,”</p><p>
  <em> I missed you, too. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. Your feedback (whether they're positive or negative) will help me become a better author.<br/>If you're looking for new moots, follow me on Twitter: @tinymat_</p><p>See you soon 💙</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. For How Long</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Wooyoung is ready to have fun with his friends tonight, catching up the time he missed. However, he didn’t plan to see a ghost from his past.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!</p><p>I'm back with a new chapter!<br/>I tried my best and I hope you'll like it :)<br/>❗️I also added new tags that are some warnings, please go check them before reading the chapter.</p><p>Enjoy reading! 💙</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The week felt like a whole month to Wooyoung. The classes passed slower than the previous semester. He almost fell asleep in his Virtual Reality class, making one of classmate smile cutely.</p><p>On Wednesday, he met Hongjoong and Mingi at Starbucks to plan the filming of their project. In a few weeks, they would meet some students of the Acting section. The university would lend them the items they needed to film but they had to find where to film. That’s why they met that day, to decide where to film. Of course, Wooyoung didn’t escape from Hongjoong’s lecture about him ghosting them. The older man insisted on how much Seonghwa was worried, which seemed to be more important than Wooyoung’s mental state. </p><p>“We get it, you need space when you’re feeling down. But that’s not healthy, neither for you or us. You don’t have to open up if you don’t want to. But at least, warn us, like send a text saying you need some time for yourself. What if something happened to you? How could we know?” he told him off.</p><p>Wooyoung nodded and apologised, even though they both knew it was too late. Hongjoong hit him on the forehead, making Wooyoung scream by surprise rather than by hurt.</p><p>“Don’t make my boyfriend worried, I don’t like to see him thinking about other boys”, he joked.</p><p>"<em>Boyfriend</em>?” Wooyoung echoed, rubbing his red forehead with wide eyes.</p><p>“Yeah, you missed some tea,” Mingi commented with a smirk.</p><p>Wooyoung put his elbows on the table, chin resting on his hands, and asked Mingi what he missed. Mingi started to tell him what happened in the room on New Year’s Eve and Hongjoong tried to shut him up. Wooyoung laughed, he missed that dynamic. And for the curious ones, Hongjoong and Seonghwa <em> did </em> make out in that room on New Year’s Eve. And yes, Hongjoong confessed because Seonghwa was too oblivious to notice they were both having a crush on each other.</p><p>Nothing happened on Thursday or Friday. San didn’t text him all week. He waited Friday, around 8 PM to do so, to know if they could walk together to meet the guys. Wooyoung finished doing his hair, that he finally cut this week, before looking at himself in the mirror. He wore a white shirt under a black Nike sweater, a pair of black jeans slim and black derbies with yellow stitches. Since his hair was shorter, his piercings were more visible. He decided to put a thin line of black eyeliner too. He smiled, satisfied with his looks. </p><p>His phone rang. </p><p><strong>San</strong>: I'm waiting downstairs.</p><p>Wooyoung grabbed his dark grey jean jacket and went outside. When he arrived in the hall, he took a minute to observe San behind the glass door. His neighbour wore a trench black coat, a white shirt over a black turtleneck, black trousers and white derbies with black stitches. What caught Wooyoung’s attention was how he styled his hair. He slicked it, freeing his forehead, and tucked the long strands behind his ear. San was from side-on, looking at the horizon. He was ethereal. His beauty was hitting differently now. </p><p><em> Do you like him? </em> Yeosang’s voice echoed in his mind.</p><p>San turned his head and saw Wooyoung looking at him. The boy next door smiled at Wooyoung who opened the door and joined him. </p><p>“Sorry, I hope you didn’t wait too long, it’s cold,” Wooyoung apologised.</p><p>“No, don’t worry,” San assured him with another smile.</p><p>They started walking towards the underground station and Wooyoung didn’t know how to engage in the conversation. San asked him if Yeosang, Seonghwa and Jongho were coming tonight, which the boy answered by shaking his head from left to right. Yeosang and Seonghwa had an exam on Monday and needed to study and rest. Jongho had training early the next day and didn’t want to stay only an hour so he declined. </p><p>“And how are you feeling? About work and stuff,” San asked when they entered the underground.</p><p>“The week was long but I feel better,” he answered “Thank you,”</p><p>“You’re welcome,” San said with another smile.</p><p>Wooyoung smiled at him and San swore it was one of his favourite sights.</p><p>“What about you? We’re always speaking about me, but never about you,” Wooyoung inquired carefully, scared of being rejected.</p><p>“There’s nothing to say. I’m good, really” San assured, “But thanks.”</p><p><em> What happened with Areum? </em> Wooyoung wanted to ask but he bit his lip. </p><p>“You would tell me if something was wrong, right?” Wooyoung asked.</p><p>“Of course. I won’t hide anything from you,”</p><p>They exchanged a small smile and San noticed it was their stop. They left the underground and met Mingi, Hongjoong and Yunho outside of the station.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>On their way, Mingi explained to them that his girlfriend was near the end of her studies to be an architect. She was three years older than them, and two years older than Hongjoong and Seonghwa. She lived alone in Seoul, her parents paid half of her rent and she was paying the other with her internship salary. Wooyoung didn’t understand why Mingi was saying all of this but when they started walking in a district where there were only big houses, he understood it was to warn them. </p><p>They stopped in front of a house that was the perfect mix of a modern and a traditional Korean house. A girl opened the door but she wasn’t Mingi’s girlfriend. She told Mingi that his girlfriend went to the grocery buying more drinks and snacks. </p><p>The group went to the kitchen where Wooyoung and Yunho started to eat like they have been on a diet for years. Yunho explained he danced all day and didn’t have the time to eat. To what Hongjoong hit him on the shoulder, scolding him. Wooyoung guessed it wasn’t the first time Yunho was skipping meals and began to worry about his friend’s health. </p><p>“You’re eating like a kid,” San laughed at Wooyoung.</p><p>San wiped some sauce in the corner of Wooyoung’s lips with his finger. Wooyoung was puzzled by his sudden proximity. He felt his cheeks getting hotter and his friends’ gaze on them. He panicked and dropped the stick which he used to take some <em> tteokbokki </em> . Before falling on the ground, the piece of <em> tteokbokki </em> stained Wooyoung’s sweatshirt. He cleaned the floor, embarrassed with his cheeks on fire, and went to the bathroom to clean his sweatshirt before it became a bigger stain. When Wooyoung saw his reflection in the mirror, he saw how flushed his face was. He sighed, ashamed of his high schooler attitude. San only touched him, why was he reacting this way? He wouldn’t have reacted like this if Yunho, Hongjoong or Mingi touched him. </p><p>He left the bathroom, eyes fixed on his sweatshirt. He wasn’t focused on what was in front of him and almost bumped into someone. He apologised and raised his head to meet the other person’s eyes. He wished he didn’t. His heart clenched. His face became pale like a ghost. Like the ghost of his past, that was standing in front of him.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The other boys were still in the kitchen. Mingi looked around to see if his girlfriend came back. He frowned and walked away from the group. San saw a girl, almost his height, who seemed upset. Mingi lowered a little, their faces were close. They all understood she was his girlfriend but they stayed back.</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me you were friends with Jung Wooyoung?” she almost screamed, tears forming in his eyes.</p><p>“You know Wooyoung? Where is he?” Mingi asked confused while looking around.</p><p>“He...He’s the one I talked to you about,” she whispered.</p><p>Mingi froze and looked behind him before asking again where Wooyoung was. A tear fell on her cheek. </p><p>“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” she kept repeating crying.</p><p>“Umji-noona,” </p><p>“I… I think he left,” </p><p>San approached them. </p><p>“What do you mean he left?” </p><p>She kept crying and Mingi put himself between her and San. He asked San to stay away and to let her breathe. San looked at him and at Hongjoong and Yunho who stayed behind. </p><p>“We...We bumped into each other… I couldn’t say anything… He just ran away,” she cried.</p><p>“I’ll find him,” San stated before leaving the house. </p><p>He heard Hongjoong shouting to him to stay but he played deaf. He took his phone and tried to call Wooyoung once, twice, three times. San ran his right hand through his hair, frustrated. He didn’t know Wooyoung enough to know where he could be right now but he figured he wouldn’t come home. Wooyoung was too unpredictable to just come home when he was upset. San thought he could be at Yeosang’s so he called him. The med student didn’t answer the first time. San grumbled and tried again. He walked in circles in front of the house, begging Yeosang to answer. The boy answered almost right away.</p><p>“I hope it’s important,” he answered, already annoyed.</p><p>“It’s about Wooyoung,” San first said to catch the boy’s attention “He just ran away, I don’t know where he is. Is he with you?”</p><p>“What? What the hell did you do this time?” Yeosang spoke, San could feel he started to be angry even if Yeosang’s tone was still the same.</p><p>“I did nothing!” San shouted, not asking what he was meaning by ‘this time’, “We were at Mingi’s girlfriend house, her name’s Umji and-”</p><p>“Did you just say Umji? Seo Umji?” he cut him off.</p><p>“I don’t know her last name but she seems to know Wooyoung. They saw each other and he ran away,” </p><p>Yeosang distanced himself from his phone and muttered something San couldn’t understand. He heard him sigh.</p><p>“I know where he might be. I’ll send you the address,”</p><p>San nodded, forgetting Yeosang couldn’t see him.</p><p>“San-ssi,” Yeosang called him, “I don’t think I’m the right person to comfort Wooyoung right now.”</p><p>“What do you mean? You’re his best friend,”</p><p>“Yes, I am. But this time, it’s not his best friend that he needs.”</p><p>San stayed silent, he didn’t understand what Yeosang was saying.</p><p>“He will need you. So, don’t mess up,”</p><p>San didn’t have time to say something back that Yeosang ended the call. San’s phone rang a few seconds later. Yeosang just sent him an address and San started running.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>San stopped when he reached his destination. He took a break to catch his breath and pushed the railings to enter the football ground. He looked around and saw Wooyoung sat on a seat. His gaze was focused on the empty ground. San walked towards him.</p><p>“Thank God you’re here,”</p><p>“You called Yeosang I suppose,” Wooyoung said with a voice San didn’t recognise as his, it was like Wooyoung didn’t have a soul. His eyes were still fixed on the ground.  </p><p>“Yes, I thought you were at his place but he told me you should be here,” San answered, sitting next to Wooyoung.</p><p>Wooyoung slowly nodded. San observed him. He didn’t seem to have cried. He looked like an ice statue. He was an empty shell.</p><p>“Who’s that girl, Wooyoung? What happened between you two? Why do you both seem so broken?” San asked, scared. </p><p>Against all expectations, Wooyoung didn’t fight. He answered mechanically.</p><p>“She is my brother’s first love,”</p><p>“Your brother? Wait… I thought you were an only child,”</p><p>“He’s dead,” he threw like a simple fact.</p><p>San parted his lips, no sound could leave his mouth. He wanted to ask what happened to his brother but didn’t have the guts to.</p><p>“I found him in his bedroom. He overdosed,” Wooyoung explained.</p><p>San’s heart clenched. His mouth went dry. </p><p>“How… How old were you?” he dared to ask, scared of the answer.</p><p>“Fourteen”</p><p>A tear fell on San’s cheek. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t imagine Wooyoung, a young and innocent Wooyoung of fourteen years old finding the dead body of his brother. But that was true. Wooyoung came to his brother’s room. He found him on the bed, head on the blanket. He shook him, told him that it wasn’t the moment to sleep. But he didn’t move or say anything. Wooyoung shook him harder. Still no reaction. He screamed his name. <em> Sanghoon. Sanghoon, wake up</em>. It was too late.</p><p>“He was a football player. He was one of the best if not the best of our generation. He was supportive, kind, funny and smart. Everyone loved him in Ilsan. He was coaching younger players, it’s thanks to him that I met Jongho. Sanghoon-hyung was his coach back then,” he explained, still looking at the artificial grass.</p><p>San only nodded, eyes locked on Wooyoung. There was pride in his eyes, even after all these years. The sparkles left to let his eyes get dark.</p><p>“Then, he started to be cocky. He met people that… that don't want the best for you. He started doing drugs. In the beginning, it was just weed but one day he tried heroin and cocaine.” he sighed “He skipped classes, even training. He took more drugs. Then, he got fired from the football team. So, he took even more drugs. It was a vicious circle. My parents and Umji, who was still his girlfriend, wanted to send him to rehab. But he refused to go, he said he would stop by himself. But he didn't. It’s the drug that stopped him actually,” </p><p>“I’m really sorry to hear that. You and your parents didn’t deserve that,”</p><p>“It’s okay. It was almost ten years ago,”</p><p>San didn’t reply even if he thought that it wasn’t okay. Even if it happened almost ten years ago, the loss of someone you loved, a little or with the bottom of your heart, was still a scar you’ll live with all your life. He had the chance to never experience it. He figured it was easier with time, but time couldn’t make it okay. He was sure about it.</p><p>“What happened with Umji-ssi?” San dared to ask.</p><p>Wooyoung sighed again. From Wooyoung’s gaze, San guessed it was more painful to speak about her than about his late brother. </p><p>“Umji was my brother's first and only love. She was part of the family too. I considered her as my big sister. When my brother died, I expected her to leave us, that it would be too hard for her… But she stayed. She stayed for weeks, she stayed with me until I could sleep, she helped me calm down. She was amazing honestly. I always told her she didn’t have to do this, that she needed time as well but she refused to leave me because what she was doing was ‘what big sisters are supposed to do’.”</p><p>Wooyoung chuckled, nervously. He remembered she patted his hair saying that. She had that shiny smile that made a foggy day brighter. </p><p>“She always told me that I was her little brother. That nothing could ever tear us apart.”</p><p>Wooyoung loved her with all his heart, San understood that by his voice. He could also hear how heartbroken he was. He was heartbroken to speak about using the past. Because deep down, he still loved her as he did since day one. </p><p>“But one day she stopped. She stopped coming, she stopped answering my calls or my texts. I was worried. I lost my brother, I didn’t want to lose her too. I was so scared she decided to meet him, like Romeo and Juliet,” he first said, “So I came to her parents’ house. It rained that day and I didn’t bring an umbrella. I still did all the walking from my middle school to her house.”</p><p>A tear fell on his left cheek. Wooyoung wiped it quickly, hoping San didn’t see it.</p><p>“She opened the door and I saw her face fall. She didn’t seem sick or upset but she was surprised and disappointed. I asked her why she was ignoring me, that I was worried.”</p><p> He felt cold, like that day when she left him under the rain completely soaked.</p><p>“She told me she changed her phone number. I grabbed my phone and handed it to her so she could put her new phone number on it,” </p><p>Wooyoung marked a pause. He remembered how the minutes were long. He remembered how she glared at him and at his phone but didn’t move for an inch.  </p><p>“She just said two things before closing the door,” he said before meeting San’s eyes for the first time since he arrived, “She said that people come in and out of your life. She came into my life and that day she decided to come out of it.”</p><p>Wooyoung has never been scared of commitment or love. Wooyoung was scared of people. He was scared of being hurt. He was scared of being abandoned. Because he knew what it felt like. </p><p>“You have us now,” San assured as if it would blow away Wooyoung’s fear.</p><p>“But for how long?” he snapped, “For how long are you going to be there? For months? Maybe for a year?” he asked desperately before breaking in tears, fear in his eyes, “You will leave. You said it too.”</p><p>“What did I say?” San frowned.</p><p>“People come in and out of your life. If you accept that in the first place, you won’t suffer from anyone that leaves you,” Wooyoung quoted.</p><p>San bit his lower lip. He remembered saying that when he was at Wooyoung’s one night. It was innocent to him, but now he understood why Wooyoung was acting like that with him.  </p><p>“What makes me different from those people?” Wooyoung asked.</p><p>“Unlike those people, I never accepted the fact that you might come out of my life one day. In fact, I’m always scared that you will run away from me,”</p><p>“Why would I?”</p><p>Wooyoung never made the choice of leaving people’s lives. He always refused to be the one who will break their hearts. He preferred to stay back, not to get attached. And if he did get attached, he promised himself to stay no matter what.</p><p>“Why would you stay?”</p><p>They stared at each other, silent tears falling on Wooyoung’s cheeks. San rubbed Wooyoung’s cheeks with his thumbs and cupped his beautiful face.</p><p>“I’ll stay as long as you would want me. I know that those words mean nothing to you right now but I’ll do anything to prove you I’m sincere,”</p><p>Wooyoung’s head fell on San’s shoulder. The younger one started sobbing. San stroked his hair with one hand and wrapped him in his arms, to keep Wooyoung close against his chest. Deep down, Wooyoung knew San was sincere but he couldn’t believe him. His fear was too strong.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>They came back to Wooyoung’s place. Wooyoung took a shower and San took the advantage of being alone in the room to send a text to their friends. They were all relieved San found him and that he wasn’t alone. Wooyoung came back from the bathroom wearing a grey tracksuit and the t-shirt San gave him for his birthday. San couldn’t help but smile when he saw that. He lied to Wooyoung when he gave it to him. He actually spent a whole afternoon looking for the perfect gift for him. He was so glad when he found that t-shirt. He was more glad to see him wearing it. </p><p>Wooyoung didn’t understand what San was looking at and lowered his head. He blushed when he realised that he was wearing <em> that </em> t-shirt. San noticed his embarrassment and found him cuter.</p><p>“Are you okay? Do you want me to order something?” San asked.</p><p>“I’m feeling better but I just want to sleep right now. Thanks,” he answered walking towards the bed where San was sitting.</p><p>“Okay, I’ll leave you then,”</p><p>San stood up and walked towards the door of the living room but stopped when he felt Wooyoung’s warm hand on his wrist. They looked at each other, Wooyoung kind of embarrassed about what he was going to say.</p><p>“Stay with me,” Wooyoung whispered like his demand was a secret, “Don’t leave me, please”</p><p>His eyes were sparkling, becoming filled by small tears that were threatening to shed. </p><p>“I’m not going anywhere,” </p><p>Wooyoung looked at San for a few seconds and let go of his wrist. He grabbed some clothes and a boxer that he handed to San, telling him he could take a shower if he wanted to. San thanked him and headed to the bathroom. </p><p>Wooyoung went into the bed and grabbed his phone. He saw a lot of messages and missed calls. The last one was from Yeosang.</p><p><strong>Yeosang</strong>: I'm not worried, I think you're in good hands.</p><p>A small smile appeared on Wooyoung’s lips. He simply thanked him. He thought about calling him tomorrow but remembered his best friend had an exam on Monday. He told himself he would call him when it wouldn’t bother Yeosang. </p><p>San came back a few minutes later and Wooyoung put his phone on the nightstand. He squeezed himself against the wall to let San come into the bed. Wooyoung switched off the light, the only source of lighting was the moon. They were facing each other, both laying down on their side. </p><p>“I think it’s the first time I’ll sleep with someone else. Well, if you don’t count Yeosang,” </p><p>“Does that mean I’m a privileged person? Did I save a whole country in my previous life to have that honour?” San joked.</p><p>Wooyoung laughed and San smiled, delighted;</p><p>“I love your laugh,” San stated, brushing a strand of Wooyoung’s hair.</p><p>Wooyoung stared at him. He asked himself if San still wanted to kiss him. </p><p>“We should talk about what happened on New Year’s Eve,” Wooyoung said softly when San’s hand stroked Wooyoung’s cheek.</p><p>“Tomorrow. We will talk about it tomorrow. Now, get some sleep,”</p><p>“You’ll be there when I’ll wake up tomorrow, right?”</p><p>“I’m not going anywhere,” he repeated.</p><p>San took Wooyoung’s hand and intertwined their fingers together.</p><p>“I don’t want to go anywhere else,” he added.</p><p>Wooyoung slowly nodded. He was sharing his bed with San, a boy he hardly knew, a boy he couldn’t understand what he was feeling about. But, it didn’t seem odd. Wooyoung felt like he was at the right place, at the right moment with the right person.</p><p>“Goodnight Wooyoung,”</p><p>“Goodnight San,”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Soooooo, what do you think about Wooyoung's backstory? Hope it didn't disappoint you.<br/>Please give me your feedback on the comments section!</p><p>You can follow me on Twitter at @tinymat_ </p><p>See you soon 💙</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. The Truth Untold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>There is a lot of stuff to be said...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!</p><p>I'm back again with another chapter. To be honest, I don't know if I like it or not...<br/>I hope you'll like it. Enjoy reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wooyoung’s heart was beating fast as he abruptly opened his eyes. He tried to catch his breath and to process what he saw in his dream. His thoughts were mixing up, he couldn’t really remember what happened. But he couldn’t forget the faces he saw. Sanghoon, Umji, his parents, Yeosang, Jongho and even San. </p><p>Wooyoung felt something around his waist, the blanket protecting his body from it. He lowered his gaze and noticed an arm. The boy frowned, not understanding who it could be. A one night stand wouldn’t still be here, the sun was already up in the sky. Panic took over Wooyoung’s body when he recalled last night's events. </p><p>He saw Umji last night. Umji was Mingi’s girlfriend. He ran away when he saw her and San looked for him. His neighbour found him, listened to him, comforted him. When Wooyoung asked him, ashamed, to stay with him last night, he didn’t even hesitate. <em> I’m not going anywhere </em> , he said to reassure Wooyoung. <em> I don’t want to go anywhere </em>, he added as if the right place to be was here. </p><p>The boy slowly turned around to confirm his thoughts, to be sure it wasn’t a dream. San was by his side. Even if San’s arm was around his waist, his neighbour’s body was at a fair distance from him. San looked so peaceful when he was asleep. His right cheek was pressed on the pillow and his hair was falling on his closed eyes. Wooyoung could hear his regular breathing, letting him know San was sleeping well. He couldn’t help but smile. Unconsciously, Wooyoung stroked San’s hair. It was softer than he imagined.</p><p>He looked at him a few seconds before coming back to reality. He got up, carefully not to wake San up, took some clothes on his way and went to the bathroom. Wooyoung looked at his reflection and sighed. He didn’t know if it was a bad idea or not but he knew he had to do it one day. He washed his face, brushed his teeth, put his clothes on and did his hair. He went back to the living room, San was still sleeping, back facing him. Wooyoung grabbed a pen and a post-it. He bit his lower lip, he didn’t know what to write. But he didn’t want to leave and to worry San.</p><p><em> Please, don’t worry </em> .  </p><p>He stuck the post-it on San’s phone and left the flat. He felt bad. Last night, he asked San if he would be there when Wooyoung would wake up. To which San answered that he didn’t want to be anywhere else. But Wooyoung left before San opened his eyes. <em> Jung Wooyoung, you’re a dickhead </em>. </p><hr/><p>Wooyoung was in front of the house. He was stupid. He wanted to run again but it was too late, his finger already pressed on the doorbell. It was almost 11 AM. He should have sent a text to Mingi first to know if it was the right time to come. </p><p>The door opened, Umji was standing on the threshold. He could see her better with the daylight. She didn’t look like a high schooler anymore, she looked like a woman. She had black hair now, she stopped dying them in dark blue. But she didn’t change. Wooyoung felt fourteen and lost again. </p><p>“Hi,” he simply said.</p><p>She was wearing the hoodie Mingi had worn the night before with a black tracksuit. Her hair was tied up in a bun, freeing her pale face. Her eyes were red and puffy, Wooyoung understood she cried a lot too. She didn’t say anything, not believing he was standing before her eyes. Wooyoung’s heart was pounding in his chest. He hated that feeling of deja-vu.</p><p>“Can I come in?” he dared to ask.</p><p>Umji blinked, coming back to reality. She stepped aside to let him enter and closed the door behind him. He turned around to face her again.</p><p>“I guess Mingi is still here, I don’t want to disturb your time together so I won’t be long,” he started.</p><p>“No, it’s okay. We need to talk.” she cut him off. </p><p>He nodded and she told him to follow her in the kitchen. She asked him if he wanted some coffee which he accepted. She poured the hot drink in two cups and they sat on each side of the counter. Wooyoung drank a mouthful of coffee and felt alive again. </p><p>“Does he know?” Wooyoung broke the heavy silence.</p><p>Umji nodded before taking a sip of her drink.</p><p>“Mingi knows about Sanghoon. He has known it since day one.”</p><p>Wooyoung remembered when Mingi said the girl he was seeing wasn’t ready to commit. He understood that she must have been heartbroken somewhat and was scared to be hurt again. Now, it was clearer. </p><p>“He also knows that I…” she started, avoiding Wooyoung's eyes, not being able to finish her sentence.</p><p>“Broke me?” </p><p>Umji bit her lower lip and lowered her eyes.</p><p>“You don’t know how much you hurt me, Umji,” he added.</p><p>“Don’t think it was easy for me. I’ve never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted us to move on,” she justified herself, locking her teary eyes with his.</p><p>“You wanted us to move on? Do you know that you made it worse? I was fourteen, I lost my brother and when I expected you to leave, you <em> promised </em> me you won’t. Do you know how much it fucked me up when you left?” </p><p>Wooyoung’s voice wasn’t aggressive. He was surprised to be able to say all he had on his heart with such calm. He thought about this moment a hundred times. He thought about what he would say to Umji if he had the occasion to meet her again. And everything wasn’t going as planned but Wooyoung was relieved to be able to pour his heart out.</p><p>“Every time I’m meeting someone, I’m asking myself when they will leave me. I force myself not to get attached. I refused to let someone be close because last time someone was closed to me, they broke my heart,” </p><p>A tear fell on Umji’s left cheek. She never imagined how much pain Wooyoung felt about her. She always thought that, like a breakup, he would have gotten over it. But Umji wasn’t a fling or a girlfriend to Wooyoung. She was a family member. When she left his life, it was like she was dead to him too.</p><p>“I am so sorry Wooyoung, I didn’t want this to happen,”</p><p>“I didn’t come for an apology, they won’t change anything.”</p><p>Umji wiped her wet cheeks. His tone was cold. She couldn’t recognise the little teenager he was back then. He grew up and felt like a stranger. But she couldn’t blame him. </p><p>“I want to know what did I do wrong back then? Why did you decide to leave my life?” he asked.</p><p>This question haunted him for years. Why didn’t he deserve to have her as a sister? Every time he dreamt about that moment, the answer was different. The answer changed according to the insecurities he developed throughout the years. Umji parted her lips, not expecting that question. </p><p>“You did nothing wrong Wooyoung. You’ve never been the problem,” </p><p>Wooyoung felt his chest becoming lighter, a heavy burden leaving his heart. However, he was confused and frowned.</p><p>"I lied to you, saying that I was okay when Sanghoon died. I just couldn't look at you without seeing him. I couldn't hear you speak without hearing his voice. And when I helped you sleep… if I closed my eyes, it was like I was lying next to him," she explained, hot tears running on her cheeks.</p><p>Wooyoung stared at her in disbelief. He never thought her grief was <em> that </em> hard. He always thought she left because she moved on. He has never been in love, he didn’t know how first love felt like and even more how much pain you would feel if your first love died.</p><p>"I regret how I did it. Now I think I should have talked to you. But to be honest I don't think we would have moved on by staying like we used to,"</p><p>Wooyoung slowly nodded. He was out of words. They stayed in silence, hands on their cups to find some warmth in the cold room. Now that Wooyoung got all of his feelings off his chest, he felt empty. </p><p>"I still consider you as my little brother," Umji said and Wooyoung locked his eyes with her "And I hope one day you'll consider me as your big sister again,"</p><p>Wooyoung never stopped considering Umji as his big sister. That's what he hated the most in that. He has never been able to forget her. But he wouldn't say that to her.</p><p>"I didn't come to start over something with you. I came because you're Mingi's girlfriend and I didn't want things to be awkward,"</p><p>Umji bit her lower lip and slowly nodded. </p><p>"I won't give up though," she insisted.</p><p>"I know you won't"</p><p>That's not what Sanghoon would have wanted, they both thought but kept to themselves. They heard someone coming into the room. The door opened and Mingi entered the room with his phone on the right hand. Wooyoung couldn't help but chuckle at the view of a giant sleepy Mingi. </p><p>"Next time you come here, tell it to your boyfriend. He called me at least ten times", Mingi complained, still sounding asleep.</p><p>"My what?" Wooyoung asked but then remembered he left San at his flat "Shit, San"</p><p>He reached his phone and saw the boy had texted and called him several times. Wooyoung ran his hands in his hair. What did he not understand in “please, don’t worry”? </p><p>"You should call him before he starts to stick a missing person appeal up in Seoul" Mingi kept teasing.</p><p>"I was leaving anyway."</p><p>Wooyoung stood up and Umji followed.</p><p>"Next time you plan to go to Ilsan, tell me. There are people I have to see," she said.</p><p>Wooyoung looked at her for a few seconds and nodded. He handed her his phone so she could put her phone number on it. And unlike last time, she took it.</p><hr/><p>Wooyoung took a deep breath and opened the door. He only put a foot in the living room that San came to him and grabbed his shoulders.</p><p>“Are you kidding me? You asked me to be here but you’re leaving before I wake up? And you left a note? What am I? A one night stand?” San exclaimed.</p><p>Wooyoung moved his arms to be free of San’s hold. </p><p>“I’m sorry, I had to talk to Umji and if I told you, you would have tried to convince me not to go”</p><p>San took a deep breath and crossed his arms around his chest. </p><p>“You’re right,” he admitted.</p><p>“Am I forgiven if I make kimchi fried rice for breakfast?” Wooyoung tried, a small smile on his lips.</p><p>“Are you trying to buy me with food?”</p><p>“Yes,”</p><p>“You know me so well,”</p><p>They both chuckled and Wooyoung went to the kitchen, washed his hands before taking out everything he needed. San tiptoed to the kitchen but stayed on the threshold. Wooyoung put everything on the worktop before he noticed him. </p><p>“If you want to help, it’d be nice if you cook the bacon,” Wooyoung said to San.</p><p>The latter smiled like a child and nodded vividly. Wooyoung chuckled. San entered the kitchen, making the bacon while Wooyoung chopped the other ingredients. When the bacon was done, Wooyoung instructed San to set it on dry paper towels and while he drained the pan of most of the oil. San looked at Wooyoung adding the rice, additional sesame oil, chopped kimchi and kimchi juice, <em> gochujang </em>, soy sauce, and fish sauce. Wooyoung was attractive, but he was even more attractive when he was focused. </p><p>“You should have majored in cooking,” San said.</p><p>“Like in <em> Shokugeki no Soma </em> (anime: Food Wars)?” Wooyoung chuckled.</p><p>“Yes! I’m sure you’re a better cook than Soma,”</p><p>Wooyoung laughed. San, who was behind him, smiled. He tried to make Wooyoung laugh and smile the most that day. He did, thinking it was maybe the last time they could be this way. He knew that when they were going to talk about New Year’s Eve, something would change. Everything already did but this time, it would be worse.</p><p>San went back to reality when Wooyoung started to cook the eggs. He offered to put the food on the plates. He needed to do something not to overthink. But he started to feel stressed. He knew Wooyoung wouldn't leave him, but what if he was wrong from the beginning?</p><p>"San-ah, are you okay?" Wooyoung asked when he saw San in the middle of the living room with the two plates in his hands.</p><p>"Yeah, huh, sorry. I was… I was thinking about something,"</p><p>Wooyoung simply nodded, didn't ask what was torturing him. When the eggs were done, they started eating. San asked Wooyoung if he was okay and if that conversation with Umji helped him. Wooyoung didn't lie or hide anything. He told San he needed to speak to her and that now everything was better.</p><p>"But it doesn't change everything. She apologised, she explained to me why she did that but…"</p><p>"She still left you when you needed her. I know it won't change anything,"</p><p>Wooyoung looked at San a second before avoiding his gaze. He started to be nervous. He remembered San told him they were going to talk today. He didn't know if he was ready to talk about it but it was too late now. </p><p>"Wooyoung-ssi," San called him, making Wooyoung’s hands sweat.</p><p>Wooyoung looked at him. It always amazed him how San could be a warm sunbeam when he was smiling and also a cold ray of moonlight when his smile faded away. He took a few seconds, enjoying the silence before the storm. </p><p>“You wanted to talk about New,” San started.</p><p>"Why did you break up with Areum?" Wooyoung cut him off before thinking about it. He bit his lip.</p><p>San sighed. He knew Wooyoung would ask that question, but he didn’t think it would be his first.</p><p>"For many reasons,"</p><p><em> Am I one of those many reasons? </em> Wooyoung wanted to ask. He didn’t, too scared of the answer. Actually, he didn’t know which answer he wanted to hear. He simply nodded, pretending he wasn’t tortured by this answer that meant anything and everything at the same time.</p><p>The two boys looked at each other, one on the couch and the other on the bed. They felt too far away from each other but none of them dared to move.</p><p>“I thought you were happy with her,” </p><p>“I was,” San didn’t look away, eyes still fixed on Wooyoung’s, “But I’m happier with someone else,”</p><p>Wooyoung gulped. He played dumb, his brain switch off. San didn’t mean what he said, he tried to convince himself.</p><p>“I don’t even miss her. I’ve never missed her. I’ve never been afraid of her leaving me.”</p><p>Wooyoung felt his heart clench. He wished he could think this way about someone.</p><p>“But when you left on New Year’s Eve…” he ran a hand in his hair “I’ve never been <em> that </em> scared of losing someone. I messed up and I was terrified of you running away from me,”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because I like you Wooyoung,” he revealed.</p><p>Wooyoung parted his lips but he wasn’t able to speak. San gave him his heart and took his voice in exchange.</p><p>“I like you and not in a friendly way. Actually, I never saw you as a friend, even when I tried to,” San added.</p><p>A tear fell from Wooyoung’s eye. He didn’t bother to wipe it. San approached him and wiped it with his thumb, resting his hand on Wooyoung’s face.</p><p>“Please don’t cry, I hate when you cry,”</p><p>“I hate you,” Wooyoung answered looking directly into San’s eyes.</p><p>San was taken aback and pushed a little back, his hand still on Wooyoung’s cheek. </p><p>“I hate you for making me feel this way. I shouldn’t feel like that because there’s no proof I won’t be the next Areum. There’s no proof I won’t be another pastime for you”</p><p>Other tears fell from Wooyoung’s orbs and San wiped all of them.</p><p>“You have all the reasons to hate me, I understand you don’t trust me. But you’ll never be a night to me,” he tried to look into Wooyoung’s eyes but the boy kept avoiding his gaze </p><p>“Why? Because I’m special?” Wooyoung joked.</p><p>“I think we were meant to meet,”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Think about it. Among <em> all </em> the flats of the student housing, we were given <em> these </em> ones. And among all students in Composition, you were assigned to work with <em> my </em> friends. I don’t believe in coincidences. I only believe in fate,” </p><p>Wooyoung said nothing. </p><p>“I’m sorry for pushing you. I shouldn’t have done that knowing it would freak you out,”</p><p>“It’s too late,” Wooyoung said before standing up.</p><p>He went to open the window that was between his desk and his bed. He leant on the sill, breathing the cold air that was entering the room. San was standing behind him from a safe distance. </p><p>“It would have been easier if you just tried to fuck me as your one night stands. It would have been easier if you didn’t care, if you weren’t my friend,”</p><p>“Were we friends Wooyoung?”</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t turn around. He lowered his head, biting his lip. Another tear fell on his cheek. He hated himself for being such a crybaby.</p><p>“I thought we were,”</p><p>“I thought too. But on the balcony, you wanted to kiss me too, didn’t you?”</p><p>Wooyoung stayed silent. He didn’t want to admit it. Because if he admitted it, he would fall.</p><p>“Wooyoung, look at me and tell me you didn’t want to kiss me that night. Tell me you don’t like me. Tell me that everything was in my head,”</p><p>Wooyoung’s body tensed. It was too cruel. He didn’t want to lie but he didn’t want to tell the truth. He stayed silent and San took a step towards him. </p><p>“Turn around and please tell me that I was wrong,” San begged.</p><p>Wooyoung couldn’t identify the emotions in his voice. Was it hope? Sadness? Both of them? He slowly turned around and looked at him. His eyes were teary. <em> Fear</em>. That was fear in his voice, he could even see it in his eyes.</p><p>“I can’t,” Wooyoung whispered, “I wanted you to kiss me that night but I was scared, I still am. I’m scared of how you make me feel San,” </p><p>“I know. I was sincere when I said I’ll wait for you. I was sincere when I said you were my resolution for this year. And you’d probably be my resolution for next year, and the years after. And when I’ll die, if there is a life after that, you’d be my resolution there too,” </p><p>San wiped another tear on Wooyoung’s cheek.</p><p>“I want to feel first love again. With you,”</p><p>San grabbed Wooyoung’s neck and slowly pulled Wooyoung’s head onto him to kiss his forehead.</p><p>“But I’ll wait for you to allow me,”</p><p>He let go, took his stuff and left the flat. Wooyoung stayed in the middle living room, empty again. He didn't know what to think. He didn’t know how to feel. He closed the window, thinking he was cold because of the wind, but he was already missing San’s touch.</p><p>He took his phone and wrote a message.</p><p><b>Wooyoung: </b>Are you free this weekend?</p><p>He didn’t wait long for an answer.</p><p><b>Umji:</b> Yes. You’re going to Ilsan?</p><p><b>Wooyoung:</b> It wasn’t planned, but I need to go there.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please share your opinion about the chapter, I'm open to any criticism.<br/>You can also follow me on Twitter: @tinymat_ </p><p>See you soon 💙</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Regrets</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Back to Wooyoung’s roots.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!</p><p>So I haven't updated since January... I'm sorry. I had a lot to do and I kind of struggled to write this chapter. I hope you'll like it and that it was worth the wait.</p><p>Enjoy reading! 💙</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wooyoung was running endlessly with his hands tied in front of his chest in an area he didn't know. His hair kept blocking his view, preventing him to see the grey sky and the greenish grass. He kept running until he was out of breath. <em> Why am I running like a maniac? </em> he asked himself. He stopped and his hands were free. He raised his chin at the grey sky, looking for an answer. Walls appearing around him, imprisoning him. He didn't try to escape. He stared at the walls, knowing that it was about to happen.</p><p>The boy abruptly opened his eyes. One of his AirPods dropped on the floor. He took it and pressed a hand on his right cheek. </p><p>"Don't worry, you didn't droll on my shoulder," Umji joked.</p><p>He rolled his eyes and took his phone. He decided to put his earphones away since they were running flat. </p><p>"You must be really tired to fall asleep on a train," Umji commented.</p><p>He was. In fact, Wooyoung didn't sleep the night before. San's words were echoing in his mind over and over again. The fact that he chose to run away, again, didn't help. He decided to go to Ilsan, which was actually worse. Telling Umji that he was going and offered to her to come with him was the icing on the cake.</p><p>"Are you going to play the quiet game for much longer?"</p><p>Wooyoung rolled his eyes again.</p><p>"Is the thought of me not wanting to talk to you too unrealistic for your mind?" </p><p>He knew it was harsh but he couldn't care less. </p><p>"I don't understand you. I know you didn't ask me to come with you to reconnect with me but you're acting like it is a chore to be with me,"</p><p>Wooyoung wished his earphones were charged. They weren't in Ilsan yet but he already hated everything and everyone. </p><p>"My world doesn't revolve about you,"</p><p>"Oh, so it's about that San?"</p><p>Wooyoung looked at her, a small smirk was on her lips. </p><p>"I guess I'm right,"</p><p>"That's not your fucking business," he spat.</p><p>"Fine," she sighed before taking a book from her bag and ignored Wooyoung all the way.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>After one hour and a half on the train, Wooyoung and Umji went directly to the cemetery. It was cold but this time Wooyoung wore a warm jacket. Umji put a violet on the grave.</p><p>"Isn't violet his birth flower?" Wooyoung asked, curious.</p><p>"Yes, but it was also his favourite," </p><p>Wooyoung said nothing. He never knew his brother had such a thing as favourite flowers. Whenever he came to his grave, he just stayed there and talked to himself. He never put something on the grave, he found it stupid since his brother is, well, dead. He would never be able to see it.</p><p>"When was the last time you came here?" Umji asked.</p><p>"Last year. I always come near the period when he died. I couldn't this year,"</p><p>"You're always coming here around your birthday?" </p><p>Wooyoung looked at his feet. His mind went back to that day. To his fourteenth birthday. Wooyoung was playing video games with some friends he invited. His mother cooked meat and bought his favourite cake. His brother promised to play with them when he would finish an assignment. But Wooyoung was too impatient and rushed into his room. He screamed at him when he saw him laying on his bed. How could he sleep when he promised to spend time with them? Sanghoon didn’t react, which was weird since he was a light sleeper. Wooyoung shook him but he never woke up. </p><p>"Wooyoung, did you stop celebrating your birthday since that day?" </p><p>Wooyoung took a deep breath. </p><p>"I celebrated my last birthday, but I haven't for years. My birthday always takes me back to that day. It's easier today but it just doesn't feel right,"</p><p>Umji put her gloved hand on his cheek to make him look at her. Wooyoung didn't reject her. He looked at her warm eyes. </p><p>"You must put everything in the past. That's what Sanghoon would have wanted,"</p><p>"I know."</p><p>They stared at each other for another minute and Umji let go of Wooyoung’s cheek. They looked at the grave.</p><p>
  <em> Jung Sanghoon </em>
</p><p>
  <em> 1995 - 2013 </em>
</p><p>"Life is such a bitch," Umji declared.</p><p>Wooyoung didn't disagree.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>San tried to focus on his book but he couldn't understand anything. All French words sounded like Wooyoung in his head. He threw the book on his bed and rubbed his eyes. He closed them for a few seconds to clear his mind but the only thing he could see was Wooyoung with cheeks soaked by tears. He opened his eyes and took his phone. Should he text him? San stared at his phone, biting his lower lip.</p><p>San has loved many people. He also confessed to them. But when he did it to Wooyoung, he felt like it was the first time. Wooyoung erased all his previous relationships like he was discovering love for the first time. </p><p>Everything with Wooyoung felt new. San has never missed someone that much. He has never craved someone that much. He has never been that scared because of someone. He has never hesitated. He always knew what to do, what to say and when to do it, when to say it. With Wooyoung, nothing could be calculated. Oddly, it didn't scare San. He <em> enjoyed </em> this. He enjoyed that feeling of newness.</p><p>Jung Wooyoung, what have you done to him? </p><p>San came back to reality when he heard a knock at his door. He frowned but put his phone on the bed to go to open the door.</p><p>"Yeosang?" San called, surprised.</p><p>The boy was wearing a big black coat with a beanie of the same colour. Some chestnut-brown strands were poking out of his beanie to lay on his forehead. Yeosang didn't greet him but entered the flat. </p><p>"Wooyoung isn't here," San said while closing the door behind them. </p><p>"I know he's in Ilsan," Yeosang replied while removing his coat, "but looking at your face, you didn't."</p><p>Yeosang sat on one of the armchairs and looked at San who entered the living room. </p><p>"No, I didn't," he replied running a hand in his soft black hair.</p><p>Yeosang hummed and nodded. He didn't seem surprised by that. San, on the contrary, was surprised that Wooyoung didn't tell him he planned to go to Ilsan for the weekend. He thought they were closed enough. But then something hit him. Wooyoung never planned to go to Ilsan that weekend. He only went to Ilsan to escape San.</p><p>"So, I was right. He ran away again," Yeosang concluded.</p><p>"That's why you're here?" San asked while sitting in an armchair in front of Yeosang.</p><p>"Well, we're not friends. I didn't come to hang out with you but to talk,"</p><p>They stared at each other. San was scared by Yeosang. This boy was too calm, too intuitive, too blunt. He still didn't understand how he and Wooyoung could be best friends. They were polar opposites.</p><p>"Wooyoung likes you. He always did," Yeosang revealed. </p><p>San was taken aback by that confession. He parted his lips, ready to ask Yeosang if Wooyoung told him but Yeosang cut him off.</p><p>"He didn't have to tell me. I just understood,"</p><p>San nodded. </p><p>"When we were younger, Wooyoung was very popular. He was everyone's friend. Everyone liked him, because who couldn't?"</p><p>San smiled at the last sentence. Wooyoung might seem cold but when you get to know him, you can’t help but like him. </p><p>"When Sanghoon-hyung died, he tried to keep that image to everyone. Everyone except Umji and me of course." </p><p>Yeosang took his beanie off and ran his hands in his hair.</p><p>"When Umji left, he started to act cold with everyone. He thought why should he be friends with everyone when no one was going to be here for him. He wasn't the bubbly boy anymore but the apathetic boy who lost his brother. It was hard for him to let Jongho and Seonghwa enter his life. It took time for him to call them his friends."</p><p>San nodded. His heart clenched knowing how much Wooyoung suffered.</p><p>"But since he met you, he’s different. You somehow unlocked something in him. And I’m thankful for that,”</p><p>Yeosang was looking San in the eyes. San didn’t see Yeosang smile or laugh a lot. He always had an unreadable straight face. But every time he was talking about Wooyoung, there was something in his eyes or in his voice or both. San couldn’t put a label on it but he knew <em> it </em> was there.</p><p>"I have known Wooyoung since we were eight, maybe seven. He’s practically my brother. I’m happy to see he’s allowing himself to get attached to people again,"</p><p>“Allowing is a big word. I’m still scaring him,”</p><p>“He’s not scared of you, San. He’s scared of himself,”</p><p><em> I’m scared of how you make me feel San, </em> Wooyoung’s words resounded in San’s mind.</p><p>“Please wait for him. Please don’t break him. Please, bring my best friend back,” Yeosang begged.</p><p>A lot of people would have told Yeosang to fuck off. A lot of people would have left because they don’t do charity cases. A lot of people believe that they have their own problems and they cannot deal with others’. A lot of people wouldn’t bother with broken things, preferring something closed to perfection. A lot of people hated insecurities, fears and demons of the past, struggling with theirs.</p><p>But San wasn’t <em> a lot of people</em>.</p><p>“I’ve never planned to leave.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Wooyoung forgot his keys so he rang the doorbell. He didn’t tell his parents he was coming, he prayed they weren’t out. He waited a minute before hearing his mother’s steps. The door opened, revealing his mother with an apron and gloves stained by what seemed to be kimchi sauce. </p><p>“Wooyoungie, I didn’t know you were coming this weekend. Did you bring your dirty clothes?” her mother asked with a smile.</p><p>“Well, I <em> did </em> bring something…”</p><p>Umji, who was hiding behind him the whole time, stepped aside. Wooyoung’s mother seemed to have seen a ghost. She put her hand on her face, leaving some kimchi sauce on her pale face. </p><p>“Umji, is that you?” she whispered.</p><p>Umji nodded, fighting not to cry. She was scared of Wooyoung’s mother's reaction. She had no right to show up like this. But Wooyoung’s mother came to her to hug her, watching out not to put kimchi sauce on her clothes. A tear fell on Umji’s cheek, Wooyoung’s mother smelt the same as back then.</p><p>“I missed you, my daughter,” Wooyoung’s mother murmured.</p><p>“I missed you too, Mrs Jung”, Umji muttered back.</p><p>The woman moved back and smiled at her. She told them to come inside and they went to the living room. Umji took a few seconds before sitting on the sofa. She looked at everything and noticed nothing has really changed. Mrs Jung came back into the living room with cups and told them she was going to prepare tea. </p><p>Wooyoung took his phone, no texts. He bit his lower lip. He wished San texted him even if he knew he wouldn’t have replied. He didn’t spot that his mother was back in the room and in a deep conversation with Umji. </p><p>“How did you two get back in touch?” Mrs Jung asked.</p><p>“My boyfriend is a friend of Wooyoung’s,” </p><p>Mrs Jung almost choked on her tea.</p><p>“San isn’t my boyfriend!” Wooyoung shouted, dropping his phone on the floor.</p><p>“Who said I was talking about San?” Umji answered, arching a brow.</p><p>Wooyoung squinted, he hated her too. </p><p>“Well, I hope that <em> San </em> will make you stop your night trips,” Mrs Jung commented before sipping her tea.</p><p>“Night trips?” Umji repeated.</p><p>Mrs Jung started to explain to Umji that every time Wooyoung was back in town, he would spend nights away and only came back at dawn with love bites.</p><p>“I’m literally right here,” Wooyoung interrupted.</p><p>“And I literally don’t care, let the adults talk,” Mrs Jung replied.</p><p>Wooyoung rolled his eyes and went upstairs. As usual, the door of his brother’s bedroom was closed. Only his mother went there to clean up from time to time. The boy didn't remember when was the last time he entered the room. He knew it wasn't <em> that </em> day but it was a long time ago. Wooyoung wondered if he should enter or not but already had his hand on the handle. </p><p>Nothing had changed. The bed was made, the wardrobe was opened on some old clothes. Wooyoung's fingers skimmed the fabric of Sanghoon's football shirt. Then, he saw notebooks and books perfectly tidied on the desk. Wooyoung asked himself if he ever saw his brother's handwriting. He randomly took a notebook. He turned the pages and realised it wasn't <em> any </em> notebook but <em> the </em> notebook. </p><p>Back then, his brother was seeing a therapist for his drug addiction. His therapist advised him to write a diary. Wooyoung saw his name on the top of a page. Should he read it?</p><p>"Well, it's not like he's going to come back from the dead to beat my ass up," Wooyoung pondered.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Wooyoungie, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I am sorry for not matching your expectations. You're always saying that you're proud that I'm your brother even if I'm a mess. But I'm the proudest. I couldn't wish for a better brother than you. You're so full of energy, joy and love. I don't deserve that. You should give that pure love to someone who deserves it. Umji should too. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I hope I won't disappoint you. I hope you'll always have that sparkle in your eyes when you speak about me. I'll do everything I can to be better.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’m only eighteen and I’m full of regrets, I don’t want you to feel the same. Don’t be scared, do everything you want. Because it’s better to struggle and to be sad than to be regretful, trust me. If you're stressed, scared, sad, remember that I'm here. Remember that your brother will always support you, no matter what. I don't say it often but you can count on me, little bro. Know that your brother will always be behind you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I'll always be here. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"Wooyoung? Are you okay?" Wooyoung heard Umji's voice and turned around, "Why are you crying?" </p><p>She passed her thumbs on Wooyoung's cheeks to wipe his tears. He still had the notebook in his hands. Umji recognised it and stared at it. </p><p>"I… I don't regret reading it. I think I needed it," Wooyoung admitted.</p><p>Wooyoung handed the notebook to Umji, telling her she should read her letters. </p><p>
  <em> Because it’s better to struggle and to be sad than to be regretful, trust me. </em>
</p><p>"I have to go," he said before leaving. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Wooyoung was in front of San's apartment's door. His heart was pounding in his chest, his hands were moist. He took a deep breath and rang the doorbell while trying to have a bright smile. The door opened and Wooyoung's tensed smile faded away. On the threshold was standing a girl slightly smaller than Wooyoung. She had deer eyes and blond hair. She also had long caramel legs, which Wooyoung could see since she was wearing an oversized t-shirt that was surely San's.</p><p>"Huh, San isn't here?" Wooyoung asked.</p><p>"Yes, he's in the shower. I thought you were the delivery man," she answered with an innocent smile.</p><p>Wooyoung's heart clenched and tried his best not to show it. </p><p>"I didn't know Sannie was waiting for someone. You are?"</p><p>"About to leave. Sorry and, huh, have a nice day."</p><p>Wooyoung almost ran away and blinked back the tears. He opened the door of his flat and entered. He closed the door and couldn’t move forward. His body slid down on the floor, his back against the cold door. </p><p><em> Is that what a heartbreak feels like? </em> Wooyoung asked himself. Silent tears were falling on his cheeks, he wasn’t even sobbing. <em> Why say all those things and go into someone else's arms after? </em> People don’t like broken things. Why would San wait for Wooyoung when he could have anyone else in this world?</p><p>Wooyoung let the tears flood his cheeks, he didn’t have the strength to wipe them. He held himself, he was cold even if he didn’t take his coat off. He didn't know how much time he stayed like this. It could have been ten minutes or one hour. He was so lost in his dark thoughts that he lost track of time.</p><p>He came back to reality when he felt a vibration through his body. Someone was knocking at his door, the sound echoing on his back that was still stuck against the door. </p><p>“Wooyoung. Wooyoung I know you’re here,” he could hear San’s voice. “Please Wooyoung, open the door,”</p><p>“Go… Go away,” the boy whispered, he didn’t know if San actually heard him.</p><p>“I’ll keep knocking until you open the door,” San stated.</p><p>No more tears were falling from Wooyoung’s eyes. He cried too much. He cried too much for that stupid boy. San’s hand started to redden but he didn’t care. He kept hitting the door and begging Wooyoung to open it. </p><p>“I know what you saw but that’s not what you think. Let me explain,”</p><p>Wooyoung gave a sour laugh. When did his life turn into a drama? Why did he feel like he was cheated on whereas San wasn’t even his? </p><p>“Wooyoung, please. I’m begging you,” San whispered, Wooyoung assumed he had his forehead against the cold door. </p><p>There was a silence for a couple of seconds. Wooyoung stood up with difficulty, his legs were stiff. He heard another noise that indicated to him that San put his hand on the door. He continued to ask Wooyoung to let him in. Wooyoung stared at the door. San's voice seemed so far away. Wooyoung felt like he was underwater. </p><p>“Can you shut the fuck up? The dude doesn’t want you here, get over it,” a neighbour screamed at San.</p><p>“Put some earphones and mind your own business,” San replied.</p><p>Wooyoung’s eyes widened and he opened the door. He grabbed San’s collar and pulled him inside the apartment. He let his head out towards the neighbour and apologised for the inconvenience before slamming the door shut.</p><p>He finally took off his coat and joined San who was in the middle of the living room, behind the couch. He was angry at himself for finding San handsome right now. His wet hair was falling on his eyes. He was simply wearing a white t-shirt and light-grey tracksuit trousers that underlined his body curves. Wooyoung frowned when he noticed that San was barefoot. Did he rush here without thinking about putting on socks and shoes? </p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me you were going to Ilsan?” San asked, hands in his pockets.</p><p>“How do you know I was away?”</p><p>“Yeosang told me.” San started and raised a finger when he saw Wooyoung parted his lips to reply “But that’s not the point,” </p><p>“Why do you care anyway? There’s someone more important there I think,” Wooyoung retorted, pointing to the wall behind San with his chin.</p><p>“Wooyoung, that’s not…”</p><p>“Not your girlfriend? You know what, it’s not my business actually. We’re not together, we’re friends. It’s just… I don’t get you. You told me that you like me, that we were meant to meet and I left for not even twenty-four hours and you’re already fucking someone else? How can I believe what you said when you do that kind of stuff? How can I?” Wooyoung almost shouted, anger and disappointment in his orbs.</p><p>San sighed and crossed his arms on his chest.</p><p>“That’s Yoonhee, my sister,”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Her semester in Europe is over so she’s on holiday. She decided to stay a few days in Seoul with me before going to Namhae. I didn’t know she was coming until I saw her at my door,” he explained.  </p><p>San leaned forward, his elbows resting on the couch.</p><p>“I don’t know if I should be flattered by your jealousy or hurt by your lack of trust towards me. But I know I can’t blame you,” </p><p>Wooyoung felt his cheeks getting hot and red. He was sure he was so red that they could put his face instead of the red circle on the Japanese flag. He tried to hide his face in his hands and apologised profusely. San walked towards him and took his hands to see his face. San smiled at him. There was something so sweet about that smile that he warmed Wooyoung’s heart up.</p><p>“Why did you come earlier?” San asked softly.</p><p>Wooyoung’s eyes widened. He rubbed his neck and looked away, his white wall was really interesting.</p><p>“I… I had to tell you something,”</p><p>“What was it?” San tilted his head on the side, trying to make eye contact with the boy.</p><p>“It’s not important. You should go back to your sister. She came back to spend time with you, don’t let her alone,”</p><p>“She can wait.”</p><p>Wooyoung looked at San who locked his eyes with Wooyoung’s. Wooyoung forgot how to breathe, his hands were sweating and his heart threatened to leave his chest. </p><p>“Did something happen in Ilsan?” San asked.</p><p>
  <em> Because it’s better to struggle and to be sad than to be regretful, trust me. </em>
</p><p>“Yes, I realised something,” he took a deep breath, “My… What I feel isn’t going to destroy me but if I keep shutting it, I will destroy myself. You’ll probably make me cry and break my heart but I’m ready to take the risk.”</p><p>San’s eyes widened. He parted his lips but no sound left his mouth.</p><p>“I want to try. You, me. I want to see where it will lead us. I think I’ll regret it more if I let you go than if I let you in,” he gave him a small smile “I don’t want to feel any regret about you,” </p><p>San nodded while smiling. He put some strands of Wooyoung’s hair behind his ear before resting his hand on his right cheek.</p><p>“You won’t, I’ll do my best to make you the happiest,” San swore softly. </p><p>Wooyoung smiled widely. </p><p> </p><p><em> I won’t feel regrets, Sanghoon-hyung, I promise</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Tell me what you thought about the chapter, I'm open to criticism.<br/>If you're looking for new moots to scream about Ateez's comeback, follow me on Twitter: @tinymat_</p><p>See you soon! 💙</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. First</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Woosan's first date</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!</p><p>I'm back with another chapter. I'm not used to writing romance so this chapter was kind of hard to write. I hope you'll like it! Please tell me what you think in the comment section.</p><p>Enjoy reading 💙</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Next Saturday, Wooyoung woke up tired and excited. The poor boy couldn't sleep the night before and for two reasons. First, because the Velux window above his head wouldn't stay closed and he felt a constant draught skimming his face. Second, and more believable, because he knew he would have his first date with San the next day.</p><p>They were meeting in the afternoon so Wooyoung had a couple of hours free to freak out about how he should dress and act. Indeed, Wooyoung has had dates but they weren’t romantic ones. They both knew <em>why</em> they were meeting and it was never in a public space.</p><p>This time, it would be different. San offered him to go to a French café that he liked. Wooyoung, who didn’t know anything about French food except wine and cheese, accepted. Yes, he would have followed San everywhere but he wouldn’t admit it. </p><p>Wooyoung stared at the clothes rack that was standing against a wall of the living room. He thought he should wear something casual and warm since it was cold these days. So, he took a warm grey hoodie and tracksuit trousers of the same colour. He stared at himself in the mirror.</p><p>“Am I serious right now?” he scolded himself thinking about how ridiculous he would look next to San. “Who’s going on a date dressed like this?”</p><p>He threw the clothes in the middle of the room and took something else. He should be more sophisticated, right? So, he took a dark purple satin shirt, black skinny jeans and Chelsea boots of the same colour. Wooyoung didn’t button his shirt entirely and tucked it in his jeans. </p><p>“Well, this is too much,” he commented looking at his reflection.</p><p>He threw those clothes too in the middle of the room and tried to choose something else. He grabbed a white turtleneck, a black Billie Eilish’s jumper, black jeans and the Chelsea boots he tried before. He decided to put on hoop silver earrings. He looked at himself and took a deep breath.</p><p>“It should be okay,” he reassured himself.</p><p>Wooyoung started when he heard a knock at his door. He took his phone and saw it was already 4 PM. He went to open the door and couldn’t process to even say hi. San was wearing a white shirt above a black turtleneck, black slacks and a trench coat of the same colour. He styled his hair to free his forehead, an unruly lock falling on it. He was holding a bunch of yarrows and smiled warmly as usual.</p><p>“Hi, gorgeous,” San greeted.</p><p>Wooyoung hoped he wasn’t blushing but felt a familiar warmth on his cheeks.</p><p>“Hi,” he managed to say, “Is it for me?” he asked pointing a finger at the flowers.</p><p>“Yeah, I didn’t know if you had a favourite flower so I looked it up and found out yarrows were your birth flower,” </p><p>San handed him the yarrows. Wooyoung never asked himself what was his favourite flower. But since that day, he knew his favourite was yarrow, especially yellow ones. </p><p>“Thank you. They’re beautiful,” the boy whispered, blushing even more.</p><p><em>Like you</em>, San wanted to answer but stayed silent, too scared of being cheesy. </p><p>“Just give me a minute,” Wooyoung added before disappearing into his flat.</p><p>Wooyoung wanted to put them in a vase but noticed he didn’t have any. He told himself to buy one after they go to the café. He put the bunch of yarrows on the coffee table, picked the clothes that were on the floor to throw them on the bed, grabbed his black padded coat and closed the door to leave with San.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The café was magnificent. The floor, walls and ceiling were bright white. A huge patio door let the natural light enter the room. The tables and chairs were walnut brown. Flowers were in each corner of the room and some paintings were hanging up on the walls. Wooyoung was still admiring the ceiling lights when they sat at their table.</p><p>“Do you like it?” San asked with a little smile.</p><p>Wooyoung gave him a strong nod which made San giggle. They took the menu and Wooyoung noted it was written in both French and Korean.</p><p>“Do you understand everything written on the menu?” Wooyoung asked, trying to understand how he could pronounce the word <em>brûlée</em>.</p><p>“Yes,” San answered, eyes on his menu too.</p><p>“That’s hot”</p><p>San raised his eyes at him. Wooyoung felt his gaze on him but kept staring at the menu. </p><p>“Are you flirting with me right now?” San leaned towards Wooyoung.</p><p>“Maybe,” Wooyoung replied, smirking and looking inside San’s orbs.</p><p>They smiled at each other and San chuckled. Wooyoung couldn’t believe he was here, on a date, with San. But he was happy. Nothing could ruin their day.</p><p>“Choi San? Is that you?” </p><p>Both boys turned their head towards the voice. A small girl of their age was standing next to their table. Her long brown hair was tied in a high ponytail. Like the employees, she was wearing a white shirt, black trousers and a black apron was tied at her waist.</p><p>“Kim Sowon? I didn’t know you were working here,” San responded, playing with the fabric of his turtleneck.</p><p>Wooyoung frowned. San didn’t seem thrilled to see that girl, he even seemed uncomfortable.</p><p>“It’s new actually. I remembered you talked about that café one time so I came here and they were recruiting,” she replied with the biggest smile Wooyoung has never seen. “Sorry, I’m being rude. Hello, I’m Kim Sowon, one of San’s classmates,” she said to Wooyoung.</p><p>“Hi, I’m Jung Wooyoung. I’m...” he started.</p><p>“My boyfriend,” San cut him off, “Wooyoungie is my boyfriend,” he then added, emphasising the word boyfriend. </p><p>Sowon’s smile faded away. She looked at San and then at Wooyoung.</p><p>“Oh, huh, okay,” she cleared her throat “What do you want to eat and drink?” she asked while taking her tablet.</p><p>“I don’t know yet, I’ll call you,” San answered.</p><p>She nodded, gave a quick look at Wooyoung and left. Wooyoung was still processing that San called him his boyfriend while San put his hand on his forehead. </p><p>“Why does this happen to me?” he lamented.</p><p>“She seems nice,” Wooyoung commented when he came back to reality.</p><p>“Well, she is and she was a really good friend until…”</p><p>Wooyoung looked at him, waiting for the end of his sentence.</p><p>“Until I slept with her,” San revealed. Wooyoung held himself not to scream by surprise, but now he understood the weird look she gave him. “She thought that there was something between us but I only see her as a friend. She offered me many times to go to the cinema or other types of dates but I always turned her down,”</p><p>“Then why did you sleep with her?”</p><p>It was a genuine question, not an attack. Wooyoung has always been curious about what attracted San.</p><p>“It was during our first year in uni. I broke up with some guy and I was sad. I went to a party and Sowon was there. I was a bit drunk so I let myself go. I don’t think I would have slept with her if I was sober that night,”</p><p>Wooyoung simply nodded. He wasn’t anyone to judge. Every time he felt alone, guilty, lost or all of that together, he would have sex with any pretty boy who is willing to. That was the type of boy he was before.</p><p>“I didn’t know she was working here. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. I am deeply sorry Wooyoung. We can go anywhere you want,”</p><p>“No, no, this place is fine. We’re not going anywhere,” </p><p>“Are you sure?” San asked before Wooyoung nodded and gave him a smile. “Okay,” he whispered.</p><p>“I’m surprised though. I didn’t think she could be your type” </p><p>“Why? Because she’s petite?”</p><p>Wooyoung nodded.</p><p>“Well, you’re small too,” San replied before Wooyoung gave him a small kick on the leg. “Small but fierce, exactly my type,” San joked.</p><p>“You’re not even tall,” Wooyoung pouted.</p><p>“I’m still taller than you,” San smiled and winked.</p><p>Wooyoung frowned, making his pout cuter. San chuckled before taking a look at his menu again. They took a few minutes before deciding what they were going to order and San called Sowon again. San took a French toast with an iced tea while Wooyoung chose a crème brûlée — because of the fancy name — with an iced americano. She noted everything and left.</p><p>“How’s the film going?” San asked.</p><p>Wooyoung’s lips were curved in a little smirk. The film. When Wooyoung thought about that film, he couldn’t help but think about San. If he didn’t struggle that night and had an idea, he wouldn’t have to knock at San’s door in the middle of the night. If he didn’t knock at his door that night, he would have a whole other film. Maybe Hongjoong and Mingi wouldn’t have chosen his film to work on if the plot was different. If they didn’t, how Wooyoung would have met San? They lived next to each other but didn’t run into each other before. It’s amazing to think that one choice can change everything in your life.</p><p>“My teacher gave me the green light for the scenario and the places to film. Teachers from the Cinematic section assigned our projects to their students so we’ll start filming in a week or two,” </p><p>“If you need anything, I’ll be glad to help,” </p><p>Wooyoung smiled and thanked San. Then, he started talking about the filming, where it would be and what ideas he had. San put his elbow on the table, cheek resting on his hand. He smiled endearingly at his boyfriend. Calling Wooyoung his boyfriend still felt like a fever dream and he didn’t want to wake up. </p><p>Sowon arrived and put their order on the table in silence. She wished them to enjoy their food and drinks before leaving but San called her name and grabbed her wrist. </p><p>“That’s not what he ordered,” he coldly said. “He asked for an iced americano, not an americano and you perfectly know that,”</p><p>“That’s okay. I like am-” Wooyoung started.</p><p>“No, you don’t. Not today.” San first cut off Wooyoung before staring at Sowon, “I’ll drink it so it won’t be wasted but I want you to get him the iced americano he ordered,”</p><p>Sowon let go of San’s grasp. She whispered what seemed like to be an apology and disappeared. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” San apologised, head low.</p><p>“Don’t be. It happens, there’s a lot of people.”</p><p>“I’m pretty sure she did that on purpose because she’s jealous,”</p><p>“Well, if she did, she’s the one to be sorry for. First, because it’s childish. Second, because I’m still the one dating you today,”</p><p>“When did you become so calm and confident?” San asked.</p><p>“So you thought I wasn’t?” Then, Wooyoung remembered how he reacted when San dated Areum or how he fled not once but twice because of San’s confessions, “Well, you’re right. I just lose control when I don’t know what’s going on in my head or… my heart”</p><p>“I’m happy to discover this Wooyoung. Even if I like the nervous one too,”</p><p>Wooyoung was still nervous and scared. He was still scared that San would break his heart and leave him. He was still scared that he wouldn’t be enough for this man that was perfection to him. He still hoped San could see his idea of perfection through him. He was still nervous because being a boyfriend was new to him and he didn’t know how to act, what to say and what he shouldn’t say. But he didn’t want to tell San. Not now, not on their first date. </p><p>He simply smiled and took his spoon to eat his dessert. San imitated him by taking his silverware to eat his French toast. Their eyes grew bigger and they couldn’t help but moan because of the sweetness of their desserts. Without asking the other, they both took a part of their plate to feed the other. They were enjoying their meal and their time together when Sowon came back with an iced americano this time.</p><p>The girl stumbled on her feet, spilling some iced coffee on the boys’ table and on Wooyoung’s right arm. He jumped, not expecting that. San was ready to tell something but Wooyoung raised his finger to prevent him from speaking.</p><p>“It’s okay. Thank you Sowon-ssi,” he said with a honey voice and a fake smile before sipping his drink.</p><p>The girl, clearly taken aback by that reaction, bowed, apologised and left to another table. When she was out of sight, Wooyoung tried to dry his sleeve with a towel. He then excused himself to go to the toilet to try to clean this mess. </p><p>Wooyoung washed his hands and took some wet paper to press on the sleeve of his jumper. He didn’t realise silent tears were rolling on his cheeks. He didn’t know why he was crying. Was it because of the iced coffee? Was it because of that girl? That girl who had slept with San but couldn’t get over him? </p><p>That girl he was afraid to be one day? </p><p>No, he wasn’t angry at her. He wasn’t because he understood how she was feeling. Today, he was San’s boyfriend and he loved that. But what about tomorrow? What if tomorrow he was just like Sowon? He shook his head and wiped his tears with the back of his hands. He looked at his reflection under the bright artificial light. <em>Don’t mess up</em>, he told himself, <em>it’s better to struggle and to be sad than to be regretful, trust me</em>.</p><p>Wooyoung took a deep breath. He couldn’t let his dark thoughts get the upper hand over him. He ran a hand on his dark hair and walked out of the toilet to sit in front of San. The boy looked concerned. Wooyoung showed him his arm, still wet but less stained. Wooyoung assured San that he was fine and that he shouldn’t worry. San slowly nodded and gave him a weak smiled.</p><p>Wooyoung engaged the conversation by asking San what was the last drama he watched since he knew the boy loved to watch it. San brightly smiled and started to talk about a new drama called <em>Awaken</em>. Wooyoung ate his dessert while listening to the excited voice of San who was explaining how mysterious the plot was. Wooyoung couldn’t help but smile. San had the same stars in the eyes as he had had when they watched that musical for his literature class.</p><p>They finished eating, fought for the bill but decided to split it and left the café. Wooyoung told San he needed to buy a vase for the flowers he gave him so they looked for a shop that was selling decorative objects. They walked awkwardly next to each other without saying a word. San went closer to Wooyoung, his left arm brushing Wooyoung’s right one.</p><p>“Is it okay if… if I take your hand?” San whispered, scared that Wooyoung might hear him.</p><p>Wooyoung looked at him surprised. Why was San asking him this like they were secondary school students? Why was <em>he</em> nervous about taking San’s hand?</p><p>“Yeah…Sure,” he replied, giving his hand to San.</p><p>The boy took it as if Wooyoung’s hand was made of glass. Wooyoung looked away, knowing he was blushing.</p><p>“Are you okay?” San asked looking in front of him.</p><p>“Yes, why wouldn’t I?”</p><p>“I don’t know, I thought you were cold when I saw your pink cheeks,” San teased.</p><p>Wooyoung turned his head towards San and parted his lips. San giggled, proud of his little joke.</p><p>“You’re lucky you’re cute. It would be a shame to ruin your pretty face,” Wooyoung spoke.</p><p>“Oh because you think you can beat my ass up?”</p><p>They started bickering and bragging about their strength, not letting go of the other’s hand. It was the first time San heard Wooyoung laughed like this. His laugh was so high that people looked at them weirdly in the streets. But they both didn’t care, they were too immersed in their little world.</p><p>Finally, they found a shop that was selling decorative objects. They entered the small shop and were greeted by a couple in their thirties.</p><p>“Can we help you?” the woman asked.</p><p>“Yes, we are looking for a small vase. It’s for a small bunch of flowers,” San explained.</p><p>She nodded and gestured for them to follow her in the back of the shop. Several types of vases were laid on a huge shelving unit. Every size, colour, shape of vases was in front of them and Wooyoung couldn’t decide. He pouted, looking at them over and over again. San stared at Wooyoung and then at the vases. He grabbed a regular vase in ceramic painted in baby blue.</p><p>“I like this one,” San said, giving the vase to Wooyoung. “The colour is comforting,”</p><p>Wooyoung took it in his hands. The vase was simple but perfect. He smiled and went to pay.</p><p>After that, they walked in the streets hand in hand. They shared childhood stories, some funny and some sadder. They argued about which Harry Potter movie was the best and San found out how whipped he was for Potterhead Wooyoung. They stopped by the Han River to see the sunset. San took some beautiful pictures of the view and secretly of Wooyoung. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“I hope I was a good first date,” San said when they were in front of their flat doors.</p><p>“Hm… You were okay I guess,” Wooyoung teased before they both giggled. “I always spend a great time with you so… yes you were a good first date.”</p><p>San smiled so hard that his eyes became little crescents. Wooyoung looked at his shoes, biting his lower lip.</p><p>“I know I can’t ask the same but… was I a good date at least?” he asked in a whisper.</p><p>San approached Wooyoung and put his hand on his boyfriend’s neck. Wooyoung raised his head and met San’s eyes.</p><p>“I had a wonderful time. I couldn’t ask for a better date,” San reassured him.</p><p>“Sorry… I just keep thinking that… that nothing is new to you so I’m still a little bit nervous,”</p><p>“I understand and you don’t need to be sorry. But Wooyoung-ssi, everything is a first with you,”</p><p>Wooyoung looked into San’s orbs. He was sincere, Wooyoung could see it in his eyes.</p><p>“Thank you,” Wooyoung murmured.</p><p>San gave Wooyoung a kiss on the cheek and smiled at him.</p><p>“Goodnight Wooyoungie,” he said before stepping back towards his door.</p><p>“Goodnight Sannie,”</p><p>San disappeared in his flat. Wooyoung took a second to enter his own. He placed the vase on his coffee table and put the flowers in it.</p><p> </p><p>San was right, this colour was comforting.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You can follow me on Twitter: @tinymat_</p><p>See you soon 💙</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Black suit and tie</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Letters &amp; suits</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!</p><p>I'm back again with another chapter. It's a little shorter than the previous ones but I hope you'll like it anyway!</p><p>Enjoy reading 💙</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you ready?” San asked Wooyoung, gaze fixed on his orbs.</p><p>The boy nodded without hesitation as he held San’s hand harder. San rang the doorbell and didn’t let go of Wooyoung’s hand. It was Tuesday evening and this time they were all free. It has been a while since they had enjoyed an evening together, an evening where nothing could or would go out of control.</p><p>Jongho opened the door but couldn’t proceed to greet them. His jaw fell on the ground and his eyes wouldn’t look away from his friends holding hands. Then, something hit him as he shook his head. He ran towards the living room, letting Wooyoung and San follow him and close the door.</p><p>“Give me my money,” they heard Jongho said to his hyungs.</p><p>They started to ask what was going on. When the new couple entered the room, they all sighed and took out their wallet. Hongjoong complained that if they waited a week more, he would have won.</p><p>“You really bet on us?” Wooyoung asked outraged.</p><p>“Because <em>you</em> didn’t bet on <em>us</em>?” Seonghwa replied, referring to Hongjoong and himself.</p><p>“Fair enough,” Wooyoung admitted, crossing his arms on his chest.</p><p>They threw their coats on the worktop and sat on the couch. Wooyoung snuggled on it and San put his arm around his shoulders. It lasted for a second but Wooyoung saw a little smile on Yeosang’s face when he watched them. Wooyoung put his head on San’s shoulder and closed his eyes for a couple of seconds.</p><p>“So, when did it happen? How did it happen?” Yunho interrogated.</p><p>“Yunho-ah, don’t be intrusive,” Seonghwa ordered.</p><p>“What? Everyone knows <em>how</em> and <em>when</em> you and Hongjoong-hyung ended up together,” Yunho replied before mimicking kissing.</p><p>Hongjoong threw a cushion to Yunho who grabbed it. Wooyoung and San looked at each other, asking the other if they could share that intimate part of them with their friends.</p><p>“Maybe it’s too soon. Let them breathe a little,” Yeosang intervened.</p><p>Wooyoung mouthed to him a “thank you” to which his best friend nodded. San kissed Wooyoung on the head, something that Yunho didn’t miss.</p><p>“I’m already sick of all these couples,” Yunho complained, with a disgusted face.</p><p>“We’re only two,” Hongjoong said.</p><p>The doorbell rang and Mingi got up, throwing his phone on the table.</p><p>“Are you sure about that?”</p><p>Mingi came back into the living room with Umji. Wooyoung frowned when he saw glasses on her nose and the many plasters on her hands. He remembered her internship in an architect’s office started a week ago.</p><p>“I’m only passing by because I was ordered to give you something,” she introduced before taking envelopes from her bag. She gave one envelope to everyone except Wooyoung.</p><p>“Where’s mine?” Wooyoung asked.</p><p>“You don’t need one,”</p><p>Wooyoung frowned again and got closer to San to look at his letter. It was an invitation to an event. Wooyoung read the first words before snatching San’s invitation from his hands.</p><p>“What the fuck? When did my mom give this to you? And why she gave it to <em>you</em> instead of <em>me</em>?”</p><p>It was an invitation to his parents’ wedding anniversary. During their 26 years of marriage, Wooyoung’s parents had never celebrated their wedding anniversary. But this year was different. It wasn’t any year, it was their twenty-sixth year. Twenty-six, like Sanghoon’s lucky number. That’s why they wanted to celebrate it.</p><p>“Last night. She knew you weren’t going to invite your friends,” she answered to Wooyoung before turning her head towards Yeosang and Jongho, “Mrs Jung said she called your moms, I think your parents are going so you cannot skip it,”</p><p>Wooyoung ran a nervous hand in his hair. His mother invited his <em>new</em> friends to his <em>home</em>. Even if half of them knew things about his past - Yeosang and Jongho had witnessed everything, Wooyoung told the whole story to San not a while ago and Mingi knew things from Umji - the others didn’t. Was Wooyoung ready to tell them? Was he ready to even mentioning his late brother? He knew they would ask questions when they’d see pictures or if Sanghoon’s former friends would come and talk about him.</p><p>“She was thrilled to know you have new friends,” Umji commented.</p><p>Wooyoung poked his cheek with his tongue as his body tensed. He hated when his mother saw him as an asocial teenager. Yunho cleared his throat and said he would be happy to attend the event and added that his parents must be nice since they were inviting people they didn’t know. Hongjoong and Seonghwa agreed before Mingi passed his left arm around Umji’s waist smiling at his friend. Yeosang and Jongho added they would be glad to go too and that they haven’t see Wooyoung’s parents in a while.</p><p>“I can’t go,” San declared.</p><p>“Too scared to meet the in-laws?” Hongjoong teased.</p><p>Umji repeated “in-laws”, looking at her boyfriend. The latter shook his head, telling her he would explain it later.</p><p>“My dad called me last night. He needs some help in the studio,”</p><p>“You’re going to Namhae this weekend?” Wooyoung asked, half surprised and half disappointed.</p><p>San nodded, saying he would take the bus on Friday afternoon after his classes and come back to Seoul on Sunday. Wooyoung absently nodded. He was glad that San spent some time with his father but he was still sad that his now-boyfriend wouldn’t be there. He was too scared and not selfish enough to tell San he needed him this weekend.</p><p>“Well, I’ll go I need to sleep. Make sure to wear a nice suit this weekend,” Umji waved at them and gave Mingi a peck before leaving the flat.</p><p>Wooyoung read the invitation again. They will do a brunch on Saturday and Sunday so everyone could be available and pass by. Sanghoon loved to celebrate his team’s victories by doing brunches.</p><p>“Are you okay?” San whispered to him when he saw Wooyoung lost in his thoughts.</p><p>“Yeah, sorry I was thinking about what we should eat. Is everyone okay with <em>tteokbokki</em>?”</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  
</p><p>“I won again,” San stated without any joy or excitement.</p><p>Wooyoung’s eyes were glued on the TV screen but his mind was far away from here. San got up to switch off the PlayStation and the TV. Wooyoung startled when San grabbed the controller from his hands.</p><p>“You’re shutting yourself again,” San commented while crossing his arms against his chest.</p><p>Wooyoung wanted to deny but he didn’t want to lie either. He sighed and put his hands on his face. San went to his bed and told Wooyoung to join him. San’s bed was bigger and comfier than Wooyoung’s one. Wooyoung thought he should come over more often.</p><p>San was laying on the back and Wooyoung had his head on San’s chest. They stayed in the silence, Wooyoung listening to San’s heartbeat for a few minutes while drawing figures with his fingers on his boyfriend’s chest.</p><p>“It’s about this weekend, isn’t it?”</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t answer but San felt his body tensed.</p><p>“You know you can talk to me right? It won’t bother me and I won’t judge you.”</p><p>“I know… It’s just…”</p><p>“Still new?” San finished Wooyoung’s sentence, lowering his eyes towards him.</p><p>The younger boy nodded. San didn’t add something to that. He closed his eyes, enjoying Wooyoung’s touch and scent. He waited for him to open up, he knew he shouldn’t rush him. The last time he tried didn’t end up well…</p><p>“I don’t know if I want them to know… About my family… About Sanghoon,” Wooyoung finally spoke.</p><p>“Why?” San asked.</p><p>He never understood why Wooyoung didn’t want people to know about his brother. When Wooyoung told him, he saw that it wasn’t hurting Wooyoung anymore. Umji hurt him more than Sanghoon’s death or at least he moved on faster from his brother’s death than from Umji leaving him.</p><p>“I don’t want them to look at me with pity. I don’t want to feel weak in their eyes,” he almost murmured. “People always saw me as the kid who lost his brother in Ilsan. The little boy who’s hurting and that we shouldn’t rush. I don’t want my friends to see me like this,”</p><p>San moved back and looked at him. He grabbed Wooyoung’s chin so they can see the other’s eyes.</p><p>“Wooyoung, you’re everything but weak,” San first replied, “Telling that you were once sad and hurt doesn’t make you weak. Having a sad story doesn’t mean you’re broken,”</p><p>Wooyoung looked away. San searched for Wooyoung’s eyes. The boy eventually moved his gaze towards his boyfriend.</p><p>“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You lost your brother when you were so young but you managed to live anyway. I don’t think I’d be able to do that if something happened to my sister,” San admitted, “We all have siblings and I’m sure that’s what they will think too if they were to know about Sanghoon,”</p><p>Wooyoung took a deep breath and moved closer to San to hug him.</p><p>“Thank you,”</p><p>“I’m only saying the truth,” he said, wrapping his arms around Wooyoung.</p><p>“I know but… How can you have the right words <em>every</em> time?”</p><p>San chuckled, making Wooyoung’s heart flutter.</p><p>“I don’t know but I’m glad my words are comforting enough to make you feel better,”</p><p>Wooyoung looked at San’s face for a couple of seconds. He took the time to admire every detail, from his crescent eyes to his thin pink lips passing by his straight nose. Wooyoung skimmed his cheek, where the three moles settled in a triangle lied. He approached his face to San’s. Their faces were so close that their lips were brushing.</p><p>“Now switch on the TV so I can beat your ass up,” Wooyoung whispered.</p><p>San’s eyes widened as Wooyoung moved back, passing his tongue on his lower lip. <em>Jung Wooyoung, you would be the death of me</em>, San thought before getting up to switch on the TV.</p><p> </p><p>The two remaining days flowed like stars. As always, Wooyoung prepared his stuff just before leaving and prayed he didn’t miss anything. He grabbed his bag and walked towards the station to meet the others. If they weren’t seven they would have taken Seonghwa’s car to go but they took the bus to Ilsan.</p><p>Wooyoung took his phone to send a text to San. He still had two hours to go and he was bored as hell.</p><p><b>San</b>: It’s a shame I wouldn’t see you in that black suit and tie.</p><p>Wooyoung blushed and restrained a giggle. When San passed by last night, he saw the black suit hanging on the clothes rack. He stayed quiet for a few minutes before shoving Wooyoung by compliments about how good he would look in this.</p><p><b>Wooyoung</b>: Who said I need a special occasion to wear a suit for you?</p><p><b>San</b>: You’re playing a dangerous game.</p><p><b>Wooyoung</b>: I didn’t say anything…</p><p>Yeosang put his head on Wooyoung’s shoulder and Wooyoung put his phone in his pocket. He looked at his friend and noticed the dark circles around his eyes. He took his jacket off and told Yeosang to use it as a blanket. He also suggested him to put his head on his lap and not on his shoulder. His best friend didn’t refuse the offers and took a nap on Wooyoung’s lap. Wooyoung looked at the landscape and eventually fell asleep as well.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>They arrived in front of Wooyoung’s house. It was cloudy and chilly but at least it wasn’t raining. Wooyoung’s mother opened the door for them and greeted all the boys by hugging them. They thanked her for the invitation and bowed. She smiled at them, saying she was the one to be thankful because they were taking care of her son. She frowned when she noticed they were seven and not eight.</p><p>“San couldn’t come, he told me to apologise but he had to go to his family’s this weekend,” Wooyoung explained.</p><p>“San… Isn’t he your boyfriend?” she asked.</p><p>Yunho and Hongjoong held a laugh while the others looked around, pretending not hearing anything. Wooyoung sighed but agreed. Mrs Jung didn’t say anything about that and explained to the boys that they will sleep in the living room. It was when she said that that Wooyoung noticed several mattresses on the floor, enough for all of them. She told them they could use the bathroom and that they must need a shower after the trip. They all thanked her and went to take a little shower one at a time.</p><p>Then, they decided to eat in the garden. It was dark and there was a cold wind but it was pleasurable. Wooyoung’s parents placed a huge table for the brunch of the weekend and even put a garden shed in case it would rain. Mrs Jung made fried chicken, rice and ramyeon for all of them. She told Wooyoung that everything was in the fridge so he served everyone.</p><p>“I didn’t know you have a brother,” Hongjoong stated, looking at Wooyoung, before putting rice in his mouth.</p><p>Wooyoung froze, his chopsticks between his bowl and his mouth.</p><p>“Hyung, please don’t,” Mingi softly demanded.</p><p>Hongjoong frowned, not understanding why it was a sensitive topic. Wooyoung cleared his throat while dropping the ramyeon in his bowl before putting his chopsticks aside. They were all looking at him. Hongjoong, Yunho and Seonghwa were confused, not understanding how and when the atmosphere changed so quickly. Yeosang, Jongho and Mingi were worried if not uncomfortable.</p><p>“I… I don’t talk about him because he’s… Because he’s dead,”</p><p>Their faces crumpled. Hongjoong’s mouth fell open, a small sound leaving his lips to show how shocked he was. Seonghwa stared at him, his orbs analyzing every emotion that could be read on Wooyoung’s face. Yunho stuttered to ask him what happened to him even if Mingi told him not to ask questions.</p><p>So, Wooyoung related the story again. He didn’t hide anything. Not his sadness, not his anger, not how he shielded himself or his fears. He poured his heart out as he did with San. He felt comfortable enough to expose this part of him and he hoped he wouldn’t regret it.</p><p>Why was it so easy now? Because he stopped listening to his head to listen to his heart again. He was ready to feel, to care and to be happy again. He knew it couldn’t be this 13-year-old kid again but he could be better than that.</p><p>“I can’t imagine how hard it was. I don’t know if I would have been able to keep going if I lost my brother,” Seonghwa said with teary eyes.</p><p>
  <em>You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You lost your brother when you were so young but you managed to live anyway. I don’t think I’d be able to do that if something happened to my sister. We all have siblings and I’m sure that’s what they will think too if they were to know about Sanghoon.</em>
</p><p>Wooyoung gave him a weak smile. He added that it was okay now.</p><p>“Was Umji dating Wooyoung’s brother?” Yunho asked Mingi.</p><p>The latter nodded. Wooyoung realised he had never talked with Mingi about this. He wondered how Mingi felt about all of that. He told himself that he should ask his friend someday, not now though.</p><p>Yeosang put a hand on Wooyoung’s shoulder. The black-haired boy looked at his best friend and smiled at him, convincing him that he was okay.</p><p>“Eat before it gets cold,” Yeosang ordered.</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t say anything but eat. They all finished their plate while speaking about everything and anything. Wooyoung wanted to take his phone from his pocket but dropped it on the grass. He went under the table to take it but noticed a ring. He frowned, it wasn’t his nor his mom’s or his dad’s. He took it with his phone and put everything in his pocket.</p><p>They cleared the table and Jongho helped Wooyoung to wash the dishes. Around 11 PM, Seonghwa came into the kitchen to tell Wooyoung someone rang the doorbell. Puzzled, Wooyoung dried his hands before going to open the door.</p><p>His heart skipped a beat when he locked his eyes with the young man standing in front of him.</p><p>“Y… Yeonjun-ah?” he achieved to pronounce.</p><p>“Long time, no see”</p><p>Wooyoung felt like he was thirteen again. His heart pondered in his chest as it did in the old days. Like when he saw Yeonjun after school. Like when Yeonjun gave him his first kiss.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Do I have atinymoa readers? Hope you liked this little guest.<br/>You can follow me on Twitter: @tinymat_</p><p>See you soon 💙</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Mine. Yours.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Meat &amp; Memories</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!</p><p>I tried my best for this chapter, hope you'll like it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wooyoung stared at his former friend that he hasn’t seen for years. Back then, Yeonjun a little bit taller than Wooyoung with a black bowl cut. Here, Yeonjun was way taller than Wooyoung, almost as tall as Yunho and Mingi. His hair was longer and darker, styled in a sort of mullet. He still had those pink pouty lips and sparkling eyes.</p><p>“What… What are you doing here?” Wooyoung finally managed to ask.</p><p>“I think I lost one of my rings when I came earlier,” he paused “I helped your mother putting the tables in the garden so I might have lost it there,”</p><p>Wooyoung searched in his pockets to take the ring he found in the garden when they were eating. He showed it to Yeonjun, asking him if it was the ring he was looking for. The young man smiled and nodded. Wooyoung handed him the ring which Yeonjun took but brushed his fingers with Wooyoung’s. It wasn’t intentional but it felt weird to Wooyoung.</p><p>“Sorry for coming this late, I could have waited tomorrow but…” Yeonjun started while putting the ring on his finger, not looking at Wooyoung.</p><p>“Don’t worry. We weren’t asleep and… It seems that that ring is important to you so… that’s okay, really,” Wooyoung replied with a soft smile.</p><p>Yeonjun smiled brightly at him. <em>How could Wooyoung have erased that view from his memory?</em></p><p>“Thank you,” he looked around, “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” Yeonjun said still smiling.</p><p>Wooyoung nodded with a dumb smile on his face too. Yeonjun moved back and said goodbye to Wooyoung who waved at him. Wooyoung closed the door and came back into the living room. All the boys were laying or sitting on the mattresses. Jongho turned his head towards Wooyoung to ask him who was at the door at this hour.</p><p>“Yeonjun-ah.” Wooyoung simply answered.</p><p>“Yeonjun-ah? Choi Yeonjun?” Yeosang echoed.</p><p>“Who’s that?” Yunho asked, eyebrows frowned.</p><p>“He’s…” Yeosang started before getting cut off by Wooyoung.</p><p>“No one. We were in middle school together.”</p><p>“What did he want at this hour?” Seonghwa asked, stroking Hongjoong’s hair who was sleeping on his lap.</p><p>Wooyoung explained the ring’s story and they all nodded, not saying much. Wooyoung excused himself, saying he was sleepy. They all said good night to each other and Wooyoung switched off the light of the living room before going to his room.</p><p>He took his phone. He sighed when he saw he had texts from San.</p><p><b>San</b>: I’m at my parent’s house. Have you eaten already?</p><p><b>San</b>: Bet you forgot your charger this time.</p><p><b>San</b>: I’m going to bed. Sleep well pretty boy.</p><p>The boy put his phone on the nightstand before switching off the lights. He didn’t put the blind down, enjoying the moonlight. Wooyoung stared at the ceiling, lost in his thoughts. The only thing he could see was Yeonjun’s face.</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t know what he was feeling. He was confused. Seeing Yeonjun felt like he saw a ghost from another past life. He couldn’t understand how he could have forgotten him. He didn’t see or heard about him for years but Yeonjun wasn’t <em>no one</em>.</p><p>Yeonjun used to be one of Wooyoung’s best friend. They met in middle school and they became an inseparable trio with Yeosang. That time of his life, where his brother was still alive, was blurry in Wooyoung’s memory. But something was starting to get clearer. When he saw Yeonjun, he remembered how fast his heart was beating when his friend looked at him. He remembered how bad he felt for not understanding what was happening to him. Why did he find his friend attractive? Why couldn’t he focus on anything other than his lips when he was speaking? Why was he blushing when Yeonjun was too closed to him?</p><p>Then, Sanghoon died. Wooyoung put all of those weird and unexplainable feelings in a box that he kept hidden. He started to act cold with everyone, even Yeonjun. He couldn’t even look at his face anymore. Like all his friends, Yeonjun noticed Wooyoung was pushing everyone away and like Yeosang or Jongho, he couldn’t accept it.</p><p>So, one day, Yeonjun took on purpose one of Wooyoung’s books. Wooyoung couldn’t remember if it was a math book or an English book but it didn’t matter. He remembered going to Yeonjun’s place because Yeonjun didn’t want to go to Wooyoung’s. He remembered how they argued because of Wooyoung’s attitude. Wooyoung didn’t remember what they said to each other, but he could feel his heart squeeze, recalling how angry and hurt he was back then. He remembered that Yeonjun grabbed him by his hoodie. He thought his friend was going to hit him. In a way, Yeonjun did.</p><p>Yeonjun hit Wooyoung’s heart when he crushed his lips on Wooyoung’s. Wooyoung stopped breathing and couldn’t proceed to kiss him back. Yeonjun pulled back, his eyes were empty. Wooyoung looked at him, bewildered. Without thinking, his legs moved and he ran away. He heard Yeonjun called him but he didn’t come back, not even to take that stupid book he was supposed to pick up.</p><p>A few days later, Yeonjun left their school. His parents wanted him to go to study in the United States. Wooyoung, too scared, never came to say goodbye to him. He didn’t send him a text. He acted like a coward but how was he supposed to act? <em>What was I supposed to do?</em> Wooyoung asked himself before falling asleep.</p><hr/><p> </p><p>The next morning was rough to Wooyoung. His eyes were puffy and he had a headache. Wooyoung tried to find his glasses in his bag but he realised that he forgot them. He took his phone and saw the messages he didn’t reply to last night.</p><p><b>Wooyoung</b>: Sorry, I fell asleep.</p><p><b>Wooyoung</b>: I didn’t forget my charger but I may have forgotten my glasses…</p><p>He rubbed his eyes and went downstairs where most of the boys were still sleeping. Both he and Jongho helped his mother to prepare for the party. In the meantime, the boys woke up and helped too. When they were done, they all went to shower and dress up. Umji arrived when they were all ready and half an hour before the first guests. Like Mingi, she was wearing a dark blue suit. Wooyoung softly smiled, thinking about how Umji used to dye her hair in that colour.</p><p>They all gathered in the garden, under the bright sun. Wooyoung took his phone but San didn’t reply to him. He pouted and put his phone away. Yeosang approached him with a glass of soda.</p><p>“Are you okay?” he asked concerned to which Wooyoung simply nodded, “I know you don’t really like this type of events so I wanted to check on you,”</p><p>“Don’t worry, it’s fine. Thank you Yeosangie,”</p><p>They exchanged a smile but something caught Yeosang’s attention.</p><p>“Yeonjun-ah is already here,”</p><p>Wooyoung turned around. Yeonjun was even more handsome in the daylight. His suit made him fitter and taller. The small boy gulped when Yeonjun made eye contact with him. He met Jongho who started to talk to him and the other boys. Wooyoung understood they were introducing themselves and he didn’t know why this idea was making him uncomfortable.</p><p>“Wooyoungie?” a male voice echoed.</p><p>Wooyoung turned on his right and saw three men. It took him a few seconds to recognise them.</p><p>“Hoon-hyung?” Wooyoung asked with his eyebrows frowned.</p><p>Min Hoon, Park Junseo and Yun Daejung, his brother’s friends. Hoon and Daejung were also in the local football team with Sanghoon. Junseo always tagged along with them and cheered for them during games.</p><p>“Did we become that old for you not to recognise us?” Daejung commented.</p><p>Junseo, who has always been touchy-feely, moved forward to hug Wooyoung. Hoon tousled the youngest’s hair, laughing at Wooyoung who hadn't grown that much, not as much as he claimed he would.</p><p>“You two aren’t kids anymore, it hits hard,” Junseo added when he looked at both Wooyoung and Yeosang.</p><p>Wooyoung hadn’t seen them since they left for college almost ten years ago. They were adults now. Hoon was a math teacher, Junseo a lawyer in family law and Daejung a community manager. The two younger boys were surprised when Daejung said he was engaged. He and his fiancee wanted to have the time to prepare everything so they decided to get married next year, in June.</p><p>“I remember your brother said he wanted to marry Umji in June. He always said that it was the best season to get married,” Daejung explained, being nervous about Wooyoung’s reaction.</p><p>“Yeah, he always teased our parents for getting married in February, when it’s cold,” Wooyoung smiled.</p><p>All five boys softly smiled. Even after all those years, Sanghoon was still with them. It was weird to talk about him sometimes but it felt good. It felt good to know he didn’t completely disappear even if Wooyoung missed his brother.</p><p>“Is that our local model?” Hoon exclaimed to someone who was approaching them.</p><p>Wooyoung turned around and saw Yeonjun.</p><p>“My sister showed me the pictures of Fashion Week. You’re something else Choi Yeonjun-ah,” Junseo praised him, hitting his shoulder softly.</p><p>The model smiled shyly and thanked his elders. The three men excused themselves to go to see Umji, who was clinging onto Mingi, and Jongho.</p><p>“So, you’re a Fashion Week model now? A lot of things happened since middle school!” Yeosang tried to lighten the mood before it could become thick.</p><p>“Yeah, a lot of things happened,” Yeonjun agreed, rubbing the back of his neck.</p><p>“Well, we can catch up while eating? Let’s go get some meat” Yeosang left them no choice but grabbed their arms and went near the big table where everyone was serving themselves.</p><p>The former trio joined the other boys to eat. Wooyoung kept looking at his phone but he hadn’t any response from his boyfriend. He put his phone away again and focused on what Yeonjun was saying, like the others. Yeonjun and Hongjoong got along well, both fashion enthusiasts. Sometimes, Yeosang or Yeonjun shared a childhood story about middle school. Wooyoung didn’t mind now that his friends knew about his brother. He wasn’t ashamed or uncomfortable about his past.</p><p>When the sun started setting, Wooyoung’s parents put a huge cake on the big table. Wooyoung took his phone to film his parents cutting the cake and playing with the icing. He smiled brightly watching his parents laughing. After everything they went through, they were still living and happy. Maybe they were able to survive because they had each other? Maybe being loved and loving makes everything easier? Maybe love was the key to happiness?</p><p>“Your parents are really strong and beautiful,” Seonghwa whispered to Wooyoung.</p><p>He couldn’t agree more. </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The party ended a few hours later. The sky was dark when they finished cleaning up everything. After cleaning the table, Wooyoung got changed and took his laptop to work in the garden. He wanted to make a film for his parents. A film with their family, even if some videos and photos were hard to watch. He rubbed his eyes and cursed himself for forgetting his glasses at his place.</p><p>“What are you doing?” a voice shouted.</p><p>Wooyoung looked towards the source of the voice and saw Yeonjun going out in the garden, hands in the pockets of his padded coat.</p><p>“Trying to make a film for my parents but it’s hard without my glasses,” Wooyoung replied before looking at the screen again.</p><p>Yeonjun nodded and went to sit next to his former friend. He looked at the screen, all the images and videos seemed so messy to him.</p><p>“This is way different from your first films,” Yeonjun joked.</p><p>Wooyoung chuckled. He remembered his old films that must be somewhere on an external hard drive. They started talking about those that were masterpiece to them back then but would awful to their eyes today. Wooyoung resumed his work and Yeonjun stayed beside him, watching him work.</p><p>“Are you going to watch me work?” Wooyoung asked, focused on his task.</p><p>“Yes. Do I make you nervous?” </p><p>Wooyoung didn’t know why it seemed familiar. He swore he had a similar conversation with someone but couldn’t remember with who or when he did.</p><p>“No, but I hope it won’t be boring for you,”</p><p>“Don’t worry about that,”</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t reply anything. They stayed in silence for a few minutes. Yeonjun gazed at Wooyoung and not at the screen anymore. He studied Wooyoung’s face, or at least what he could see because some unruly locks were blocking his view. Yeonjun looked away, biting his lower lip.</p><p>“I need to tell you something,” Yeonjun stated before Wooyoung looked at him again, “I was in love with you,”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Back in middle school, I was in love with you but I didn’t know it until… until I kissed you,” Yeonjun explained while Wooyoung’s lips parted. “I was angry at myself for doing that. I lost you by doing this. I was so angry at myself for losing my best friend… I… My mom found me in my room after you left and she asked me what happened. I told her and…” he spoke fast before shutting himself.</p><p>He looked away. He couldn’t stare at Wooyoung and was fighting back tears. Wooyoung leaned forward. He tried to make Yeonjun look at him. His heart pounded wildly in his chest.</p><p>“And what, Yeonjun?” he softly echoed.</p><p>Yeonjun took a deep breath with his eyes closed. Then, he dared to look at Wooyoung.</p><p>“She said nothing and left. When my father came back from work, she told him. I know she did because they started screaming and he came into my room.” He took a shaky breath with teary eyes. “He beat me up and called me a freak. He might have said other horrible things but my brain isn’t ready to remember yet,”</p><p>“Yeonjun-ah…”</p><p>“That’s why they sent me to the US. I’ve never wanted to go but they thought that if I left Korea, it will somehow heal me. Like loving boys was a disease,”</p><p>Yeonjun’s eyes were glued on his lap. He only looked up when Wooyoung put his hand on his.</p><p>“You’re not a freak. The only freaks in that story are your parents. Because you have to be really disturbed to call someone a freak because they love someone else,” he paused “I’m sorry I wasn’t there back then to help you,”</p><p>“It’s okay now. They… They got used to it I guess,”</p><p>“I’m glad to hear,”</p><p>They exchanged a shy smile.</p><p>“And… You didn’t lose me back then. I freaked out because… I liked you. I didn’t think you liked me too.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I’m sorry for not telling you that back then. If I did, maybe things would have been different and maybe it would have avoided all that… pain and suffering,”</p><p>“Don’t be sorry, we were kids. We didn’t know what we were doing,”</p><p>They looked at each other for a few seconds. Their faces were six inches apart. Wooyoung looked at Yeonjun’s dark orbs before looking at his pink plumped lips. <em>We didn’t know what we were doing back then but we know what we are doing right now</em>, Wooyoung thought. Yeonjun moved forward, putting his hand on Wooyoung’s cheek. Wooyoung startled at his touch and pulled back.</p><p>“I have a boyfriend,” he declared.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I’m sorry if I gave you wrong ideas but I have a boyfriend,” he apologised before standing up and taking his laptop. “I think you should go. We finished cleaning anyway”</p><p>He was going to leave but he felt Yeonjun hand on his arm. He turned around, facing a heart-broken Yeonjun.</p><p>“No, Wooyoung, wait. I’m sorry, I…” Yeonjun pleaded.</p><p>“Let go of me,”</p><p>His tone was soft. He didn’t want to hurt his feelings but he had to put some distance between them.</p><p>“Please don’t leave again,” Yeonjun’s voice broke.</p><p>“Let him go,” a low voice snapped.</p><p>Wooyoung got goosebumps when he recognised that voice. He turned around to check that he wasn’t dreaming but he was right. San was standing at the entrance of the garden.</p><p>“Wha-Who are you?” Yeonjun asked.</p><p>“Did I stutter or are you deaf? Let my boyfriend go or else you will know who I am.”</p><p>Yeonjun gulped and let go of Wooyoung’s arm. He almost ran away from them. San watched him leave and approached Wooyoung. He took him in his arms before cupping Wooyoung’s face in his hands and ask him if he was okay.</p><p>“Yes, don’t worry. I know how to protect myself but I have to admit that that was hot,”</p><p>San chuckled and hugged him tighter.</p><p>“Sorry if I didn’t reply to your text. I was on my way and I didn’t want to ruin the surprise,”</p><p>Wooyoung laughed. They decide to join the others, who knew San would come tonight, and they watched a film in the living room. Wooyoung snuggled in San’s arms and everything seemed better.</p><hr/><p> </p><p>After the film, they decided it was time to sleep. Wooyoung offered San to share his bed with him to which Yunho made a nasty comment. Wooyoung didn’t miss Yunho’s face with a cushion.</p><p>Wooyoung decided to finish his film while San took a shower. He opened his laptop and almost got blinded by the light.</p><p>“Oh, I almost forgot,” San exclaimed before going through his bag, “Here, it will be better,”</p><p>San handed him a glasses case, Wooyoung’s glasses case.</p><p>“You went to my flat to get them?”</p><p>“Yes, I had time between the two buses. I don’t want my boyfriend to become blind, it would be a shame for him not to be able to see me,”</p><p>Wooyoung rolled his eyes and sighed.</p><p>“I almost thought you were cute,” he answered, putting his glasses on his nose.</p><p>San chuckled and went to shower while Wooyoung finished his film. He waited for the film to load and looked inside San’s bag. He saw a book and opened it. It seemed to be a French volume of poetry. He turned the pages, trying to read some of the words but couldn’t understand them. The door opened and San entered the room. Wooyoung showed him the book, asking him to read the poem titled “Paris at night”. San smiled and sat on the bed to read the poem.</p><p>“What does that mean?” Wooyoung asked San when he finished reading the few lines.</p><p>“Three matches one by one lit in the night. The first to see your whole face,” he started while sliding one finger across Wooyoung’s jawline, “The second to see your eyes. The last one to see your mouth,” he continued, putting his thumb on Wooyoung’s lower lip, “And all the darkness to remind me of all these. As I hold you in my arms.”</p><p>San moved forward so their noses were touching. They looked into each other’s orbs. Wooyoung felt San’s hand on his cheek getting hotter, or maybe it was his cheek that was getting hotter. He still hadn’t any answers to his questions. Were San’s lips soft? What do they taste like? Something sweet as honey, like his personality? Something fresh as mint, cold as his first appearance? Wooyoung was tired of these unanswered questions.</p><p>“I allow you. I allow you to kiss me,” Wooyoung croaked.</p><p>San didn’t wait one second to crush his lips on Wooyoung’s. They both fell an electric shock and pulled back. They looked at each other and kissed again. They filled the other’s lungs and breath the other out. They didn’t want to stop even if they were out of breath. They wanted their lips to dance together all night, forever.</p><p>They eventually pulled away, catching their breath, red lips parted. They didn’t have to voice it, they could see it in the other’s eyes. They were both thinking that their first kiss was worth the wait.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>For the curious ones, the poem is "Paris at Night" by Jacques Prévert.<br/>I'd love to know what you think about the chapter so please tell me in the comments. You can also follow me on Twitter: @tinymat_</p><p>See you soon 💙</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Honeymoon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Will the honeymoon last?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello!</p><p>I wanted to post sooner but I couldn't write. I had a hard time writing this chapter and I hope you will like it. </p><p>Feel free to tell me what you think, even if you don't have anything to say that "I liked it/I didn't like it". It's always good to receive feedback. If you want to give me that feedback privately/anonymously, you can dm me on Twitter (@tinymat_) or sending me something on CuriousCat (tinymat).</p><p>Enjoy reading 💙</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> This is a story about two boys. The first bumped into the other one at school. He apologises but the other boy doesn’t answer, he doesn’t even notice him. But the first one, he </em>does<em> notice the second boy. He finds himself thinking about him, asking himself questions about that boy. What’s his name? What does he like? What does he dislike? What does he eat for breakfast?</em></p><p>Wooyoung read the plot again. When he first got the idea of that story, he didn’t realise what that meant. He thought that it was <em>innocent</em>. But, now, he understood that everything he felt or thought about San has never been innocent. This story wasn’t supposed to be about love, neither did his story with San.</p><p>“Will he have his answers?” a girl asked.</p><p>A little smile curved on Wooyoung’s lips. It was the first day of the filming of his short film. He, the students in Cinema and one of his professors were in an empty Seoulite high school. More than half of the film would be recorded that day. The rest would be filmed next weekend.</p><p>“Well… It will be up to the viewers,” Wooyoung responded, rubbing the back of his neck.</p><p>“You, writers, are really frustrating,” a boy commented.</p><p>Wooyoung chuckled but that boy wasn’t wrong.</p><p>“I like open endings,” he simply said back.</p><p>The old Wooyoung hated open endings. The old Wooyoung needed to know where he was going and why. However, the new Wooyoung, the one who promised himself to struggle with his fears rather than be regretful, liked the idea of an open ending. He was still scared to move forward in the dark but the light shines the brightest in the darkest shadows, right?</p><p>Once everyone put on a high school uniform, they would be able to start. It was the first time Wooyoung was going to direct something. He filmed things before but he never needed to tell anyone to do something. It was new to him but oddly, everything seemed natural. He felt like he was <em>born</em> to do this and it felt absolutely good. For the first time, Wooyoung found his place. He was relieved to finally understand what he was supposed to do. What a great feeling to be good at something, to know what to do without even asking yourself what to do.</p><p>The morning flowed and after the lunch break, they were on the rooftop to record the last scene. Seungwon, who portrayed the second boy, was admiring the view. The wind was blowing some strokes of his blond hair and the cold sun was giving a beautiful glow to his honey skin. He turned his gaze to the camera when he heard the door of the stairs being opened. Then, Wooyoung had to film Youngsik, the first boy. Youngsik, immersed in his character, froze when he saw Seungwon here. As the script said, his eyes grew bigger and he looked like he forgot how to breathe. His pink plumped lips separated to let escape a small voice.</p><p>“You’re here,” Youngsik mutters.</p><p>After that, the camera focused on Seungwon, again.</p><p>“Were you looking for me?” Seungwon replied with a daring expression.</p><p>Wooyoung was lucky his best friend was obsessed with drones. Thanks to Yeosang, Wooyoung could also film the last scene from above to have a great shot of the two boys. At the end of the afternoon, they called it a day. Wooyoung’s professor, who stayed all day, complimented him on his work, saying he was going to do great things. Our budding director left the high school with a ray of beautiful sunshine skimming his face and a light heart.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>As cliché as it may sound, San gave Wooyoung the best kisses he could wish for. Their lips melted as if they were created to fit together. Wooyoung couldn’t stop kissing San. It was his new addiction - before coffee. They spent half an hour making out on San’s bed. One always trying to be over the other. They would stop not even a minute to breathe before kissing each other again. They rolled up over and over again and then…</p><p><em> Bonk</em>.</p><p>“Wooyoungie, are you okay?” San exclaimed, looking at Wooyoung’s body laying on the floor next to the bed.</p><p>San’s lover made a noise, indicating that he was okay but he didn’t move.</p><p>“Can you stand up by yourself?”</p><p>“Yeah. I’ll just… stay here… for a few seconds… to… think.”</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t bother to open his eyes. He already pictured San’s face going from concern to amusement.</p><p>“To think? To think about what?”</p><p>They both laughed. Wooyoung stood up slowly before climbing on the bed. He tried to kiss San but the latter moved back.</p><p>“I thought you should get ready to meet Jongho,” San justified himself.</p><p>“Yeah, in 10 minutes,”</p><p>Wooyoung tried again to kiss San and San put his palm against Wooyoung’s lips.</p><p>“You already said that 10 minutes ago,”</p><p>“Fine,” Wooyoung sighed and moved back.</p><p>The boy went to pick his shoes when San’s phone rang. The latter frowned when he looked at the screen.</p><p>“Is everything okay?” Wooyoung asked while tying his shoelaces.</p><p>San took less than a minute before making eye contact with Wooyoung.</p><p>“Yeah, don’t worry,” he answered with a cute smile with his dimples showing.</p><p>Wooyoung simply nodded and stood up. He took his jacket and was ready to go. San grabbed him by the waist and pulled him closer.</p><p>“Are you free after your classes tomorrow?” San asked.</p><p>“I have some stuff to do for school but I can manage my time. Why?”</p><p>“My mom got free tickets to go to the COEX Aquarium. I thought it’d be cool to go tomorrow night,”</p><p>Now that San offered this, Wooyoung realised they went to only one date. He didn’t know if it was normal or not. Even if he liked their routine, it was true he wanted to go out sometimes. He was afraid San would be bored easily or just wanted something physical with him. But, Wooyoung didn’t have any idea of what a great date could be. He didn’t want to propose something they wouldn’t both enjoy.</p><p>“A date in Gangnam? How can I refuse?” Wooyoung rejoiced, rolling his arms around San’s neck.</p><p>Wooyoung gave a peck to San and smiled.</p><p>“I’ll pick you at 7 then,” San excitedly voiced.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“You want me to help you buy a <em>what</em>?” Wooyoung shouted.</p><p>Jongho sighed while taking the bridge of his nose. He already regretted asking help from his <em>hyung</em>.</p><p>“I need your help to buy a camera,” Jongho repeated, annoyed.</p><p>“Why do you,” Wooyoung started before getting cut off by his friend.</p><p>“It’s not for me. It’s for my girlfriend,”</p><p>“For your <b><em>what</em></b>?” Wooyoung yelled.</p><p>People looked at them weirdly and Wooyoung apologised. Jongho sighed again and walked towards the shop that was selling cameras and phones.</p><p>“You really have a girlfriend?” Wooyoung whispered.</p><p>“Why are you so surprised? Am I not attractive?” Jongho frowned.</p><p>“No, I mean… You are… but… It’s just that,”</p><p>“Stop, you’re embarrassing me,” Jongho stopped him, raising his hand between them.</p><p>They entered the shop and Jongho looked for the right section. Wooyoung tried hard to follow him.</p><p>The fact that Jongho had a girlfriend wasn’t shocking Wooyoung, on the contrary. Wooyoung always thought Jongho was popular among girls. He was handsome, nice, smart and fit. He also had a beautiful voice when he was singing. But, Wooyoung was surprised that Jongho didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t expect his <em>dongsaeng</em> to gush about that girl but at least saying he was into someone like he used to do before.</p><p>“Is she a beginner? You don’t have to buy a camera if she is starting,” Wooyoung explained to break the silence.</p><p>“She is but she wants to upgrade the quality of her pictures. To be honest I didn’t understand everything she said,”</p><p>Wooyoung hummed, nodding. He looked around the section for ten to fifteen minutes before finding the perfect camera. It wasn’t expensive but effective. He explained the mechanics to Jongho, so he would be able to explain everything to his girlfriend after that.</p><p>The older boy decided to treat his friend a meal when they went out of the shop. When they sat in the restaurant, Wooyoung realised he couldn’t remember when was the last time he saw Jongho. Maybe that was why he didn’t tell anything because they weren’t as close as they were. But, Wooyoung didn’t know what or when their friendship changed.</p><p>“Are you going to stay in your head or will you tell me what’s wrong?” Jongho asked before biting in his burger.</p><p>“Sorry, I just… I just feel like we’re not as close as before,”</p><p>Jongho sipped his drink before nodding.</p><p>“You’re right, I think we’re closer now,”</p><p>“What? That’s not what I meant. I just realised how bad I am actually. Like I don’t ask news, I don’t propose to hang out and I’m also very bad at comforting people,”</p><p>“Hyung. That’s not making you a bad friend.”</p><p>Wooyoung pouted, he wasn’t convinced.</p><p>“And you know… a month ago, you would have brushed my question.”</p><p><em>Are you going to stay in your head or will you tell me what’s wrong? </em>Wooyoung didn’t hesitate to speak his mind. He smiled at that idea. He was opening himself again.</p><p>“You opened up, that’s why I feel closer to you,”</p><p>Wooyoung nodded, smiley. Jongho gave him a smile back. This kind of view reminded Wooyoung of the old days. He remembered a little kid who worshipped his brother. He remembered how Jongho admired Sanghoon, as Wooyoung did. Wooyoung didn’t expect Jongho to stay around after Sanghoon’s death. He was Sanghoon’s friend after all.</p><p>He would always remember when Jongho kept coming to his house to hang out. One day, he got angry because he thought Jongho was doing all of this for pity. He thought Jongho was seeing him like the others did, like the boy who lost his brother. <em>But you’re also my friend Wooyoungie-hyung. I don’t want to lose you too,</em> 12-year-old Jongho said.</p><p>Jongho never left, even if Wooyoung and he were total opposites. He took care of his hyung. Jongho was the little brother Wooyoung never had.</p><p>“So, tell me about that girl,” Wooyoung ordered.</p><p>“What do you want to know?”</p><p>“Everything,” Wooyoung first said, “No, not everything. I don’t want to know anything about your sex life,”</p><p>“Ew, I wasn’t going to tell you anything about that.”</p><p>Wooyoung laughed at Jongho’s disgusted face. The younger boy explained that his relationship was new but that he actually liked that girl since day one. When Wooyoung asked him why he didn’t ask her out sooner, Jongho explained that he wasn’t aware of his feelings.</p><p>“Like you and Sannie-hyung,” he added. “Everyone knew about what you both felt for each other except you two,”</p><p>It would be a lie to say that Wooyoung didn’t find San attractive when he first saw him. But, did he feel something for him? Something other than desire? He couldn’t tell yet.</p><p>“Don’t know if we can compare our cases,”</p><p>“Because you haven’t figured out your feelings?”</p><p>Jongho was genuinely asking. It wasn’t like those rhetoric questions Yeosang would ask. Wooyoung sighed.</p><p>“It’s still new to me. I prefer to not answer this kind of questions,”</p><p><em>I’m scared of being hurt</em>, Wooyoung wanted to say. It was still early to tell that he knew San enough to know that he wouldn’t hurt him. San could say the same thing about Wooyoung and the latter wouldn’t be angry at that. He even wondered if you could really know someone <em>that</em> much to be sure they wouldn’t hurt you, on purpose or not.</p><p>“You’re right. I can’t believe you’re in a relationship.” Jongho added.</p><p>“Why? Am I not attractive?” Wooyoung asked, proud of his imitation.</p><p>“First, you’re not my type. Second, stop playing dumb when you know what I meant,”</p><p>“You’re not funny,”</p><p>“And you’re annoying,”</p><p>“Then why are you hanging out with me?”</p><p>“Free food, that’s the only reason,”</p><p>Wooyoung laughed, with that high-pitched laugh he found again a few weeks ago. That high-pitched laugh showed how happy he was. How happy he was to allow himself to feel again. Jongho giggled too but when their laughs faded away, he couldn’t help but frown.</p><p>“What are you thinking about?”</p><p>Jongho didn’t meet the eyes of his <em>hyung</em>. He kept playing with the straw of his drink, shaking his head. Wooyoung lowered his head to make eye contact with his friend. Jongho eventually raised his orbs and met Wooyoung’s concerned face.</p><p>“I have a match in two weeks. We’re playing against Yonsei University.”</p><p>Sanghoon applied to that university. They received his admission letter a few weeks after his death.</p><p>“It’s rare but, sometimes, I think about how our lives would have been if he was still here,” Jongho whispered, scared to be heard.</p><p>Wooyoung nodded. He thought about it often too, especially these days, since he found the journal.</p><p>“I think about that too, pretty often actually. But Jongho-ah, don’t torture yourself with these thoughts,”</p><p>Jongho nodded making some strokes of his bangs fell on his eyes. He ran his hand in his hair and sighed.</p><p>“It was weird to be with everyone last time, in Ilsan. But it was nice.”</p><p>Wooyoung hummed. He thought about Yeonjun. He wondered if he went back to the States or if he stayed in South Korea. He should have gone to him the day after the incident, at least to make things clear and to tell him he wasn’t angry or anything. But it was too late now.</p><p>“It was nice to see everyone. I think Sanghoon would have been happy too,”</p><p>Jongho nodded with a little smile.</p><p>“I am still missing him, even after all those years,” Jongho revealed.</p><p>“Me too,” Wooyoung exhaled, “But I feel like he is still here, in a part of us and that’s enough to me,”</p><p>Jongho didn’t lose his smile, on the contrary, his smile grew bigger.</p><p>“See? You’re not that bad at comforting people,”</p><p>They both chuckled before finishing their meal.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The sun already set when Wooyoung got back home. He didn’t do much that day but he was tired. The only thing he wanted now was being in his bed, or better, being in San’s arms in his bed.</p><p>He was waiting for the green light and looked at the block of flats in front of him. He frowned when he saw San’s flat plunged into darkness. He searched for his phone and started to type a text to his lover. He raised his eyes to see if the light was green but saw something else instead.</p><p>On the other side of the road, in front of their building, was standing two people. One of them was a girl, wearing a long black trench coat and boots of the same colour. Wooyoung couldn’t see her face, she was giving him her back. But he could see the other one. He could have recognised that person in the dark, from miles away. He could have recognised San from every angle.</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t know why but he took a few steps back. He didn’t want them to see him. He didn’t know why he was spying on them. His heart started to beat harder and he swallowed hard. Something in his stomach was growing and he didn’t know if it was guilt or fear.</p><p>They were just talking but their bodies were close. San didn’t break eye contact with that girl. His face was serious and concerned. Wooyoung could see from where he was that San cared a lot about that girl. Wooyoung’s heart skipped a beat when he saw San grabbed her arm to pull her closer to him and hugged her tightly. He stroked her hair and seemed to whisper things in her ear.</p><p>What was that feeling? Why Wooyoung felt like something broke inside of him? Why did he feel betrayed because San hugged someone else? Was it normal? He fought back the tears that started to form in his eyes. He had to hold them back. He should not cry for this because it meant nothing, right? She might be a friend, she might be no one. Because San wanted to be with Wooyoung, not with someone else, right?</p><p>For weeks, Wooyoung heard a small whisper in his head. That whisper was so low that he couldn’t understand what that voice was saying. But now, it was screaming. <em>What is he telling her? Is he telling her the same things he said to me when I was feeling down? Why did she fit so well in his arms? Did he love her? Did she love him? Do they love each other right now? Am I not that special? </em>Wooyoung closed his eyes and focused on the traffic noise. The voice became lower and lower until he didn’t hear it any more. He breathed and opened his eyes again.</p><p>They eventually broke the hug and everything fell. Wooyoung couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. The tear fell on his left cheek when he saw the girl’s face.</p><p>He couldn’t help but feel betrayed and broken when he saw Areum.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I dedicate this chapter to Alice, hope you're doing well.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Secrets and trust</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Why saying the truth and lying when you can just keep your mouth shut?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!</p><p>I'm back with another chapter and hope you'll like it. Feel free to tell me what you think of it in the comments.</p><p>Enjoy reading 💙</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Was I wrong?</em>
</p><p>Wooyoung turned over in his bed, laying on his left side. He didn’t close the blinds, letting the moonlight illuminate the room. His eyes laid on the flowers sitting in the blue vase.</p><p>When the flowers San offered him on their first date wilted, Wooyoung didn’t want to leave the vase empty. He thought it would be nice to buy flowers from time to time and that it would add some life to the flat. But Wooyoung didn’t know anything about flowers. So, he looked it up and found out there were hundreds of thousands of flowers and that each of them had meaning. One day, when he was reading something about it, San looked over his shoulder.</p><p>“I didn’t know you liked flowers,”</p><p>Wooyoung chuckled, a little embarrassed. He didn’t want to admit he loved flower language. He didn’t want to be seen as a softie or even worse, as a <em>romantic</em>. He brushed it off and changed the topic. But San didn’t forget about it. Two days later, he showed up with a bunch. It was a bunch of pretty red flowers. Wooyoung recognised them because he saw them at a flower shop, it was a bunch of red camellias. He thanked San not without pink cheeks but only searched their meaning when San left.</p><p><em>You’re a flame in my heart</em>.</p><p>San offered him those flowers a week ago. San picked those flowers knowing what they meant and chose to give them to Wooyoung. Would he give Wooyoung these flowers if he didn’t mean their message? Or did Wooyoung misinterpret that gesture? These questions let Wooyoung awake for hours. Because he couldn’t understand what was going on.</p><p>He could have called San or dropped by his flat, it wasn’t like it was far. But Wooyoung was scared. He was scared of San’s reaction when he would tell him he spied on him. He was scared of what San would answer. He was scared of ruining what they had. But mostly, he was terrified of being hurt.</p><p>During this month, Wooyoung got attached to San, way too attached. He was able to let go and to let himself be immersed in his feelings. A part of him felt guilty to give such a strong weapon to San but the other part of him told him it was the right thing to do. That second part of him assured him San was worth it, that their blossoming story was worth it.</p><p>So he believed that, maybe, it was nothing. Maybe he was overreacting and overthinking, it wouldn’t be the first time. The last time he thought San had slept with another girl, the girl in question was his sister. That hug probably meant nothing. They may not have planned to meet that day.</p><p>However, those reassuring thoughts only stayed in his head for a few minutes. Every time he tried to calm down, Wooyoung saw San’s eyes. Wooyoung remembered how concerned San looked when he gazed at Areum. He remembered how tight he hugged her and guessed how warmed she must have felt. Every time that scene played in his head, Wooyoung couldn’t help but think that it used to be him. When San found Wooyoung at that football ground, San looked at him the same way. When Wooyoung poured his heart out, he remembered San’s arms wrapping around him. That hug wasn’t a simple hug. Wooyoung never saw it like that. Even today, Wooyoung could feel San’s arms shielding him. He felt protected from his fears by San’s arms. Because that was what San was to him. Someone who protected him from his fears. But what was Wooyoung to San? Was he different from the others?</p><p><em>Maybe I’m like the others. Maybe I’m not special, </em>Wooyoung thought. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Did you work all night? You look tired,” San frowned at Wooyoung.</p><p><em>Yeah, I barely slept because I kept asking myself if I was special to you</em> wasn’t the answer Wooyoung would have liked to give San even if it was the truth.</p><p>“Yeah, I started to watch some clips of the film and then it was 3 AM,” Wooyoung chuckled, guilty about that terrible lie.</p><p>“Well, even with dark rings under your eyes, you’re the prettiest,” San whispered while approaching his face towards Wooyoung’s.</p><p>Their noses were touching and Wooyoung locked his eyes with San’s. He looked for something in his eyes. Something that would tell him if San betrayed him. Something that would tell him that San has never been his and never would be. But San smiled and Wooyoung could only see sparkles in his crescent eyes.</p><p>They entered the Coex Aquarium and San curled his arm around Wooyoung’s waist.</p><p>“Isn’t it uncomfortable to walk?” Wooyoung asked.</p><p>“I don’t care. I want you close,”</p><p>San grinned at him while Wooyoung rolled his eyes.</p><p>“You’re cheesy sometimes,” he sighed.</p><p>“But you love it.”</p><p>Wooyoung rolled his eyes again. It was half true but he would never admit it. San started to tickle him. They tried their best to laugh without being noisy but it was a big challenge for Wooyoung. San stopped when they couldn’t keep quiet and were obviously disturbing others.</p><p>They walked close, as San requested. They stopped under the tunnel where rays and fishes were swimming. San looked away from the sea creatures to glare at Wooyoung. His big eyes were glued on the glass and his mouth was slightly opened. The blue light made him even more beautiful. So beautiful that San forgot how to breathe. His mind went blank for a few seconds.</p><p>“What are you thinking about?” Wooyoung tilted his head, smiling when he caught San staring.</p><p>“I’m happy with you,” San declared, words leaving his mouth before thinking about them.</p><p>A normal person, with any doubts, would have smiled or said something back. But not Wooyoung. The only thing that popped up in his mind was: but are you happy enough to stay?</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t look away. He held his gaze on San’s little eyes. Again, he searched for something in San’s orbs, his eyes travelling from an eye to another. San’s eyes lay on Wooyoung’s lips as he grabbed him delicately by the waist.</p><p>“I <em>really</em> want to kiss you right now,” he first stated before glancing at the few people who were around them, “But I won’t if you’re feeling uncomfortable,” he added, locking his eyes with Wooyoung again.</p><p>Wooyoung swallowed. He nodded and he saw San’s eyebrows raising a little, surprised by Wooyoung’s response. San leant on and kissed him slowly. Wooyoung grabbed San’s biceps while San’s fingers were running inside his hair. San has kissed Wooyoung a lot of times, but he had never kissed him like <em>that</em>. Wooyoung couldn’t describe it but he knew that kiss was different.</p><p>And he only needed that kiss to make all the bad thoughts and his fears go away.</p><p>They finally broke the kiss, catching their breath. San looked at Wooyoung’s eyes as he stroked his cheek with his thumb. His lips parted and Wooyoung was sure he was going to say something. But he didn’t. He looked away before meeting Wooyoung’s eyes again.</p><p>“We should get going,” he smiled.</p><p>Wooyoung nodded before following him. But sadly, the bad thoughts followed them as well.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“I’m full,” San exclaimed collapsing on his chair.</p><p>After leaving the Coex aquarium, they were hungry and went to eat dinner. Wooyoung proposed to cook their dinner but San refused, saying he was already tired. They ended up at a Pizza Hut that was nearby.</p><p>“Don’t tell me I have to carry you on my back on our way home,” Wooyoung complained, still chewing his slice.</p><p>“I will break your precious back if you carry me”</p><p>“Are you saying that I’m weak?” Wooyoung shouted.</p><p>San laughed, moving his hand from left to right. Wooyoung was still glancing at him, waiting for him to explain himself.</p><p>“Have you seen those guns?” Wooyoung exclaimed.</p><p>He showed off his biceps to San who didn’t stop laughing. Wooyoung was still showing his arm muscles when San grabbed his face with a hand, pressing his fingers on his boyfriend’s cheeks which transformed his lips into a little pout.</p><p>“I’ve seen them, don’t worry,” he muttered.</p><p>Wooyoung looked at him, his expression shifting. San detailed his face and saw some sauce on the corner of his lips. He wiped it with his finger before licking it. Wooyoung’s eyes travelled from San’s orbs to his lips. He swallowed and looked away.</p><p>San took a sip of his drink while glaring at Wooyoung. His eyes trailed from his sparkly eyes to his sharpened jawline without skipping his fleshy lips. Wooyoung met San’s eyes again. He wanted to ask him what San had on his mind but he didn’t have to.</p><p>“Do you remember when we met? When you came at my door,” San asked.</p><p>Wooyoung remembered that time pretty well. He believed it was one of the few memories he could recall perfectly. He nodded and leant forward to hear what San had to say.</p><p>“I couldn’t get you out of my mind for days. I was thinking about how I could be closer to you,” San revealed.</p><p>Wooyoung’s eyes widened a little. He had never imagined that San saw him like <em>he</em> saw San that day.</p><p>“And at that time… I thought that if something had to happen, it would be purely… physical,” he added before clearing his throat, “But when I got to know you I just realised that you were…”</p><p>“Is this the part when you tell me I’m different?”</p><p>San laughed, shaking his head.</p><p>“Everyone’s different but that’s not what I wanted to say. It’s just that this month… I just realised that I am <em>very</em> lucky to have someone like you in my life,”</p><p>Wooyoung’s heart squeezed in his chest. His ears heard the words San pronounced, his heart felt them but his brain was putting a warning in his mind. <em>Lies</em>, was what Wooyoung thought. He couldn’t believe what San was saying. He couldn’t because he thought that his boyfriend was telling him pretty words to make him look away, so he wouldn’t suspect anything. Wooyoung felt guilty for not trusting San. He fought back with his mind but he already heard the little voice in his head asking him: <em>did he say that to </em>her<em> as well?</em></p><p>“I’m not expecting something in return. I just thought I should tell you that,” he continued with a cute smile.</p><p>Wooyoung smiled back at him. He tried hard to hide his embarrassment and push away the negative thoughts.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>Wooyoung scrolled his Instagram feed while San stroked his hair, the first using the second’s thigh as a pillow. He liked some pictures when a message appeared on his screen. It was from an unknown number.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>0XX-XXX-XXXX</b>
</p><p>Hi Wooyoungie, it’s Yeonjunie.</p><p>I wanted to apologise even if I should have done that earlier and in person. The thing is… I felt regrets, too many regrets, about you. I don’t know why I tried to kiss you last time. I hope we can put that in the past and start something new. I hope you’re not angry at me for what happened. I don’t want to lose your friendship again. I should have fought for our friendship back then and that’s why I will fight now, even if it’s late. Because losing you as a friend is my biggest regret.</p><p> </p><p>Wooyoung straightened up, starting San. He read the message over and over again. He bit his lower lip, thinking about what he should answer.</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>Wooyoung took a few seconds to reply to San. He locked his phone and turned towards San. He ran a hand in his hair and explained what Yeonjun said in his text. Wooyoung saw San’s expression darkened when he mentioned that Yeonjun tried to kiss him.</p><p>“And you want to befriend him again?” San snapped.</p><p>“Yeah? He was my best friend, a part of me misses him,”</p><p>San chortled while poking his cheek with his tongue. Wooyoung frowned.</p><p>“I don’t see where the problem is.”</p><p>“Right. Because it’s perfectly normal to start a friendship with someone who had a crush on you and tried to kiss you. Don’t you remember how he didn’t want to let go of you?”</p><p>“It’s more complicated than that! Yeonjunie and I, we…” he started but his sentence died in his mouth.</p><p>“You what?”</p><p>Wooyoung could see the stress in San’s eyes. Was he supposed to tell him? Shouldn’t he keep this information for himself? San repeated his question, forcing Wooyoung to think faster.</p><p><em>I can’t reproach him to keep things from me if I’m doing the same</em>, Wooyoung pondered.</p><p>“Yeonjunie… Yeonjunie was my gay awakening,” he let out. “And around the time that Sanghoon died, he kissed me,”</p><p>“And you <em>still</em> don’t see where the problem is?”</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t see where the problem was. What happened between him and Yeonjun was old history. San was aware of that. Wooyoung was still looking at him, bewildered. San took a deep breath and closed his eyes to calm down.</p><p>“Listen, I understand that you want to befriend him but honestly I am uncomfortable with that. I trust <em>you</em> but I don’t trust <em>him</em>,” he calmly stated.</p><p>Wooyoung slowly nodded. San trusted him but not Yeonjun. Wooyoung understood San’s view even if he disagreed.</p><p>“Fine,”</p><p>“Fine? So, you’re not going to talk to him or anything?” San asked surprised.</p><p>He always saw Wooyoung as a stubborn man, he couldn’t believe that it was <em>that</em> easy to convince him. And he was right because Wooyoung wasn’t convinced. He was about to trade with him.</p><p>“That’s not what I said. But if I can’t talk to my childhood friend, then the same goes for you,” Wooyoung finally voiced, with a burst of confidence.</p><p>“I don’t understand,” San frowned</p><p>“Don’t you have something to tell me San-ssi?”</p><p>They stared at each other. San has never seen Wooyoung with this malicious expression. Wooyoung tried hard to put that mask on his face to make San believe he wasn’t hurt. On the other side, Wooyoung has never seen San this confused and panicked at the same time. He gathered his courage and spoke.</p><p>“Don’t you think it would be fairer to stop seeing Areum-ssi if I can’t speak to Yeonjunie?”</p><p>San’s eyes widened and his lips parted. Nothing came out of his mouth. The two boys knew he hadn’t something to say to defend himself. Wooyoung understood that San was going to ask him how he knew that.</p><p>“I saw you. You should have chosen another place than in front of our building if you wanted to be discreet,”</p><p>San closed his eyes. He couldn’t face Wooyoung. He was such a fool.</p><p>“It’s kind of hypocrite for you to ask me not to talk to Yeonjun, who was my middle school crush ten years ago when you’re fucking your ex behind my back,”</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t hold back anymore. His fears and doubts left to make room for his anger. At that moment, he wasn’t hurt. He was angry. Angry at San, angry at himself.</p><p>“It’s not what you think Wooyoung. I swear I’m not doing anything wrong,”</p><p>“Then tell me. Tell me why you were with Areum. Tell me why you were seeing your ex-girlfriend and you didn’t want to tell me. Because she’s the one who texted you yesterday when I left your place, wasn’t she?”</p><p>San bit his lower lip and stared at his lap. He looked like a child who was getting scolded at.</p><p>“Why did you meet her?”</p><p><em>Am I not enough?</em> Wooyoung wanted to ask but he wasn’t strong enough to voice it and to hear the answer.</p><p>“Wooyoung, I swear I am not cheating on you,”</p><p>San grabbed Wooyoung’s hands and locked his broken orbs with Wooyoung’s.</p><p>“That’s not answering my question,” Wooyoung whispered.</p><p>“I know. I know you don’t trust me but,”</p><p><em>Trust</em>. That is the word that made Wooyoung go crazy. He let go of San’s hands and stood up. Nervous laughter left his lips as he shook his head.</p><p>“No, you don’t. If you <em>knew</em> and <em>understand</em> how difficult it is for me to trust you, you wouldn’t keep things from me,”</p><p>San slowly stood and walked a few steps towards Wooyoung.</p><p>“I know but… it’s more complicated than that. I can’t explain… She needed someone, she needed me,”</p><p>Another nervous laugh escaped from Wooyoung’s mouth. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.</p><p>“Then go see her,”</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t think before speaking. He regretted his words as soon as he heard them falling from his mouth.</p><p>“Wooyoung, please,”</p><p>But he didn’t stop.</p><p>“If your ex has more important needs than me, your <em>boyfriend</em>, then go see her. From what I understood, she needs you more than me,”</p><p>They stared at each other. It was so silent that San could hear their breathing and heartbeat. But Wooyoung’s mind was so loud that he couldn’t hear anything. Wooyoung waited for San to reassure him and tell him the truth. San waited for Wooyoung to take back his words and ask him to stay.</p><p>But that didn’t happen.</p><p>“Fine. I’ll leave if you want me to,” San said after a few minutes that seemed hours.</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t grab his arm when he passed near him. He didn’t shout at him or beg him to stay.</p><p>“Tell me when you’ll want me again,” San added before closing the door behind him.</p><p>Wooyoung didn’t move, he was frozen in place. But when he heard San’s door slammed from the other side of the wall, he exhaled the air he didn’t notice he was holding. His legs gave up on him as he fell to the ground and broke into tears.</p><p>
  <em>Maybe I should have listened to my old self.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You can follow me on Twitter: @tinymat_</p><p>See you soon 💙</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Guilt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Did San lie?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello!</p>
<p>I'm back with another chapter. If I'm being honest, I'm not really proud of it. I struggled a lot and I think I did my best.<br/>Hope you'll enjoy it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wooyoung tried hard to focus on the screen but the image was blurry and the words voiced out sounded as if he was underwater. He went to film the last sequences for the film project. Last time, he was excited but that day he felt… nothing. He didn’t complain but he didn’t enjoy it either. He didn’t <em>enjoy</em> filming because he couldn’t feel anything.</p>
<p>For a week now, Wooyoung couldn’t feel anything. When San sent him messages, he just read them without even thinking about the meaning of the words. He thought he would be angry or sad. He wondered if <em>this</em> was what you felt like when you were heartbroken.</p>
<p>He knew some of the boys saw each other that week because Seonghwa texted him. The youngest didn’t want to lie but he didn’t want to talk about it. He thought that not daring to speak about the problem would make it go away. But he was wrong.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>Seonghwa-hyung</strong>
</p>
<p>You know you can talk to me, right?</p>
<p>Yes hyung, I know</p>
<p>But really I’m fine</p>
<p>I’m just stressed because of the project</p>
<p>Well</p>
<p>I have no choice but believe you I guess</p>
<p>I hope you’re eating well</p>
<p>Please sleep</p>
<p>I can’t watch your sleeping schedule and Hongjoong’s</p>
<p>Don’t worry Mom</p>
<p>Don’t call me Mom</p>
<p>Then stop acting like one</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oddly, Yeosang didn’t ask him anything, neither did Jongho. Wooyoung assumed that Seonghwa kept their conversation to himself, not to worry his friends. Wooyoung was thankful for that.</p>
<p>The boy shook his head, pushing away all his thoughts about San. He tried hard to focus as he moved his mouse absently. He couldn’t screw this too. Because even if he knew he wasn’t wrong, a part of him felt like he was the one to blame for what happened with San. He promised to himself and to his brother that he wouldn’t feel regrets but he regretted a lot of things. He regretted acting like this. He regretted letting San hurt him. He regretted that he was <em>this </em>vulnerable.</p>
<p>Did San feel regrets too? Did he regret being in a relationship with Wooyoung? Did he get bored?</p>
<p>Wooyoung couldn’t help but feel like he deserved what happened. Because if San went back to Areum or if he let her come back, that was probably Wooyoung’s fault, right? It was because he wasn’t enough, right? After all, Wooyoung is a simple boy with a lot of demons. Asking for someone who will accept him, take things slow, be patient and understanding was a lot and kind of selfish. Wooyoung embraced that thought and nothing could change his mind.</p>
<p>He stood to go to the kitchen to cook some ramyeon. He forced himself to eat not to pass out while working but didn’t eat half of his plate. He pushed the bowl away, disgusted by its smell and looks. He took a deep breath and started to work. He was too immersed in the film to ramble. Youngsik and Seungwon were gifted. They managed to keep him focused thanks to their acting. He hoped they will become great actors one day. He forgot about San and even smiled while watching some sequences.</p>
<p>It was around 3 AM that Wooyoung got out of his little bubble. He frowned when he saw someone calling him and at this hour. His heartbeat was faster when he saw that it was Seonghwa calling him. The older never called him, unless if they were supposed to meet and Wooyoung doubted he planned to see Seonghwa at 3 AM. He picked up, still nervous.</p>
<p>“Hyung? Is everything okay?”</p>
<p>“You need to come,”</p>
<p>Wooyoung could hear the tiredness and annoyance in his voice. A tiny ball of nervousness started to form in his stomach.</p>
<p>“Where?”</p>
<p>“My place. Come collect your boyfriend before I kill him,”</p>
<p>Wooyoung didn’t have the time to process the information and to say something back that Seonghwa had already hung up. Wooyoung stared at his phone with his lips parted. What should he do? What did San do? Why was he at Seonghwa’s place at this hour?</p>
<p>The only way to get an answer was to go.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Wooyoung knocked at Seonghwa’s door. He heard small footsteps and the door opened, revealing Hongjoong. The older gave him a small smile, to encourage him for what was waiting for him. He stepped aside to let Wooyoung enter the flat. When he arrived in the living room, Seonghwa’s eyes met with his. The older was on his knees in front of San, who was giving his back to Wooyoung.</p>
<p>“You’re already here,” Seonghwa observed.</p>
<p>“It seemed urgent,” Wooyoung replied, lower than expected.</p>
<p>Wooyoung’s voice made San turned around which made Wooyoung take a step back. Wooyoung’s eyes travelled the room and that was when he noticed the first-aid kit next to Seonghwa and San. San’s lower lip was slitted and he seemed to have a nose bleed. San looked away, making eye contact with Seonghwa who was putting bandages on San’s knuckles.</p>
<p>Wooyoung swallowed. He couldn’t move or say something. He felt a hand on his shoulder and saw Hongjoong at his left. Hongjoong gestured Wooyoung to follow him and they went into the kitchen. He asked him if he wanted coffee, to which Wooyoung couldn’t answer. The older still poured two cups and slid one of them in front of Wooyoung. The former sipped, eyes laying on his friend. After a few minutes of silence, Wooyoung finally spoke.</p>
<p>“What happened?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know. He arrived like this and asked Seonghwa if he could give him some bandages and stuff. He also asked him not to call you,” Hongjoong put the cut on the worktop, “I think he didn’t want you to see him like this,”</p>
<p>“Well, that won’t be the first thing he would have kept from me,” Wooyoung muttered.</p>
<p>Hongjoong frowned and tried to make eye contact with Wooyoung but the latter had his head low, gaze fixed on his cup.</p>
<p>“Is everything okay with you two? Is that why you didn’t come last time?”</p>
<p>Wooyoung took the hot cup and drank to avoid the question.</p>
<p>“Wooyoung-ah,”</p>
<p>“There’s nothing to say. I shouldn’t have come,”</p>
<p>Wooyoung turned around and saw Seonghwa at the door of the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Oh no, you’re not going anywhere. Whatever is happening between you two dumb asses, you are going to resolve it.”</p>
<p>“Hyung,” Wooyoung started but was quickly cut off.</p>
<p>“When I assign for being paediatrician, I didn’t assign to deal with adults who behave like children or to clean their mess.” Seonghwa lashed out.</p>
<p>Wooyoung bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to get angry but Seonghwa was right. He didn’t have to deal with <em>their</em> issues. Wooyoung exhaled and nodded. Seonghwa stepped aside to let him go back to the living room. Wooyoung heard the door closing behind him, the hyungs giving them some privacy.</p>
<p>San had still his back turned to Wooyoung. Wooyoung took a few seconds before walking towards him. He ignored his heart squeezing when he saw San’s face again. He tried to keep a straight face but he knew San could read him.</p>
<p>“I didn’t want you to see me like this,” he spoke.</p>
<p>“I know,”</p>
<p>They both looked away. Wooyoung tried to control his heartbeat and his shaky breath.</p>
<p>“What happened?”</p>
<p>Wooyoung looked towards San when he didn’t hear an answer. The latter was looking at his feet, head low. Wooyoung repeated his question, with a sharper tone. San didn’t lookup.</p>
<p>“I defended her.”</p>
<p><em>Her</em>. Wooyoung frowned at first but his eyes widened when he realised who was <em>her</em>.</p>
<p>“You were with Areum-ssi again?”</p>
<p>San dared to look at him and slowly nodded. Wooyoung wasn’t even hurt. He wasn’t surprised after all.</p>
<p>“Why are you here then? Couldn’t she clean you up?”</p>
<p>“She wasn’t there when it happened. It’s”</p>
<p>“Complicated and you can’t tell me. I get it.”</p>
<p>Wooyoung stood up and was ready to leave but he stopped in his tracks. He had to stop running away from problems and accepting his fate when he could actually change it. He took another deep breath and turned around. San was looking at him and he hated what he saw in his eyes.</p>
<p>“I can’t trust you if you can’t be honest with me San,”</p>
<p>San nodded. Of course, he knew it. He knew he couldn’t ask someone to trust him when he kept things from them, especially Wooyoung. He ran his hands in his hair and closed his eyes for a few seconds. When San locked his eyes with Wooyoung’s, something had changed. Wooyoung didn’t know if he was ready to hear his next words.</p>
<p>“She’s pregnant,”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Areum-ah,” he elaborated, “She’s pregnant.”</p>
<p>Wooyoung opened his mouth but he couldn’t think about what to say. Without realising it, he sat down on the couch. San slid to sit closer to Wooyoung but still a little far from him. Someone else could easily fit between the two boys. Areum was pregnant. Was San thinking about dumping him to start a new relationship with Areum? If they were going to have a baby, they should be together. Even if they were young, their families could help them. Wooyoung didn’t want to imagine the two of them with a baby, like a happy family when he knew he wouldn’t be in the frame.</p>
<p>“It’s not mine,”</p>
<p>Wooyoung refrained a sigh of relief but got confused.</p>
<p>“But… It’s my fault,” San managed to whisper before breaking into tears.</p>
<p>Wooyoung was completely lost but he didn’t hesitate to close the distance between them and take San in his arms. Wooyoung has never been good to comfort people so he awkwardly stroke San’s hair, ignoring how the boy shook. Wooyoung took a deep breath and managed to cup San’s face in his hands. His eyes were already red and his cheeks were drenched.</p>
<p>Seeing San like this made Wooyoung understand what was going on. No, San wasn’t cheating on him. San was just being San. He couldn’t help but help people he cared about. He took their problems as if they were his. When you entered his life, he almost vowed to take of you and to always be here for you. Wooyoung couldn’t blame him for being a good person.</p>
<p>“What happened to her. It’s my fault,” he kept saying.</p>
<p>“Sannie,” Wooyoung called him. San made an eye-contact with him, “I don’t understand what you are saying,”</p>
<p>“I lied. It’s not complicated to tell you. I’m just too scared you’ll leave if I do,”</p>
<p>“You said you’ll stay as long as I want you, right? You should know it’s the same for me. I’ll stay as long as you want me,”</p>
<p>San took a deep breath and Wooyoung’s hands in his. He couldn’t speak and look at him at the same time. Wooyoung focused on him, on the words he said.</p>
<p>The story didn’t start from last week when San and Areum saw each other. It started when San broke up with her, a few months ago. Wooyoung had never asked San how the breakup happened. He knew San didn’t have feelings for Areum but he never asked how she took that. He didn’t really care at that time. San admitted he broke Areum’s heart. He knew it and he felt bad for that. He thought she would move on easily because he always moved on easily. She started to go to more parties, to drink more to forget. She wanted to forget how good she felt when she was with San. She wanted to forget the sensation of San’s lips on hers. She wanted to forget that San’s arms were the best place to be. So, she drank. She drank enough to forget her memories with San but also all these parties she went to.</p>
<p>A morning, she woke up in a bed that wasn’t hers. The other side of the bed was empty. She couldn’t feel her body, it ached too much. She tried to get up but fell on the ground, naked. She looked up for her clothes, tears in her eyes. She knew what happened. This was the only memory that was vivid in her mind.</p>
<p>“If I was honest with her from the beginning. If I was honest with myself from the beginning… I could have avoided this,”</p>
<p>Wooyoung frowned and tilted his head on his left. He didn’t understand what San was meaning at first. But the guilt in San’s eyes helped him understand.</p>
<p>“Sannie,” he called him again, “Do you feel responsible for what happened to Areum? Because that’s a silly thought. The only person responsible is that fucking bastard who,” he added before being cut off.</p>
<p>“But if I didn’t make her feel that way, she wouldn’t have gone to that party and she wouldn’t have drunk that much, and,”</p>
<p>“You don’t know that. It’s only a hypothesis,”</p>
<p>Silence fell between them. Wooyoung realised he still didn’t know how San ended up bruised.</p>
<p>“I am the only one who knows, I mean except the doctor she saw after that. So, I go see her as often as I can, to be sure she’s okay. As I left I saw him. He was standing here, like… he acted like they were dating or something. I went to him and asked him <em>politely</em> to go. He didn’t want to leave and it started to become heated.”</p>
<p>San didn’t have to explain what happened next, it was written on his face. He added that Areum didn’t know about that and he didn’t want her to know.</p>
<p>“Will she… press charges?”</p>
<p>“She’s scared. She thinks no one will believe her and will tell her that she asked for this when she left with him,”</p>
<p>They both knew that it was bullshit but they also knew that a lot of people would believe this. But Wooyoung thought it was unfair. It was unfair to let that guy walk in the streets as nothing happened.</p>
<p>“I think I know how to change her mind,” Wooyoung declared.</p>
<p>San raised his eyebrows and looked confused when he saw Wooyoung stand up. Wooyoung was about to walk away when San grabbed two of his fingers.</p>
<p>“Are we… Are we okay now?” San questioned.</p>
<p>Wooyoung’s lips parted and closed. A weak smile could be seen on his face as he nodded slowly.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I guess. But I won’t forget,”</p>
<p>San nodded and let go of his hand. Wooyoung went back to the kitchen, where Seonghwa and Hongjoong were drinking coffee. They both looked tired, dark circles under their eyes. He felt bad for disturbing them. Seonghwa was about to speak, probably asking if they resolved their problem but Wooyoung spoke first.</p>
<p>“Hyung, are you still in touch with that noona from law school?”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Things were slowly getting back to normal. After their conversation, Wooyoung and San left Seonghwa and Hongjoong. Seonghwa told Wooyoung he would speak about Areum to his noona. Wooyoung didn’t tell him what happened, he wanted to respect her privacy, but only said she needed advice. Wooyoung and San walked in silence to their building. There was no tension but it was still a lot to process. They both needed to think and knowing that they were together helped them to think straight. They didn’t see each other since, only texted. Wooyoung expected San to drop by but maybe he wasn’t comfortable with that idea yet.</p>
<p>He jumped when he heard the doorbell. He went to open it, thinking it would finally be San but he saw the clock, he understood it couldn’t be him. The boy always ended his classes late on Wednesdays.</p>
<p>“Uh, I think you’re in the wrong place,” he said, confused when he opened the door.</p>
<p>“I know. I wanted to talk with you if that’s okay? I bought fried chicken,” Areum stated.</p>
<p>Wooyoung stared, maybe longer than expected. He eventually stepped aside to let her enter the apartment. Areum seemed comfortable as she sat on the couch and put the box on the coffee table. Wooyoung stood at the entrance of the living room, asking himself he fell asleep while working.</p>
<p>“Come eat when it’s still hot,” she said before biting in the chicken.</p>
<p>He sat on the edge of the bed and took a piece of chicken. He thanked her for the food and the two didn’t exchange a word until they finished eating.</p>
<p>“So,” Wooyoung began, “Why are you here?”</p>
<p>He only dared to look at her after he finished his sentence.</p>
<p>“I wanted to thank you,” Areum answered while wiping her hands with a paper towel, “San told me you asked Seonghwa-ssi to contact one of his friends from law school. She reached to me. I haven’t met her yet but she seems nice,”</p>
<p>Wooyoung nodded. He didn’t know what to say and he felt too uncomfortable to speak without stuttering.</p>
<p>“I always knew you were a good person,” she declared.</p>
<p>Wooyoung chuckled, embarrassed.</p>
<p>“I always thought you’d see me as the one who stole your boyfriend,”</p>
<p>“Oh Wooyoung-ah, San has never been mine. He has always been yours,”</p>
<p>Wooyoung was ready to refute her words but she started to speak again. She told him that on their third date, San had dragged her to the shopping centre for hours because he needed to buy the perfect birthday gift for Wooyoung. She added that they couldn’t spend a day when San wouldn’t speak about Wooyoung.</p>
<p>“He’s never looked at me the way he’s looked at you. I knew it from the beginning but I didn’t want to let him go,”</p>
<p>They both looked away as another heavy silence fell between them.</p>
<p>“You’re both lucky to have each other,” Areum spoke after a few minutes.</p>
<p>Wooyoung didn’t have time to thank her because she already rose. She told him she should go and thanked him again. He went to open the door for her. She turned around one last time to meet his eyes.</p>
<p>“I hope we can be friends now,”</p>
<p>Her smile reached her eyes.</p>
<p>“It’d be nice,” he smiled back.</p>
<p>She waved at him and turned around before he closed the door. He didn’t expect her to come but he was happy she did.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'll try to write chapter 19 soon and not make you wait too long.<br/>Have a nice week!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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